Forty-Three Days (7/9)
Nov. 19th, 2008 10:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
timehasa_wayChapter 1: Sound and Vision
Chapter 2: Blood and Dust
Chapter 3: Cereal and Stitches
Chapter 4: Breakfast and Bathrooms
Chapter 5: Doctors and Bracelets
Chapter 6: Words and Knives
Chapter 7: Showers and Dates
That night passed much like the night before, with Jared keeping a strict eye on Jensen until they began filming the next morning. It was beginning to make Jensen itch. He had nowhere to hide, nowhere to be alone with his thoughts, like he had before. He wanted to scream at Jared, push him away, and tell him to just stop fucking trying already. But he kept his mouth shut and continued on.
After some more work on his solo scenes, he went off to Jared’s trailer. Their scenes together were coming up, and he knocked lightly on the door again before opening it and sticking his head inside.
“Jare-”
Jensen stopped short when he saw Jared sitting in his trailer with Dr. Anderson, his lips snapping shut. He couldn’t help the glare he sent in Jared’s direction.
“We need you on set,” he said curtly, before closing the door and waiting for Jared outside. He turned to face Jared as soon as the door opened. “Jared, I told you, I am not talking to that man!”
“I know,” Jared said calmly, fumbling with the sleeves on Sam’s jacket and beginning to walk to set, forcing Jensen to catch up with him.
“Then why is he still here?” Jensen asked, his tone accusatory. Jared stopped walking and turned to stand in front of Jensen.
“Because I’m talking to him,” Jared replied, hands forcing their way into the pockets of Sam’s coat.
“…About what?” Jensen asked, staring at Jared in confusion. He saw Jared hesitate and look away before answering.
“About what it’s like to be friends with someone who’s lost their will to live. About how you should deal with someone who’s suicidal.” Jared glanced at Jensen with a lost look in his eyes and shrugged, a sad smile playing on his lips. “Don’t worry, man, I don’t tell him about the supernatural aspect of all this. I mean, I lie, of course. I have no choice. But I need this.”
“Why?” Jensen asked quietly, his voice barely above a whisper. Jared stared back at him as if he should know, his expression full of sorrow.
“Because I love you, Jensen,” Jared said softly, taking a deep breath afterward. Jensen’s eyes widened, thoughts racing through his brain as he took in Jared’s words and body language, realizing that Jared had just admitted something; something big. “And you can take that however you want,” Jared continued, “Friendly or otherwise. But the simple fact is that I love you. And I know I can't talk to any of our friends or family about this, but I have to talk to someone, because I can’t handle this on my own. I can’t handle you on my own. I just can’t. It hurts too much, and if I don’t get help, then I’m just gonna fuckin’ lose it.”
Jensen froze, completely taken aback. He couldn’t respond to that, didn’t know how to. He knew Jared cared, that Jared wanted to save him, and that Jared was hurt by what he’d done. But, as he’d thought the past few days, he’d always expected Jared to get over it; to realize how much Jensen had inhibited him, held him back, and made his life worse than it had to be. And instead, Jared was standing in front of him telling him that he loved him. And not just as a friend, either. Jared was admitting to being in love with him. And beyond that, Jared was so invested in Jensen’s wellbeing that he needed to see a fucking shrink. Jensen wasn’t sure what part of that hit him the hardest or confused him the most. But he’d never expected Jared to react this way.
“Jesus, Jensen,” Jared suddenly said, snapping Jensen out of his trance and stepping closer. “What did you think would happen to me? Huh? What did you think I would do? You’re my best friend, man. You’re…You’re more than that. And you think I’m just gonna be okay with losing you?” Jensen couldn’t answer, but finally looked Jared in the eye, conveying what he could in that simple gaze. “Fuck, Jensen.” Jared’s voice shook. “How could you think that? What would you feel if it were me? What if you suddenly found me dead in the shower?”
“Stop it,” Jensen managed to choke out, his voice somewhat hoarse.
“What if you suddenly found me there, blood all over the floor?” Jared pressed on.
“Stop it!” Jensen said, his voice rising along with the lump in his throat, Jared’s words bringing images from his nightmare to mind.
“Exactly,” Jared said, nodding. “How could you not think I would feel the same way about you? It would kill me, Jensen. It’s not something I could just get over. I’d never be the same again. It already hurts to think that if I didn’t find you…” Jared paused, lowering his head. “I’ve seen it,” he whispered. “I’ve seen it over and over, when I actually do get some sleep. And I can’t even tell you what it does to me.”
Jensen completely fucked up the rest of his scenes. Lines were flubbed, marks were missed, and, for the first time since the show started, he found it impossible to seamlessly slip into Dean’s character. They called it a day early, knowing reshoots would be in order, if they had the time. Jensen apologized, but was still too preoccupied with everything Jared had said to really give a damn about the show.
“I’m sorry,” Jared said later that night as they lay in bed, his breath ghosting over the back of Jensen’s neck, and the words came almost out of nowhere, as if Jared was continuing a conversation they hadn’t actually been having. “I know I’ve been angry with you, since I found you. And I know that you’re in a lot of pain. What’s happening to you is horrible. And the truth is that part of this is my fault.” Jensen tensed at those words, wondering why the fuck Jared was blaming himself, and Jared ran his hand up and down Jensen’s arm. “It’s true. I got so pissed at you for lying to me all this time, and the truth is, I told you to do it. I encouraged you. Way back when, you were asking me how you’d deal with this, and I told you that you were an actor, and that all you had to do was do your job. And you did. And I was so caught up in this plan, and busy trying to be positive enough for the both of us, that I was in denial. I didn’t see it. I didn’t see you. I didn’t even fucking notice.” Jared’s breath hitched, and Jensen felt his heart break. “I should’ve known. I should’ve been looking. But I wasn’t. I just wanted to believe that you believed, and that you were happy. I wasn’t there for you the way I should’ve been. But I’m here now. So, please…please…”
Jared trailed off, his voice fading, and Jensen was once again rendered speechless. Everything Jared had said to him that day had completely blindsided him, almost as much as suddenly having Hellhounds chasing him down. He wasn’t sure what to think about it all yet, or how to feel. Behind him, Jared sighed and turned over, Jensen feeling the movement on the mattress. The conversation was over, and Jensen could let it go at that. But something was tugging at him, knowing that Jared was right there, hurting the way he was. And if he still cared about anyone or anything, it was Jared. He turned over as well, scooting up closer to Jared’s back and putting an arm around him.
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Jared flinched at first, then went rigid, Jensen’s arm suddenly tucking itself around his waist. He almost protested, not wanting Jensen to fake anything else for him. But he stopped himself, thinking that maybe this was really Jensen. It bothered him that he couldn’t tell anymore. He should be able to. It was a major failure on his part to have overlooked something like that for so long.
He felt Jensen sigh behind him, Jensen’s breath warm on his body, and he relaxed into the touch. He let himself forget for just that moment. He let himself forget about who or what was right or wrong, and where to place the blame. He just concentrated on the puffs of breath behind him, the warm limb draped over his body, sure signs that Jensen was there and alive. It was something he needed to take in, and to cherish, knowing that the possibility of Jensen being right still lingered. He could still lose Jensen, and it terrified him. And if he did, he’d need to remember this, remember how it felt. Eventually, he found his breathing matching Jensen’s. And eventually, he fell asleep. It was deep and peaceful, and it wouldn’t have been possible without the feeling of Jensen around him.
It was a surprise the next morning, when Jensen spoke up while they waited for their ride. It was quiet, and they’d just finished getting ready, Jared idly playing with the dogs on the floor while Jensen stood and watched from a distance.
“If I promise to try,” Jensen said suddenly, causing Jared’s head to snap up in surprise. “I mean…if I promise to wait…” Jensen fidgeted, and Jared knew what he meant and stilled, listening. “Will you promise me something?”
“Of course,” Jared replied immediately. “Anything.”
Jensen licked his lips, looking as if he still hated the thought of waiting and holding out for Comic Con, debating whether or not he wanted to continue and make the deal he was proposing.
“Promise me you won’t try to stop them when they come for me.” Jared’s face fell, and he took painful notice of Jensen’s use of the word “when” instead of “if”. “When these things fail,” Jensen continued, holding up his wrists to show the bracelets he was still wearing, “Just promise me you’ll stay out of it.”
“You want me to promise that I’ll just stand back and let them kill you?” Jared asked in disbelief, the words leaving a bad taste in his mouth.
