Victim of Time
Dec. 17th, 2007 12:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
timehasa_wayShort fic based on a recent Nick quote. Kevin talks to Nick about his insecurities when it comes to returning to the group. No slash or anything. Totally rated G. But kinda sad.
While the band has publicly claimed he's welcome back any time, Carter hedges, "We said that because we love and respect Kevin, but there'll be a time when that door won't be open. This is the new Backstreet Boys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Must be awesome, celebrating Christmas with Mason this year," Nick commented, following Kevin into the kitchen.
"Yeah," Kevin said, his back to Nick as he poured himself another drink. "Thanks again for stopping by. It was really nice of you to bring those presents for him."
Nick shrugged, keeping a wary eye on the older man. "It was nothing."
Kevin turned back around, but his emerald eyes focused on some imaginary object on the other side of the room, and he leaned against the kitchen countertop, slowly sipping from his wine glass.
"You okay, man?" Nick asked, moving closer to Kevin and putting a hand on his back. "You seem kinda...I dunno, distant. Like something's bothering you."
Kevin hesitated, looking down into the deep red liquid and swirling it in the glass before quickly glancing in Nick's direction.
"I heard about what you said."
Nick straightened, his hands jamming themselves into the tight pockets of his jeans. Worry creased his features.
"What did I say?"
"Nevermind," Kevin said, shaking his head. "It's not even that big of a deal, I just-"
"No, Kevin, tell me," Nick insisted, grabbing Kevin's arm when he tried to turn away. "What did I say?"
Kevin sighed. "It was about me...and the group. And whether or not the door would always be open for me."
"Oh." Realization dawned on Nick, and he awkwardly shifted his weight, suddenly feeling nervous. "Oh. Kevin, I didn't mean-"
"I know, Nick, don't worry about it," Kevin said, walking back into the living room, where Kristin was lifting Mason up into her arms.
She smiled over at the two men. "I'm gonna go put him to bed; give you boys some time to talk. Thank you again, Nick. It was really nice of you to come."
Nick smiled and nodded at her and the baby. "No problem. It was nice seeing you again."
Kristin took the baby upstairs, and Kevin gestured to one of the chairs in the living room.
"Have a seat."
Nick sat down in the chair, and Kevin sat across from him on the couch, one arm lazily sprawled across the cushions while the other relaxed on the arm of the sofa, wine glass still in hand.
Nick sighed. "Kevin...I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. It was nothing personal."
"I know that Nick," Kevin said, nodding, the wine in his glass swirling with the barely perceptible movements of his hand. "I guess I've just been...struggling with this."
"What do you mean?" Nick asked, blonde locks falling into his eyes as he settled back into his chair.
There was a long pause, but Nick knew better than to break the silence. Kevin needed to collect his thoughts to explain his feelings as well as he could. Nick respected that. He'd too often done the exact opposite, speaking before the words were properly formed in his mind.
"I don't regret this," Kevin stated, his green eyes lifting to meet Nick's gaze with confidence. "I don't regret that I left the group. I needed to do this. Not just for me, but for my family. My father meant a lot to me, and doing this...it's part of creating that bond. I want to have the same bond with my son that I had with my father. That means more to me than anything."
"I know that," Nick said quietly, his tone sympathetic. He could see the cloud of emotions in Kevin's eyes, and he restrained himself from reaching out to his friend, politely waiting for the rest of Kevin's explanation.
"It's just still hard to deal with, you know? This wasn't an easy decision to make to begin with."
Nick nodded. "I remember."
Kevin frowned, bringing the glass in his left hand to his lips to sip from it before allowing it to settle lightly in his fingers again.
"When I first told you...I said that I hoped you wouldn't close the door on me forever. You told me I was always welcome to come back."
"You still are, Kevin," Nick said. "It's just...after a certain amount of time..."
"I know," Kevin interrupted, fingers running over the smooth curves of the glass. "I always knew there would be a time limit. There has to be. It would never work if I came back after too much time had passed. The thing is," he placed the glass on the end table, leaning forward in his seat, "I feel like it already has passed."
Nick fidgeted uneasily, avoiding eye contact with Kevin. "Why do you say that?"
Another pause. "I'm not a part of it anymore," Kevin admitted. "I don't fit in any longer." He smiled sadly. "You don't need me."
"Kevin," Nick started, beginning to protest.
"You wouldn't want me back," Kevin said quietly, looking up at Nick and swallowing hard. "I left, and you guys pulled everything together and kept going. And you should've. I wanted you to." He sat back up, then flopped against the couch cushions, gaze on the ceiling. "You did really well. And I'm proud of you. But I can never come back."
Nick looked down at his hands, fingers knotting together in anxiety. He cautiously got up from his seat and sat back down next to Kevin on the couch.
"We could make it work," he said softly.