“Yes.”
Jared stared at Jensen, then chewed his bottom lip as he thought about how to answer. He gave up playing with the dogs and stood, hearing a beep from outside. He didn’t like it, but this was the most effort Jensen had shown so far, and while he still doubted how much he could trust Jensen now, he nodded, anyway.
“I promise.”
It was that night that Jared put the calendar up. It was one of those cheesy ones that Jensen would laugh at under normal circumstances, but would barely even notice now; the kind with pictures of flowery fields and puppies on each month that were usually sent in the mail after you’d donated to a charity of some kind. Jared was a giver, and those calendars had piled up in one of the corners of his house. He had a use for one of them now, flipping it open to June, where a picture of a German Shepherd puppy stared up at him from a bed of daisies. He started at June 14th, the day he’d come to Vancouver, and began crossing off the days. Finishing up that month, he flipped to July, where a Rottweiler looked out at him from a field of sunflowers, and continued crossing days off.
Shit, they were close. He hadn’t realized how close they were, and he was willing to bet that Jensen had no idea, either. He marked Comic Con down on the page, noting that there was already a possibility that they wouldn’t be making Saturday, due to filming. That left Sunday. He went back and counted the days from June 14th. It was 43 days from between then and Comic Con. Jared was trying to keep Jensen alive for 43 days. His head was swimming with the thought of it.
Jared grabbed a magnet and put the calendar up on the side of the fridge, staring at it before going into the living room to collect Jensen off the couch and going to bed.
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Jared spent the next two days constantly asking Jensen how much closer the Hellhounds were. Jensen wasn’t always sure how to describe it. All he could say most of the time was, “Closer.” But it was hard when Jared couldn’t see them. Besides that, it wasn’t just the proximity of the Hellhounds that was different. It was the intensity of their presence. It was hard to believe they’d started out as just blurred shapes and muted growls.
“We have to film again tomorrow,” Jared said Friday night, after they’d gotten home, the two of them standing in the kitchen holding glasses of water.
“Yeah, I know,” Jensen said, bringing the glass up to his lips to take another sip.
“…Still hanging in there?” Jared asked, shifting on his feet.
“Yeah.” Jensen shrugged. “I mean, they’re still closer, you know?”
Jared nodded, his eyes large and hopeful, but his expression still holding a bit of doubt, as if he was afraid of acknowledging that hope. Those eyes flicked back and forth between Jensen and the side of the fridge, Jensen following his gaze.
“What?” Jensen asked, eyes finally settling on the calendar. He stepped closer to it, having never noticed it before, and saw Jared’s writing on it. Every day in July up until the 26th had been crossed off, and on the 27th, Jared had written…
Jensen’s eyes widened, and he suddenly felt a sharp intake of breath. “Comic Con” were the words written on the 27th. And the 27th was apparently in two days. Two days. Jensen’s hands began to shake. When had it gotten so close? His heart started beating faster, and a lump appeared in his throat. He wasn’t supposed to make it this far. He’d always thought he’d be gone long before Comic Con. He’d never allowed himself the possibility of reaching it. And now it was two days away. He stood staring at the calendar, fighting for breath, and mentally counted backwards in his head, following the dates in front of him. Shit. Fucking hell. A week. He was only a week out from Comic Con when he’d tried to kill himself. Fuck, he’d tried to kill himself. He’d tried to end it all, and suddenly here he was, standing on the precipice of possible salvation, hope ready and able to rise again.
He was just barely aware of the glass falling from his hand and shattering on the floor, causing the dogs to bark, his knees the next to fall to the cool tile. Suddenly he was crying, in a way that he hadn’t since he was a child. Jared’s arms were around him in an instant, and he fell into them, sobs wracking his body. Everything he’d kept out, refused, and lost in the way of emotions came back to him in a flood, and he lost control, grabbing Jared and holding onto him for dear life, his hands fisted tight in the back of Jared’s shirt as he cried on his shoulder. It was loud and painful, and he couldn’t stop it even if he’d wanted to, Jared’s hands gentle on his body.
Stupid. God, he’d been so stupid. If this worked…Hell, even if it didn’t, he was practically there. Jared was right. Jared was right to have been so disappointed in him. He’d been so lost in his own thoughts and his own pain that he hadn’t even noticed how much time had passed. He hadn’t even noticed. If he hadn’t noticed, then it would’ve been so easy to wait and to try. And he was ready to die just a week shy of the day his life could possibly be saved.
“I know,” Jared’s voice whispered in his ear, comforting and familiar. “I know. I’m here. I’m here with you, all the way. I love you, Jensen.”
Jensen only cried harder, almost afraid he wouldn’t be able to stop, and held on tighter, fingers pulling on the thin material of Jared’s shirt. Jared responded in kind, holding him closer and pressing a kiss to his temple.
“I love you.”
Lucky. Jensen was so fucking lucky to have this. If it weren’t for Jared, he would’ve given up a long time ago, and he wouldn’t be here to live through this and take this chance. His heart both swelled and hurt when he thought about everything Jared had done for him. Fuck, if he really did live through this, he’d do everything he could to make up the past few months to Jared. He doubted he ever could, but he’d have to try.
He wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that on the floor of the kitchen, Jensen crying his heart out while Jared held him. He didn’t take offense when he heard Jared breathe, “Finally,” against his ear, knowing that Jared had been waiting for this. Jared had been looking for the real Jensen all week, and had finally found him, true emotions pouring out of him. They didn’t move even when the tears finally let up, finally tapering off in small, hiccupping sobs. It took a while for Jensen to finally pull back a little and lift his head off of Jared’s wet shoulder, words rolling off his lips before he could even think about them. But he didn’t really have to think about them. They were there, and they were true, and he’d known it for a while, somewhere deep inside. He just hadn’t allowed things hidden that deeply to come to the surface in a long time.
“I love you, too,” he whispered, dry and hoarse.
Jared’s hand was on his face immediately, cupping his cheek gently, thumb brushing over it to wipe away the tears. Jensen’s eyes flicked up to Jared’s, finding a shimmering plethora of emotions there, before falling to Jared’s lips, and he leaned forward, brushing his own lips against them, a tentative kiss. They had already separated before Jared responded, another light brushing of his lips on Jensen’s. And then their lips were parting, and they were making out on the kitchen floor, but it was more than that. It was months, years of things they’d felt for each other. It was regret over the time they’d wasted, apologies for everywhere they went wrong in the past few months, the fear of losing each other, and the need to have the other close by. Whatever one requested, the other gave, and it was equal in its suddenly demanding pace, lips bruising and tongues clashing.
It wasn’t until Jensen began to sag, Jared’s tongue still in his mouth, that they broke apart, panting, Jensen’s head going back to rest on Jared’s shoulder. He was drained from the toll his emotions had taken on his body, and his eyes began to close, as if he had no power over them, either. Jared gently lifted him, and they stood, swaying together, their legs numb from staying in the same position on the hard floor for too long. Jared led him into the living room and sat him down on the couch while he went back into the kitchen to clean up the glass. Once he was finished, they climbed the stairs together, Jensen leaning his exhausted body into Jared’s for support.
Jensen took out his contacts and Jared helped him undress once they made it into the bedroom, the two of them stripping down to their boxers before getting into bed. For the first time, they slept together without any tension or hurt between them, the two of them on their sides, facing each other, Jared’s chin resting above Jensen’s head, and Jensen’s head curled into his chest. For the first time in a long time, Jensen felt alive, and he tangled his legs together with Jared’s, welcoming the feel of Jared’s arm wrapping around his body.
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Jensen woke to Jared slapping at the alarm clock before wrapping him up in his arms again, and snuggled closer before lifting his head to look up at Jared. Jared kissed his forehead, and Jensen reached up to press their lips together. It happened just like the night before, starting light and innocent, and becoming something much more, mouths opening and tongues stroking inside. They were waking up into it, their bodies coming alive, Jensen amazed at feeling a fire inside he hadn’t been able to feel since that failed attempt in the airplane bathroom.
Tomorrow. All they had to do was get through today, and then tomorrow it could be over. They had no way of knowing which way it would go, only the hope that it would go the way they wanted it to. They’d wasted so much time, and it was possible they had very little left. Jensen’s leg was wedged between Jared’s, and he deliberately rubbed it against Jared’s crotch, thrilled by the twitch and bulge he felt there and the way Jared moaned into his mouth, as if he’d been wanting this for centuries. His own cock lifted in response, and he pushed Jared over, never breaking the kiss as he rolled on top of him, hips rolling down against Jared’s.
Twin gasps and moans were heard as their clothed erections touched and rubbed together, and Jensen’s hips were rolling again before he could stop them, Jared’s legs opening around him. Jared lifted his own hips to press up against him, and the mood was suddenly frantic, Jensen thrusting down hard against Jared, and Jared rising to meet him. Jensen bit down on Jared’s bottom lip before pulling away from the kiss, lifting and bracing himself on his arms, palms planted on either side of Jared’s body, grunting and grinding hard against Jared. Jared gasped and gripped Jensen’s arms, still doing his best to meet all of Jensen’s downward thrusts. Jensen wanted more, and he was sure that they both did, more than just dry humping, craving the feel of skin on skin. All it would take was a hand shoved beneath a waistband. But they were too desperate and rushed to care, and Jensen moved faster, harder, head thrown back on a moan that he heard Jared echo beneath him.
“Jensen,” Jared groaned, hips jerking every so often as he gave up on trying to meet every thrust, Jensen driving hard against him, pressing him down into the mattress. “Jense-OH! God…”
Jared arched beneath him, eyes fluttering closed and mouth falling open, and Jensen felt it happen, felt the twitch of Jared’s cock and the spread of warm wetness through the material of their boxers.
“Fuck,” Jensen cursed, his voice strained, and his hips snapped forward, his entire body tensing and shaking as he came on an elongated groan, fucking himself through it, Jared moaning helplessly below him.
He fell onto Jared when he finished, sticky and wet inside his boxers, and Jesus, he hadn’t come like that in so long, he’d almost forgotten what it was like.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Shower,” Jared said, and kissed the top of Jensen’s head, his breathing finally back under control. Jensen groaned and rolled off of him, getting out of bed, and Jared followed, the two of them heading into the bathroom together. “Ugh.” Jared pulled his boxers off, the material and his dick covered in sticky white, and let them drop to the floor. “Thanks a lot, Jensen.”
“You fucking loved it,” Jensen replied with a smirk, removing his own sullied boxers.
They looked at each other, eyes roaming, and then Jared came forward, planting a kiss on Jensen’s lips. They were ribbing each other again, and it made Jared want to laugh and cry at the same time. His plan for tomorrow had to work. It couldn’t end this way. It wouldn’t be fair if it did.
“How close are they?” he asked quietly, his hands resting on Jensen’s arms. Jensen hesitated before responding.
“Closer. Always closer.” Jared’s heart hurt.
“One more day,” he said, lips against Jensen’s. “Just one more day.”
“One more day,” Jensen agreed, gripping his wrist and leading him into the shower, turning the water on.
Jared was too easily reminded of the last time he’d been in the shower with Jensen, and Jensen knew it, had to, kissing him and cleaning him gently. They washed each other off, Jensen using Jared’s soap and shampoo for once, and Jared went for the towels when they were finished. He kept his eyes locked with Jensen’s as he dried him off, the sentiment completely different from the last time, and Jensen’s eyes were both pained and thankful, both of them trying to replace bad memories with good ones.
Once on set, they were handed the scripts for the next episode, and Jared prayed that there would be a next episode. They hung out in Jared’s trailer, waiting to be called in for hair and makeup, Jensen idly flipping through the script pages.
“Oh, great,” Jensen moaned, and Jared turned to him and saw a playful smirk on Jensen’s face, the script held up in his left hand. “I can’t wait to hear all the,” Jensen used his right hand to make a few masturbatory gestures, complete with *fapfapfap* noises, “about this one. You have one line, and then you’re gone for the rest of the episode. One word, to be exact. Sam fans are gonna have my head on a platter.”
“They’ll get over it,” Jared shrugged, laughing. He fidgeted in his seat, Jensen’s noisy miming eliciting more than one reaction in his body, and he knew that Jensen noticed, catching him suppressing a grin.
“Dude…You don’t mind it, do you?” Jensen asked, his expression turning to concern.
“Of course not!” Jared scoffed. “Are you kidding me? I could use the time off.” Jensen gave him a look that he didn’t recognize, and he suddenly feared he’d said something wrong. “Man…I didn’t just say that because of what’s been going on with you...”
“No, I know,” Jensen said quickly. “It’s okay, I know what you meant. Hell, even if our lives were normal right now, a vacation from this kind of schedule would be fantastic.”
“Wanna make out?” Jared asked after a brief moment of silence, fidgeting again, and Jensen laughed at him.
“Is it really that easy to get you riled?” Jared grabbed Jensen’s hand and placed it over his crotch, and Jensen nodded thoughtfully. “So it is. Shouldn’t we be running lines or somethi-”
Jared cut him off with a kiss, tired of the game they were playing. He knew they needed it, needed to at least try to keep the mood light, but he was still too anxious, and he knew that Jensen was, too, opening up to Jared’s kiss like he’d been starving for it. It was days like this that made Jared wonder how they even did it. Here they were, trying desperately to keep Jensen’s death at bay, time running out, and in a short while they’d be on set, running around with the shapeshifter version of a 1930s Dracula. He stopped thinking about it when Jensen’s tongue thrust its way into his mouth, Jensen’s hand forcing its way down the front of his pants. And of course it was that moment when a knock came on the door, and they had to separate, reluctantly heading out to get prettied up for the cameras.
That night found them clinging to each other in bed, neither of them bothering to even attempt sleep. It was a similar position to the night before, Jensen curled into Jared, who wrapped protective arms around him.
“I’m scared,” Jensen breathed against Jared’s chest, and Jared could feel him trembling. “I’m so fucking scared, Jared. I feel like I’m gonna be sick.”
“I know,” Jared said, holding Jensen tighter, his own stomach churning. He didn’t know what else to say. He couldn’t promise anything, and he couldn’t comfort Jensen any more than he already had, knowing what the consequences of his plan failing were.
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Jensen froze when he stepped out into the hallway, the Hellhound mere inches away from him now. Jared came up behind him, arms wrapping around his waist.
“What’s wrong?”
Jensen couldn’t answer, just bolted to the bathroom, bile rising in his throat, and he gagged over the toilet, Jared seconds behind him, rubbing his back. Jensen’s eyes began to tear from the burn when the bile forced its way up and out, and he began wondering if he could even make it through Comic Con. But he had to. If there was a chance it could work, he had to.
The flight to Australia paled in comparison to the one they took that day, and Jensen kept his eyes closed the entire time, pretending to nap. He heard the flight attendant ask Jared if he was feeling okay, and knew that his sweating and trembling was noticeable, Jared telling her that he’d be fine, but could they please have a blanket? Soft material covered Jensen moments later, Jared’s hand sneaking beneath it to grab Jensen’s own, linking their fingers together. Jensen squeezed in thanks, and he heard Jared whisper a, “Hang in there,” beneath the terrifying growl he could hear from the aisle.
They somehow managed to find themselves alone in a bathroom before their panel at Comic Con began, and they held each other close, Jared kissing Jensen deeply.
“We can do this,” Jared said, pulling away. “We’ve made it this far. You’ve made it this far.”
“I don’t want you to leave,” Jensen replied, aware of how pathetic he sounded, and how conflicted he felt. He wanted Jared with him, next to him for the rest of the day, but he also didn’t want to put Jared in danger, remembering his nightmare. But they had to separate after this, holding separate interviews, and Jared promoting his movie.
“I know. I don’t want to leave you. I’m sorry,” Jared apologized. “But we can do this. I’ll find you after, and we’ll go back home, okay?”
Jensen nodded, and they headed for their panel. It was tense, and it was awkward, but they tried. Jensen tried. He tried to smile, tried to laugh, and tried to make jokes when he knew he should. But he had trouble with it, couldn’t make Jensen Two appear like he used to be able to. He was too scared, his hands shaking beneath the table, nearly jumping out of his skin when Jared reached down and grabbed his hand, holding it. He knew they seemed forced, their usual banter not showing up as much and not working as well when it did. But he still did his job, still answered questions he was asked, still chased the Ghostfacers away, and still talked briefly with a fan who came to see him up close. He wasn’t sure how he did it, and he wasn’t sure whether or not to be relieved when it was over.
He’d reached the worst part of this, waiting around to see if the plan had worked. He was losing his mind, a Hellhound nipping at the air by his fingers as he walked, and he was so close to being sick again until he saw Jared. He had to hold himself back, keep himself from bursting into tears or screaming out loud, and Jared knew it, grinning widely and wrapping an arm around him in a gesture that would look like a friendly greeting to anyone else.