Kevin shook his head, eyes closing for a few seconds. "No. We can't." He turned his head to look at Nick. "All those years, I was 'the big brother.' The 'father' of the group. That was my role. But...I can't be that anymore, Nick. You don't need that. You don't want that. You've gotten along just fine without me, and I don't fit into that niche anymore. You don't want me dictating to you in the studio anymore. Hell, you barely wanted it before." He swallowed again, blinking against the wetness he could feel in his eyes. He looked away, back up at the ceiling. "I can never come back. Even if I wanted to right now, it would be too late. You know it's true."
Nick felt a pang of sorrow in his chest as he watched Kevin turn his head the other way, trying to disguise the tear that had wound its way down his cheek.
"That's not true," Nick said, swallowing the lump in his own throat. "If you wanted to come back, we'd make it work." He hesitated, his attention once again on his hands. "You're right that it would have to be soon. Maybe for the next album. The one after that, at the latest. But it isn't too late yet. We'd love to have you back. But only if you really want to be. Like we've said before, when you're not really into it, it affects the music. So...you can't rush it, but...it would have to be soon."
He watched in despair as Kevin refused to look at him, knowing that more tears would've adorned Kevin's cheeks by now. He couldn't help but reach out to him now, snaking an arm around Kevin's shoulders and pulling him closer.
"Kevin, I'm sorry."
Kevin shook his head, finally turning his tear-stained face back to Nick. "It's not your fault. I'm just sorry I couldn't keep up with you guys. Sorry I threw you off track."
"You didn't, Kev," Nick chided. "It's okay. Don't blame yourself for anything."
"I guess part of me worries that losing my position in the group means that I've lost my position just...in your lives," Kevin admitted, leaning against Nick.
Nick pulled back and stared at him in shock. "Are you kidding?? Kevin, there's no way in hell that would happen. God, you're still...you helped raise me. I've known you for more than half of my life. You're my brother. You're a brother to all of us. Nothing's gonna change that."
Kevin smiled, but still held a worried expression. "A lot of people say that, Nick."
"Yeah, well, we mean it," Nick stated forcefully. "I can't lose you, man. Regardless of what goes on in the studio, I still need you. Come on, you know me," he said squeezing Kevin's arm lightly and smiling, "I'm a mess when I don't have all of you guys on my side. And that includes you. Without you, I get into more trouble than I usually do."
Kevin chuckled, and Nick felt relieved at the sound. He moved to wrap his arms around Nick, pulling him in for a hug.
"I love you, little brother. You know that, right?"
Nick grinned against Kevin's shoulder. "Love you too, Kev."
While the band has publicly claimed he's welcome back any time, Carter hedges, "We said that because we love and respect Kevin, but there'll be a time when that door won't be open. This is the new Backstreet Boys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Must be awesome, celebrating Christmas with Mason this year," Nick commented, following Kevin into the kitchen.
"Yeah," Kevin said, his back to Nick as he poured himself another drink. "Thanks again for stopping by. It was really nice of you to bring those presents for him."
Nick shrugged, keeping a wary eye on the older man. "It was nothing."
Kevin turned back around, but his emerald eyes focused on some imaginary object on the other side of the room, and he leaned against the kitchen countertop, slowly sipping from his wine glass.
"You okay, man?" Nick asked, moving closer to Kevin and putting a hand on his back. "You seem kinda...I dunno, distant. Like something's bothering you."
Kevin hesitated, looking down into the deep red liquid and swirling it in the glass before quickly glancing in Nick's direction.
"I heard about what you said."
Nick straightened, his hands jamming themselves into the tight pockets of his jeans. Worry creased his features.
"What did I say?"
"Nevermind," Kevin said, shaking his head. "It's not even that big of a deal, I just-"
"No, Kevin, tell me," Nick insisted, grabbing Kevin's arm when he tried to turn away. "What did I say?"
Kevin sighed. "It was about me...and the group. And whether or not the door would always be open for me."
"Oh." Realization dawned on Nick, and he awkwardly shifted his weight, suddenly feeling nervous. "Oh. Kevin, I didn't mean-"
"I know, Nick, don't worry about it," Kevin said, walking back into the living room, where Kristin was lifting Mason up into her arms.
She smiled over at the two men. "I'm gonna go put him to bed; give you boys some time to talk. Thank you again, Nick. It was really nice of you to come."
Nick smiled and nodded at her and the baby. "No problem. It was nice seeing you again."
Kristin took the baby upstairs, and Kevin gestured to one of the chairs in the living room.
"Have a seat."
Nick sat down in the chair, and Kevin sat across from him on the couch, one arm lazily sprawled across the cushions while the other relaxed on the arm of the sofa, wine glass still in hand.
Nick sighed. "Kevin...I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. It was nothing personal."
"I know that Nick," Kevin said, nodding, the wine in his glass swirling with the barely perceptible movements of his hand. "I guess I've just been...struggling with this."