The flight home was more than Jensen could handle, the Hellhound actually snapping at him from the aisle, causing him to cry out in fear. Jared grabbed him and held him close, somehow explaining the incident away to the flight attendant, but Jensen wasn’t listening. He felt himself beginning to hyperventilate, and Jared soothed him, rubbing his chest and whispering in his ear.
“We’ll be home soon. We’ll get you in the bedroom, and you’ll be safer. Just hang on. Hang on.”
Jensen ran to the bedroom when they got home, leaving Jared to take care of the dogs and grab the laptop. He couldn’t stop shaking, couldn’t help the few tears that escaped his eyes. He didn’t want to die, not like this. He didn’t deserve it, and the thought that he might end up in Hell had him curling up on the bed in a fetal position, hands clutching at his stomach.
“Ten thousand hits,” Jensen heard Jared say, feeling the bed dip when Jared sat on it. He turned slightly and saw Jared setting the laptop down on the bed, as well. “Sam mentioned ten thousand web surfers in Hell House. I’m guessing that’s what we need.” Jared’s silence afterwards told Jensen that they hadn’t reached that number yet.
“Oh, God.” Jensen turned away, curling in on himself even more, his head in his hands, and Jared reached for him, curling up behind him and kissing the back of his neck.
“It can still happen, alright? People are posting shit already. The hits will rise.”
“What if they don’t?” Jensen choked out. “What if this still doesn’t work?”
“Then I’m sorry,” Jared said, and Jensen could hear the tears in his voice. “I’m so fucking sorry, Jensen. I love you.”
Jensen turned over and leaned in for a desperate, sloppy kiss, his panic making him uncoordinated in his attempts. They spent the next few hours watching the hits on the fansite Jensen had pointed out over a month ago rise, Jared constantly telling him how much closer they were than before, his hands and mouth always somewhere on Jensen’s skin. Jensen wanted to say something, tons of things. He wanted to tell Jared everything he’d ever thought and felt about him, wanted to ask him to tell his family he loved them, wanted so much to speak all those last words he felt he was supposed to say. But all those words caught in his throat, and he had to concentrate enough on breathing, let alone talking. He just hoped Jared knew how much he meant to him, that he shouldn’t blame himself if he couldn’t save Jensen, and that Jensen would’ve been lost without him. Jensen gripped Jared tighter as another hour ticked away. Jesus, things couldn’t end this way. They just couldn’t.
And that’s when Jensen heard it, Jared seemingly unaware. He heard the sound of it hit the floor, and his blood ran cold, feeling on the border of hysteria. He forced himself to look, to see it, see the Devil’s Shoestring on the floor. He sobbed, grabbing Jared and kissing him, wishing his heart would just burst in his chest the way it felt like it would any moment now, instead of having to die the way he was about to.
“I love you.”
“Jensen?” Jared asked, alarmed. “Wha-”
The door slammed open, and Jensen felt his pulse racing at the sight of the Hellhound rushing the circle of dust with a menacing growl, fear and adrenaline coursing through his veins. But he wouldn’t make the same mistake he had in his dreams.
“Jared, you have to go,” he said hurriedly, and Jared looked in horror at the thinning circle, the dust blowing wildly around the room, and turned back to Jensen, shaking his head, tears flowing freely down his cheeks, looking too much like Sam did in the season finale.
“No,” Jared leaned over and reached for him, grabbing his arm. “No, I’m not leaving you. I can’t.”
“Jared, you have to!” Jensen insisted, pushing Jared away, eyeing the thin line that remained around the bed, blood pounding in his ears with the vibrations of the growl resonating around the room. “You promised!”
“I don’t care!” Jared shouted, coming back and gripping him harder, blocking his line of vision. “I won’t leave you here like this!”
Jensen was shaking his head so fast he felt dizzy and sick, images of Jared shredded and bloody on the bed swimming before his eyes. He sobbed again, pulling out of Jared’s grasp and taking him in his own, using all of the strength he could muster to shove Jared off the side of the bed and out of the way, hearing a thud as Jared hit the floor.
“JENSEN!”
Jensen cried and shook, gasping for breath, and turned back to look at the Hellhound and the dust, the circle breaking before his eyes. Demonic eyes and deadly teeth and claws were hurtling towards him, and he fell back, a scream tearing itself from his throat as he lifted his arm and covered his face, Jared’s anguished, “NO!” sounding from somewhere beyond the growl that came from above him, a burst of hot air accompanying it; the breath of a Hellhound. He heard a tearing sound, closing his eyes and feeling the pain almost before it began.
“JENSEN!”
For a moment, he thought he was dead already, and wondered how it was possible for it to have been over so quickly. It was quiet; too quiet.
“Jensen?!”
Jared? Where was he?
“Jensen?”
Something touched his arm, lowering it. He flinched and kept his eyes closed, squeezing them shut, afraid of what he’d see. What if this was Hell? What if he opened his eyes and saw Jared the way he had in his nightmare, calling out to him?
“Jensen,” Jared pleaded, sniffling, “Open your eyes. Open your eyes.”
Jensen did so slowly, eyelids lifting little by little, eventually taking in the sight of Jared leaning over him, a tentative smile tugging at the corners of Jared’s lips. He stared, confused, and flinched again when one of Jared’s tears fell onto his own cheek.
“You’re alive,” Jared told him, barely able to speak. “Jensen, you’re alive.”
“Jared?” Jensen rasped, slowly becoming aware of the feeling of oxygen filling his lungs, of tears drying on his cheeks, his chest rising and falling, and his heart beating steadily in his chest. Realization began to dawn, his heartbeat speeding up a bit as his eyes widened. “Jared?” he asked, his voice rising a notch. He sat bolt upright when Jared nodded, Jared moving out of his way so he could look around the room.
“Is it gone?” Jared asked quietly, his tone anxious and hopeful.
Jensen stared at the broken circle, the dust scattered around the room, the Devil’s Shoestring on the floor, and he listened intently, watching for any sign of something he’d missed. But there was nothing. There was no whine, no growl, no demonic eyes, and no flash of black. He grabbed for the laptop, clicking to refresh the fansite with shaky fingers. It took him a few moments of staring at the number of hits to realize they’d reached just over ten thousand, the digits not making any sense to him at first. He lifted a hand to his chest, gasping in surprise when his fingers reached through a tear in his shirt just over his heart. He looked down, staring at a scrape that hadn’t quite broken the skin, a few of the beads on his necklace broken open, the contents inside spilling out. He was in a daze, his brain still playing catch-up, and he turned around to face Jared, who stared back at him with wide eyes.
“It’s gone,” he heard himself saying, his voice holding a certain sense of wonder, and Jared’s face lit up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“It worked,” Jared said, feeling the grin spreading on his face. “It worked!” He clapped his hands together and laughed loudly, bouncing slightly on the mattress, so happy he thought he might explode. “We fucking made it!” He grabbed Jensen and shook him, still laughing, and trying to pull the other man out of his daze. “Jensen, you’re alive! It’s OVER!”
Jensen’s wide, shocked eyes focused on his, and he immediately brought their lips together, kissing Jensen softly, both of them kneeling on the bed. It took a moment for Jensen to respond, his lips slack against Jared’s, and then Jensen suddenly came alive, pushing forward into Jared and grabbing at him. Their lips clashed as they panted, hands pulling at each other’s bodies. Jared fit his hand between them, into the opening clawed through Jensen’s shirt, running his fingertips over the scrape above Jensen’s heart, and Jensen’s hands fisted in his hair, pulling him closer, moaning into his mouth.
Jared’s hand skimmed over warm skin and gripped the jagged edge of the tear in Jensen’s shirt, pulling and tearing it the rest of the way, Jensen’s front exposed. Jensen broke away, shucking the torn shirt easily, then returned, hungrily seeking Jared’s mouth again. Jared joined in the heated kiss, his tongue flicking against Jensen’s, his hands automatically moving to fumble with Jensen’s belt, surging forward when it fell open. Jensen kept moving closer into him, kept mouthing at his skin, biting at his lips, hands in his hair.
It was a rush to get Jensen’s jeans open and push them down and out of the way along with Jensen’s boxers, Jared’s hand immediately wrapping around Jensen’s cock, already hard. It was amazing, hearing Jensen’s startled gasp in his ear as his body surged against him, feeling Jensen hot, heavy, alive and throbbing in his hand. He moved his hand up and down the shaft experimentally, and Jensen’s hands fell to his back, gripping his shirt, Jensen whimpering against his shoulder. Jared looked down between them, feeling his own cock jerk in the confines of his clothes when he took in the sight of Jensen, full and flushed in his hand. He watched as he gave Jensen another stroke, twisting his wrist, and saw pre-come appear the tip, glistening and wet. Jensen was already moaning when Jared swiped at it with his thumb, fisting Jensen’s cock eagerly now, twisting his wrist on every upstroke.
Jensen lifted his head from Jared’s shoulder, breathing heavily, and caught Jared’s lips in a quick, dirty kiss. Jared watched when Jensen pulled away, watched when the color deepened in his cheeks, his mouth falling open as he moaned helplessly, eyes squeezing shut in pleasure. Jensen’s hands were on his shoulders now, gripping for support, and Jared hissed when that grip grew tighter, knowing he’d have bruises there later. Jared tightened his own grip, and Jensen fell into him again, head on his shoulder, whimpering softly.
He felt it starting, Jensen swelling and stiffening even more in Jared’s hand, his voice growing louder in Jared’s ear, and Jared’s mouth fell open in silent sympathy with Jensen’s heightened ecstasy, his own dick begging for attention. And then Jensen was shaking and pulsing, his come shooting out between their bodies. Jared felt it flowing over his hand, saw it catch on his shirt, Jensen’s skin. Jensen finished and sagged against him, and Jared rushed to get his own belt and pants undone, pulling his dick out and stroking it, Jensen’s warm come on his hand easing the way.
“Jare,” Jensen slurred, reaching down for him. But Jared was already close, so close, after making Jensen fall apart in his arms, and it only took him a few more frantic strokes to come, making even more of a mess between them.
Jensen pushed, and Jared fell backwards onto the mattress, straightening his legs out as he fell. He looked up, surprised to see Jensen up and moving, watching him take his clothes off the rest of the way and toss them on the floor. Jared smiled gratefully as Jensen undressed him, then grabbed for the torn shirt, cleaning them both off with it, moving the laptop, and climbing back into bed.
“Would’ve helped you,” Jensen said tiredly, kissing Jared and laying down on top of him.
“Mmm,” Jared wrapped his arms around Jensen, sighing happily. He’d never been happier, never felt as euphoric as he did right now. “You already did. I got most of the way there just getting you there.”
“Jared?” Jensen asked, and Jared knew there was something wrong just from the sound of Jensen’s voice. They should both be excited and relieved and celebrating right now, and Jensen suddenly sounded so damn scared again. “Tell me this is real.”
“It’s real, Jensen,” Jared soothed, his fingertips running up and down Jensen’s spine. “It’s all over. You’re safe now. This is real.”
“I’m sorry,” Jensen apologized. “I know I should be happy, and I am. It’s just…after all this time of trying to figure out what’s real and what’s not, and all this stuff going on in my head…”
“It’s okay,” Jared said when Jensen paused. “Just because it’s over, that doesn’t mean you’re gonna just snap back to normal. This shit was intense, man. It really fucked you up. That doesn’t just go away. But you’ll get better. I’ll help you.”
“I’m just scared,” Jensen admitted. “I’m afraid that if I go to sleep tonight, when I wake up, this will all be gone; like it’s all some kind of trick. We spent all this time trying to make it to today, and now I’m afraid of what’ll happen tomorrow. I’ve lost so much since all of this started, and I don’t want this taken away from me, too.”
Jared was silent. He didn’t know what to say to that. There was no way to ease that fear in Jensen. The only possible solution to the problem was Jensen just getting over his fear and going to sleep, waking up to his new life the next day. Jared suddenly felt tired himself, and it surprised him. A few minutes ago, he thought he’d be up all night celebrating. But then he realized they’d made it through 43 days. They’d gone through 43 days of worrying and suffering and pain, and he could feel it like an ache in his body. The relief that it was over now was giving way to exhaustion. He knew there would still be things they’d have to deal with, as Jensen wasn’t completely stable yet, and probably wouldn’t be for a while. He knew that things couldn’t just suddenly be sunshine and rainbows, and that the things Jensen had done would come back to haunt him, too. But they could deal with it. If they’d just dealt with the last 43 days, they could deal with any problems that were leftover.
“Sleep, Jensen,” Jared said tiredly, rolling Jensen off of him and grabbing for Jensen’s contacts case. Jensen hesitantly accepted it and removed his contacts, placing the case back on the nightstand, blinking up at Jared from where he lay on his back. “It’s over,” Jared repeated, kissing Jensen lightly on the lips and laying on top of him, head resting on his chest. “Just sleep.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jensen woke up to the sound of the alarm clock and reached his hand out, smacking at it until it stopped making that incessant fucking beeping sound. He heard a small, “Mmm,” from below him, and felt arms wrapping around him, lips pressing to his chest. He immediately grabbed his glasses and slid them on, opening his eyes and lifting his head to look down at Jared; Jared, wrapped around him and grinning up at him.
“Morning,” Jared chuckled, and Jensen’s heart leapt in his chest. “Yeah,” Jared said, and Jensen guessed he was responding to the big goofy grin that was probably gracing his own face now, too. “This is real.”
Before Jensen could respond, he heard jingling, and both of them turned their heads to the doorway, Sadie and Harley charging in. Harley jumped onto the bed, using his body to knock Jared off of Jensen and settle over him himself. For a split-second, Jensen almost screamed, a reflex from having Hellhounds jumping at him for months, now. But then he felt a warm tongue sliding repeatedly over his face, and he heard Sadie barking, and Jared shouting at Harley and laughing. Joy was suddenly bursting through him, and he laughed and squirmed under Harley, reaching up to pat and scratch the big dog.
“Harley, that’s enough!” And suddenly Jared was above him again, pushing Harley out of the way, the dog responding with an unhappy grunt. Jared shook his head at Harley and laughed. “Little brat.” He turned back to Jensen. “You okay?”
“Yeah!” Jensen answered, laughing breathlessly and patting the bed. “Where’s your girl?”
He sat up as Sadie bounded onto the mattress, tail wagging, and he laughed and scratched her behind the ears. He’d missed this, having the dogs actually respond to him with more than just a growl and running away. It made him feel alive and normal again, just like waking up with Jared wrapped around him, even though that was pretty new to them both. Jared eventually shooed the dogs away and came up behind Jensen, kissing his neck, erection pressed up against his backside, and Jensen groaned.
“Are you happy now?” Jared whispered in his ear, nipping the lobe.
“Yeah,” Jensen breathed, half hard and leaning back onto Jared, smiling. “But we have to get ready for work.”
“Fuck you!” Jared playfully shoved Jensen forward, and Jensen fell onto the bed laughing. Jared fell on top of him, and suddenly they were wrestling, laughing and breathless, stopping every so often to steal kisses and rut against each other, always fighting for the upper hand. They eventually fell off the bed, Jared landing on top of Jensen.
“Fucking giant,” Jensen grunted, still smiling, even with the wind knocked out of him. Jared looked at him and smiled, hair hanging in his face, and bent down to kiss him. They were still making out, naked and hard and moaning, when Jensen heard a beep from out front. “Shit!” Jensen cursed, laughing when he swore he heard Jared growl.
Chapter 8: Vacations and Confessions
Chapter 2: Blood and Dust
Chapter 3: Cereal and Stitches
Chapter 4: Breakfast and Bathrooms
Chapter 5: Doctors and Bracelets
Chapter 6: Words and Knives
Chapter 7: Showers and Dates
That night passed much like the night before, with Jared keeping a strict eye on Jensen until they began filming the next morning. It was beginning to make Jensen itch. He had nowhere to hide, nowhere to be alone with his thoughts, like he had before. He wanted to scream at Jared, push him away, and tell him to just stop fucking trying already. But he kept his mouth shut and continued on.
After some more work on his solo scenes, he went off to Jared’s trailer. Their scenes together were coming up, and he knocked lightly on the door again before opening it and sticking his head inside.
“Jare-”
Jensen stopped short when he saw Jared sitting in his trailer with Dr. Anderson, his lips snapping shut. He couldn’t help the glare he sent in Jared’s direction.
“We need you on set,” he said curtly, before closing the door and waiting for Jared outside. He turned to face Jared as soon as the door opened. “Jared, I told you, I am not talking to that man!”
“I know,” Jared said calmly, fumbling with the sleeves on Sam’s jacket and beginning to walk to set, forcing Jensen to catch up with him.