"What do you mean?" Nick asked, blonde locks falling into his eyes as he settled back into his chair.
There was a long pause, but Nick knew better than to break the silence. Kevin needed to collect his thoughts to explain his feelings as well as he could. Nick respected that. He'd too often done the exact opposite, speaking before the words were properly formed in his mind.
"I don't regret this," Kevin stated, his green eyes lifting to meet Nick's gaze with confidence. "I don't regret that I left the group. I needed to do this. Not just for me, but for my family. My father meant a lot to me, and doing this...it's part of creating that bond. I want to have the same bond with my son that I had with my father. That means more to me than anything."
"I know that," Nick said quietly, his tone sympathetic. He could see the cloud of emotions in Kevin's eyes, and he restrained himself from reaching out to his friend, politely waiting for the rest of Kevin's explanation.
"It's just still hard to deal with, you know? This wasn't an easy decision to make to begin with."
Nick nodded. "I remember."
Kevin frowned, bringing the glass in his left hand to his lips to sip from it before allowing it to settle lightly in his fingers again.
"When I first told you...I said that I hoped you wouldn't close the door on me forever. You told me I was always welcome to come back."
"You still are, Kevin," Nick said. "It's just...after a certain amount of time..."
"I know," Kevin interrupted, fingers running over the smooth curves of the glass. "I always knew there would be a time limit. There has to be. It would never work if I came back after too much time had passed. The thing is," he placed the glass on the end table, leaning forward in his seat, "I feel like it already has passed."
Nick fidgeted uneasily, avoiding eye contact with Kevin. "Why do you say that?"
Another pause. "I'm not a part of it anymore," Kevin admitted. "I don't fit in any longer." He smiled sadly. "You don't need me."
"Kevin," Nick started, beginning to protest.
"You wouldn't want me back," Kevin said quietly, looking up at Nick and swallowing hard. "I left, and you guys pulled everything together and kept going. And you should've. I wanted you to." He sat back up, then flopped against the couch cushions, gaze on the ceiling. "You did really well. And I'm proud of you. But I can never come back."
Nick looked down at his hands, fingers knotting together in anxiety. He cautiously got up from his seat and sat back down next to Kevin on the couch.
"We could make it work," he said softly.
Kevin shook his head, eyes closing for a few seconds. "No. We can't." He turned his head to look at Nick. "All those years, I was 'the big brother.' The 'father' of the group. That was my role. But...I can't be that anymore, Nick. You don't need that. You don't want that. You've gotten along just fine without me, and I don't fit into that niche anymore. You don't want me dictating to you in the studio anymore. Hell, you barely wanted it before." He swallowed again, blinking against the wetness he could feel in his eyes. He looked away, back up at the ceiling. "I can never come back. Even if I wanted to right now, it would be too late. You know it's true."
Nick felt a pang of sorrow in his chest as he watched Kevin turn his head the other way, trying to disguise the tear that had wound its way down his cheek.
"That's not true," Nick said, swallowing the lump in his own throat. "If you wanted to come back, we'd make it work." He hesitated, his attention once again on his hands. "You're right that it would have to be soon. Maybe for the next album. The one after that, at the latest. But it isn't too late yet. We'd love to have you back. But only if you really want to be. Like we've said before, when you're not really into it, it affects the music. So...you can't rush it, but...it would have to be soon."
He watched in despair as Kevin refused to look at him, knowing that more tears would've adorned Kevin's cheeks by now. He couldn't help but reach out to him now, snaking an arm around Kevin's shoulders and pulling him closer.
"Kevin, I'm sorry."
Kevin shook his head, finally turning his tear-stained face back to Nick. "It's not your fault. I'm just sorry I couldn't keep up with you guys. Sorry I threw you off track."
"You didn't, Kev," Nick chided. "It's okay. Don't blame yourself for anything."
"I guess part of me worries that losing my position in the group means that I've lost my position just...in your lives," Kevin admitted, leaning against Nick.
Nick pulled back and stared at him in shock. "Are you kidding?? Kevin, there's no way in hell that would happen. God, you're still...you helped raise me. I've known you for more than half of my life. You're my brother. You're a brother to all of us. Nothing's gonna change that."
Kevin smiled, but still held a worried expression. "A lot of people say that, Nick."
"Yeah, well, we mean it," Nick stated forcefully. "I can't lose you, man. Regardless of what goes on in the studio, I still need you. Come on, you know me," he said squeezing Kevin's arm lightly and smiling, "I'm a mess when I don't have all of you guys on my side. And that includes you. Without you, I get into more trouble than I usually do."
Kevin chuckled, and Nick felt relieved at the sound. He moved to wrap his arms around Nick, pulling him in for a hug.
"I love you, little brother. You know that, right?"
Nick grinned against Kevin's shoulder. "Love you too, Kev."