“Then why is he still here?” Jensen asked, his tone accusatory. Jared stopped walking and turned to stand in front of Jensen.
“Because I’m talking to him,” Jared replied, hands forcing their way into the pockets of Sam’s coat.
“…About what?” Jensen asked, staring at Jared in confusion. He saw Jared hesitate and look away before answering.
“About what it’s like to be friends with someone who’s lost their will to live. About how you should deal with someone who’s suicidal.” Jared glanced at Jensen with a lost look in his eyes and shrugged, a sad smile playing on his lips. “Don’t worry, man, I don’t tell him about the supernatural aspect of all this. I mean, I lie, of course. I have no choice. But I need this.”
“Why?” Jensen asked quietly, his voice barely above a whisper. Jared stared back at him as if he should know, his expression full of sorrow.
“Because I love you, Jensen,” Jared said softly, taking a deep breath afterward. Jensen’s eyes widened, thoughts racing through his brain as he took in Jared’s words and body language, realizing that Jared had just admitted something; something big. “And you can take that however you want,” Jared continued, “Friendly or otherwise. But the simple fact is that I love you. And I know I can't talk to any of our friends or family about this, but I have to talk to someone, because I can’t handle this on my own. I can’t handle you on my own. I just can’t. It hurts too much, and if I don’t get help, then I’m just gonna fuckin’ lose it.”
Jensen froze, completely taken aback. He couldn’t respond to that, didn’t know how to. He knew Jared cared, that Jared wanted to save him, and that Jared was hurt by what he’d done. But, as he’d thought the past few days, he’d always expected Jared to get over it; to realize how much Jensen had inhibited him, held him back, and made his life worse than it had to be. And instead, Jared was standing in front of him telling him that he loved him. And not just as a friend, either. Jared was admitting to being in love with him. And beyond that, Jared was so invested in Jensen’s wellbeing that he needed to see a fucking shrink. Jensen wasn’t sure what part of that hit him the hardest or confused him the most. But he’d never expected Jared to react this way.
“Jesus, Jensen,” Jared suddenly said, snapping Jensen out of his trance and stepping closer. “What did you think would happen to me? Huh? What did you think I would do? You’re my best friend, man. You’re…You’re more than that. And you think I’m just gonna be okay with losing you?” Jensen couldn’t answer, but finally looked Jared in the eye, conveying what he could in that simple gaze. “Fuck, Jensen.” Jared’s voice shook. “How could you think that? What would you feel if it were me? What if you suddenly found me dead in the shower?”
“Stop it,” Jensen managed to choke out, his voice somewhat hoarse.
“What if you suddenly found me there, blood all over the floor?” Jared pressed on.
“Stop it!” Jensen said, his voice rising along with the lump in his throat, Jared’s words bringing images from his nightmare to mind.
“Exactly,” Jared said, nodding. “How could you not think I would feel the same way about you? It would kill me, Jensen. It’s not something I could just get over. I’d never be the same again. It already hurts to think that if I didn’t find you…” Jared paused, lowering his head. “I’ve seen it,” he whispered. “I’ve seen it over and over, when I actually do get some sleep. And I can’t even tell you what it does to me.”
Jensen completely fucked up the rest of his scenes. Lines were flubbed, marks were missed, and, for the first time since the show started, he found it impossible to seamlessly slip into Dean’s character. They called it a day early, knowing reshoots would be in order, if they had the time. Jensen apologized, but was still too preoccupied with everything Jared had said to really give a damn about the show.
“I’m sorry,” Jared said later that night as they lay in bed, his breath ghosting over the back of Jensen’s neck, and the words came almost out of nowhere, as if Jared was continuing a conversation they hadn’t actually been having. “I know I’ve been angry with you, since I found you. And I know that you’re in a lot of pain. What’s happening to you is horrible. And the truth is that part of this is my fault.” Jensen tensed at those words, wondering why the fuck Jared was blaming himself, and Jared ran his hand up and down Jensen’s arm. “It’s true. I got so pissed at you for lying to me all this time, and the truth is, I told you to do it. I encouraged you. Way back when, you were asking me how you’d deal with this, and I told you that you were an actor, and that all you had to do was do your job. And you did. And I was so caught up in this plan, and busy trying to be positive enough for the both of us, that I was in denial. I didn’t see it. I didn’t see you. I didn’t even fucking notice.” Jared’s breath hitched, and Jensen felt his heart break. “I should’ve known. I should’ve been looking. But I wasn’t. I just wanted to believe that you believed, and that you were happy. I wasn’t there for you the way I should’ve been. But I’m here now. So, please…please…”
Jared trailed off, his voice fading, and Jensen was once again rendered speechless. Everything Jared had said to him that day had completely blindsided him, almost as much as suddenly having Hellhounds chasing him down. He wasn’t sure what to think about it all yet, or how to feel. Behind him, Jared sighed and turned over, Jensen feeling the movement on the mattress. The conversation was over, and Jensen could let it go at that. But something was tugging at him, knowing that Jared was right there, hurting the way he was. And if he still cared about anyone or anything, it was Jared. He turned over as well, scooting up closer to Jared’s back and putting an arm around him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jared flinched at first, then went rigid, Jensen’s arm suddenly tucking itself around his waist. He almost protested, not wanting Jensen to fake anything else for him. But he stopped himself, thinking that maybe this was really Jensen. It bothered him that he couldn’t tell anymore. He should be able to. It was a major failure on his part to have overlooked something like that for so long.
He felt Jensen sigh behind him, Jensen’s breath warm on his body, and he relaxed into the touch. He let himself forget for just that moment. He let himself forget about who or what was right or wrong, and where to place the blame. He just concentrated on the puffs of breath behind him, the warm limb draped over his body, sure signs that Jensen was there and alive. It was something he needed to take in, and to cherish, knowing that the possibility of Jensen being right still lingered. He could still lose Jensen, and it terrified him. And if he did, he’d need to remember this, remember how it felt. Eventually, he found his breathing matching Jensen’s. And eventually, he fell asleep. It was deep and peaceful, and it wouldn’t have been possible without the feeling of Jensen around him.
It was a surprise the next morning, when Jensen spoke up while they waited for their ride. It was quiet, and they’d just finished getting ready, Jared idly playing with the dogs on the floor while Jensen stood and watched from a distance.
“If I promise to try,” Jensen said suddenly, causing Jared’s head to snap up in surprise. “I mean…if I promise to wait…” Jensen fidgeted, and Jared knew what he meant and stilled, listening. “Will you promise me something?”
“Of course,” Jared replied immediately. “Anything.”
Jensen licked his lips, looking as if he still hated the thought of waiting and holding out for Comic Con, debating whether or not he wanted to continue and make the deal he was proposing.
“Promise me you won’t try to stop them when they come for me.” Jared’s face fell, and he took painful notice of Jensen’s use of the word “when” instead of “if”. “When these things fail,” Jensen continued, holding up his wrists to show the bracelets he was still wearing, “Just promise me you’ll stay out of it.”
“You want me to promise that I’ll just stand back and let them kill you?” Jared asked in disbelief, the words leaving a bad taste in his mouth.
“Yes.”
Jared stared at Jensen, then chewed his bottom lip as he thought about how to answer. He gave up playing with the dogs and stood, hearing a beep from outside. He didn’t like it, but this was the most effort Jensen had shown so far, and while he still doubted how much he could trust Jensen now, he nodded, anyway.
“I promise.”
It was that night that Jared put the calendar up. It was one of those cheesy ones that Jensen would laugh at under normal circumstances, but would barely even notice now; the kind with pictures of flowery fields and puppies on each month that were usually sent in the mail after you’d donated to a charity of some kind. Jared was a giver, and those calendars had piled up in one of the corners of his house. He had a use for one of them now, flipping it open to June, where a picture of a German Shepherd puppy stared up at him from a bed of daisies. He started at June 14th, the day he’d come to Vancouver, and began crossing off the days. Finishing up that month, he flipped to July, where a Rottweiler looked out at him from a field of sunflowers, and continued crossing days off.
Shit, they were close. He hadn’t realized how close they were, and he was willing to bet that Jensen had no idea, either. He marked Comic Con down on the page, noting that there was already a possibility that they wouldn’t be making Saturday, due to filming. That left Sunday. He went back and counted the days from June 14th. It was 43 days from between then and Comic Con. Jared was trying to keep Jensen alive for 43 days. His head was swimming with the thought of it.
Jared grabbed a magnet and put the calendar up on the side of the fridge, staring at it before going into the living room to collect Jensen off the couch and going to bed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jared spent the next two days constantly asking Jensen how much closer the Hellhounds were. Jensen wasn’t always sure how to describe it. All he could say most of the time was, “Closer.” But it was hard when Jared couldn’t see them. Besides that, it wasn’t just the proximity of the Hellhounds that was different. It was the intensity of their presence. It was hard to believe they’d started out as just blurred shapes and muted growls.
“We have to film again tomorrow,” Jared said Friday night, after they’d gotten home, the two of them standing in the kitchen holding glasses of water.
“Yeah, I know,” Jensen said, bringing the glass up to his lips to take another sip.
“…Still hanging in there?” Jared asked, shifting on his feet.
“Yeah.” Jensen shrugged. “I mean, they’re still closer, you know?”
Jared nodded, his eyes large and hopeful, but his expression still holding a bit of doubt, as if he was afraid of acknowledging that hope. Those eyes flicked back and forth between Jensen and the side of the fridge, Jensen following his gaze.
“What?” Jensen asked, eyes finally settling on the calendar. He stepped closer to it, having never noticed it before, and saw Jared’s writing on it. Every day in July up until the 26th had been crossed off, and on the 27th, Jared had written…
Jensen’s eyes widened, and he suddenly felt a sharp intake of breath. “Comic Con” were the words written on the 27th. And the 27th was apparently in two days. Two days. Jensen’s hands began to shake. When had it gotten so close? His heart started beating faster, and a lump appeared in his throat. He wasn’t supposed to make it this far. He’d always thought he’d be gone long before Comic Con. He’d never allowed himself the possibility of reaching it. And now it was two days away. He stood staring at the calendar, fighting for breath, and mentally counted backwards in his head, following the dates in front of him. Shit. Fucking hell. A week. He was only a week out from Comic Con when he’d tried to kill himself. Fuck, he’d tried to kill himself. He’d tried to end it all, and suddenly here he was, standing on the precipice of possible salvation, hope ready and able to rise again.
He was just barely aware of the glass falling from his hand and shattering on the floor, causing the dogs to bark, his knees the next to fall to the cool tile. Suddenly he was crying, in a way that he hadn’t since he was a child. Jared’s arms were around him in an instant, and he fell into them, sobs wracking his body. Everything he’d kept out, refused, and lost in the way of emotions came back to him in a flood, and he lost control, grabbing Jared and holding onto him for dear life, his hands fisted tight in the back of Jared’s shirt as he cried on his shoulder. It was loud and painful, and he couldn’t stop it even if he’d wanted to, Jared’s hands gentle on his body.
Stupid. God, he’d been so stupid. If this worked…Hell, even if it didn’t, he was practically there. Jared was right. Jared was right to have been so disappointed in him. He’d been so lost in his own thoughts and his own pain that he hadn’t even noticed how much time had passed. He hadn’t even noticed. If he hadn’t noticed, then it would’ve been so easy to wait and to try. And he was ready to die just a week shy of the day his life could possibly be saved.
“I know,” Jared’s voice whispered in his ear, comforting and familiar. “I know. I’m here. I’m here with you, all the way. I love you, Jensen.”
Jensen only cried harder, almost afraid he wouldn’t be able to stop, and held on tighter, fingers pulling on the thin material of Jared’s shirt. Jared responded in kind, holding him closer and pressing a kiss to his temple.
“I love you.”
Lucky. Jensen was so fucking lucky to have this. If it weren’t for Jared, he would’ve given up a long time ago, and he wouldn’t be here to live through this and take this chance. His heart both swelled and hurt when he thought about everything Jared had done for him. Fuck, if he really did live through this, he’d do everything he could to make up the past few months to Jared. He doubted he ever could, but he’d have to try.
He wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that on the floor of the kitchen, Jensen crying his heart out while Jared held him. He didn’t take offense when he heard Jared breathe, “Finally,” against his ear, knowing that Jared had been waiting for this. Jared had been looking for the real Jensen all week, and had finally found him, true emotions pouring out of him. They didn’t move even when the tears finally let up, finally tapering off in small, hiccupping sobs. It took a while for Jensen to finally pull back a little and lift his head off of Jared’s wet shoulder, words rolling off his lips before he could even think about them. But he didn’t really have to think about them. They were there, and they were true, and he’d known it for a while, somewhere deep inside. He just hadn’t allowed things hidden that deeply to come to the surface in a long time.
“I love you, too,” he whispered, dry and hoarse.
Jared’s hand was on his face immediately, cupping his cheek gently, thumb brushing over it to wipe away the tears. Jensen’s eyes flicked up to Jared’s, finding a shimmering plethora of emotions there, before falling to Jared’s lips, and he leaned forward, brushing his own lips against them, a tentative kiss. They had already separated before Jared responded, another light brushing of his lips on Jensen’s. And then their lips were parting, and they were making out on the kitchen floor, but it was more than that. It was months, years of things they’d felt for each other. It was regret over the time they’d wasted, apologies for everywhere they went wrong in the past few months, the fear of losing each other, and the need to have the other close by. Whatever one requested, the other gave, and it was equal in its suddenly demanding pace, lips bruising and tongues clashing.
It wasn’t until Jensen began to sag, Jared’s tongue still in his mouth, that they broke apart, panting, Jensen’s head going back to rest on Jared’s shoulder. He was drained from the toll his emotions had taken on his body, and his eyes began to close, as if he had no power over them, either. Jared gently lifted him, and they stood, swaying together, their legs numb from staying in the same position on the hard floor for too long. Jared led him into the living room and sat him down on the couch while he went back into the kitchen to clean up the glass. Once he was finished, they climbed the stairs together, Jensen leaning his exhausted body into Jared’s for support.
Jensen took out his contacts and Jared helped him undress once they made it into the bedroom, the two of them stripping down to their boxers before getting into bed. For the first time, they slept together without any tension or hurt between them, the two of them on their sides, facing each other, Jared’s chin resting above Jensen’s head, and Jensen’s head curled into his chest. For the first time in a long time, Jensen felt alive, and he tangled his legs together with Jared’s, welcoming the feel of Jared’s arm wrapping around his body.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jensen woke to Jared slapping at the alarm clock before wrapping him up in his arms again, and snuggled closer before lifting his head to look up at Jared. Jared kissed his forehead, and Jensen reached up to press their lips together. It happened just like the night before, starting light and innocent, and becoming something much more, mouths opening and tongues stroking inside. They were waking up into it, their bodies coming alive, Jensen amazed at feeling a fire inside he hadn’t been able to feel since that failed attempt in the airplane bathroom.
Tomorrow. All they had to do was get through today, and then tomorrow it could be over. They had no way of knowing which way it would go, only the hope that it would go the way they wanted it to. They’d wasted so much time, and it was possible they had very little left. Jensen’s leg was wedged between Jared’s, and he deliberately rubbed it against Jared’s crotch, thrilled by the twitch and bulge he felt there and the way Jared moaned into his mouth, as if he’d been wanting this for centuries. His own cock lifted in response, and he pushed Jared over, never breaking the kiss as he rolled on top of him, hips rolling down against Jared’s.
Twin gasps and moans were heard as their clothed erections touched and rubbed together, and Jensen’s hips were rolling again before he could stop them, Jared’s legs opening around him. Jared lifted his own hips to press up against him, and the mood was suddenly frantic, Jensen thrusting down hard against Jared, and Jared rising to meet him. Jensen bit down on Jared’s bottom lip before pulling away from the kiss, lifting and bracing himself on his arms, palms planted on either side of Jared’s body, grunting and grinding hard against Jared. Jared gasped and gripped Jensen’s arms, still doing his best to meet all of Jensen’s downward thrusts. Jensen wanted more, and he was sure that they both did, more than just dry humping, craving the feel of skin on skin. All it would take was a hand shoved beneath a waistband. But they were too desperate and rushed to care, and Jensen moved faster, harder, head thrown back on a moan that he heard Jared echo beneath him.
“Jensen,” Jared groaned, hips jerking every so often as he gave up on trying to meet every thrust, Jensen driving hard against him, pressing him down into the mattress. “Jense-OH! God…”
Jared arched beneath him, eyes fluttering closed and mouth falling open, and Jensen felt it happen, felt the twitch of Jared’s cock and the spread of warm wetness through the material of their boxers.
“Fuck,” Jensen cursed, his voice strained, and his hips snapped forward, his entire body tensing and shaking as he came on an elongated groan, fucking himself through it, Jared moaning helplessly below him.
He fell onto Jared when he finished, sticky and wet inside his boxers, and Jesus, he hadn’t come like that in so long, he’d almost forgotten what it was like.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Shower,” Jared said, and kissed the top of Jensen’s head, his breathing finally back under control. Jensen groaned and rolled off of him, getting out of bed, and Jared followed, the two of them heading into the bathroom together. “Ugh.” Jared pulled his boxers off, the material and his dick covered in sticky white, and let them drop to the floor. “Thanks a lot, Jensen.”
“You fucking loved it,” Jensen replied with a smirk, removing his own sullied boxers.
They looked at each other, eyes roaming, and then Jared came forward, planting a kiss on Jensen’s lips. They were ribbing each other again, and it made Jared want to laugh and cry at the same time. His plan for tomorrow had to work. It couldn’t end this way. It wouldn’t be fair if it did.
“How close are they?” he asked quietly, his hands resting on Jensen’s arms. Jensen hesitated before responding.
“Closer. Always closer.” Jared’s heart hurt.
“One more day,” he said, lips against Jensen’s. “Just one more day.”
“One more day,” Jensen agreed, gripping his wrist and leading him into the shower, turning the water on.
Jared was too easily reminded of the last time he’d been in the shower with Jensen, and Jensen knew it, had to, kissing him and cleaning him gently. They washed each other off, Jensen using Jared’s soap and shampoo for once, and Jared went for the towels when they were finished. He kept his eyes locked with Jensen’s as he dried him off, the sentiment completely different from the last time, and Jensen’s eyes were both pained and thankful, both of them trying to replace bad memories with good ones.
Once on set, they were handed the scripts for the next episode, and Jared prayed that there would be a next episode. They hung out in Jared’s trailer, waiting to be called in for hair and makeup, Jensen idly flipping through the script pages.
“Oh, great,” Jensen moaned, and Jared turned to him and saw a playful smirk on Jensen’s face, the script held up in his left hand. “I can’t wait to hear all the,” Jensen used his right hand to make a few masturbatory gestures, complete with *fapfapfap* noises, “about this one. You have one line, and then you’re gone for the rest of the episode. One word, to be exact. Sam fans are gonna have my head on a platter.”
“They’ll get over it,” Jared shrugged, laughing. He fidgeted in his seat, Jensen’s noisy miming eliciting more than one reaction in his body, and he knew that Jensen noticed, catching him suppressing a grin.
“Dude…You don’t mind it, do you?” Jensen asked, his expression turning to concern.
“Of course not!” Jared scoffed. “Are you kidding me? I could use the time off.” Jensen gave him a look that he didn’t recognize, and he suddenly feared he’d said something wrong. “Man…I didn’t just say that because of what’s been going on with you...”
“No, I know,” Jensen said quickly. “It’s okay, I know what you meant. Hell, even if our lives were normal right now, a vacation from this kind of schedule would be fantastic.”
“Wanna make out?” Jared asked after a brief moment of silence, fidgeting again, and Jensen laughed at him.
“Is it really that easy to get you riled?” Jared grabbed Jensen’s hand and placed it over his crotch, and Jensen nodded thoughtfully. “So it is. Shouldn’t we be running lines or somethi-”
Jared cut him off with a kiss, tired of the game they were playing. He knew they needed it, needed to at least try to keep the mood light, but he was still too anxious, and he knew that Jensen was, too, opening up to Jared’s kiss like he’d been starving for it. It was days like this that made Jared wonder how they even did it. Here they were, trying desperately to keep Jensen’s death at bay, time running out, and in a short while they’d be on set, running around with the shapeshifter version of a 1930s Dracula. He stopped thinking about it when Jensen’s tongue thrust its way into his mouth, Jensen’s hand forcing its way down the front of his pants. And of course it was that moment when a knock came on the door, and they had to separate, reluctantly heading out to get prettied up for the cameras.
That night found them clinging to each other in bed, neither of them bothering to even attempt sleep. It was a similar position to the night before, Jensen curled into Jared, who wrapped protective arms around him.
“I’m scared,” Jensen breathed against Jared’s chest, and Jared could feel him trembling. “I’m so fucking scared, Jared. I feel like I’m gonna be sick.”
“I know,” Jared said, holding Jensen tighter, his own stomach churning. He didn’t know what else to say. He couldn’t promise anything, and he couldn’t comfort Jensen any more than he already had, knowing what the consequences of his plan failing were.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jensen froze when he stepped out into the hallway, the Hellhound mere inches away from him now. Jared came up behind him, arms wrapping around his waist.
“What’s wrong?”
Jensen couldn’t answer, just bolted to the bathroom, bile rising in his throat, and he gagged over the toilet, Jared seconds behind him, rubbing his back. Jensen’s eyes began to tear from the burn when the bile forced its way up and out, and he began wondering if he could even make it through Comic Con. But he had to. If there was a chance it could work, he had to.
The flight to Australia paled in comparison to the one they took that day, and Jensen kept his eyes closed the entire time, pretending to nap. He heard the flight attendant ask Jared if he was feeling okay, and knew that his sweating and trembling was noticeable, Jared telling her that he’d be fine, but could they please have a blanket? Soft material covered Jensen moments later, Jared’s hand sneaking beneath it to grab Jensen’s own, linking their fingers together. Jensen squeezed in thanks, and he heard Jared whisper a, “Hang in there,” beneath the terrifying growl he could hear from the aisle.
They somehow managed to find themselves alone in a bathroom before their panel at Comic Con began, and they held each other close, Jared kissing Jensen deeply.
“We can do this,” Jared said, pulling away. “We’ve made it this far. You’ve made it this far.”
“I don’t want you to leave,” Jensen replied, aware of how pathetic he sounded, and how conflicted he felt. He wanted Jared with him, next to him for the rest of the day, but he also didn’t want to put Jared in danger, remembering his nightmare. But they had to separate after this, holding separate interviews, and Jared promoting his movie.
“I know. I don’t want to leave you. I’m sorry,” Jared apologized. “But we can do this. I’ll find you after, and we’ll go back home, okay?”
Jensen nodded, and they headed for their panel. It was tense, and it was awkward, but they tried. Jensen tried. He tried to smile, tried to laugh, and tried to make jokes when he knew he should. But he had trouble with it, couldn’t make Jensen Two appear like he used to be able to. He was too scared, his hands shaking beneath the table, nearly jumping out of his skin when Jared reached down and grabbed his hand, holding it. He knew they seemed forced, their usual banter not showing up as much and not working as well when it did. But he still did his job, still answered questions he was asked, still chased the Ghostfacers away, and still talked briefly with a fan who came to see him up close. He wasn’t sure how he did it, and he wasn’t sure whether or not to be relieved when it was over.
He’d reached the worst part of this, waiting around to see if the plan had worked. He was losing his mind, a Hellhound nipping at the air by his fingers as he walked, and he was so close to being sick again until he saw Jared. He had to hold himself back, keep himself from bursting into tears or screaming out loud, and Jared knew it, grinning widely and wrapping an arm around him in a gesture that would look like a friendly greeting to anyone else.
The flight home was more than Jensen could handle, the Hellhound actually snapping at him from the aisle, causing him to cry out in fear. Jared grabbed him and held him close, somehow explaining the incident away to the flight attendant, but Jensen wasn’t listening. He felt himself beginning to hyperventilate, and Jared soothed him, rubbing his chest and whispering in his ear.
“We’ll be home soon. We’ll get you in the bedroom, and you’ll be safer. Just hang on. Hang on.”
Jensen ran to the bedroom when they got home, leaving Jared to take care of the dogs and grab the laptop. He couldn’t stop shaking, couldn’t help the few tears that escaped his eyes. He didn’t want to die, not like this. He didn’t deserve it, and the thought that he might end up in Hell had him curling up on the bed in a fetal position, hands clutching at his stomach.
“Ten thousand hits,” Jensen heard Jared say, feeling the bed dip when Jared sat on it. He turned slightly and saw Jared setting the laptop down on the bed, as well. “Sam mentioned ten thousand web surfers in Hell House. I’m guessing that’s what we need.” Jared’s silence afterwards told Jensen that they hadn’t reached that number yet.
“Oh, God.” Jensen turned away, curling in on himself even more, his head in his hands, and Jared reached for him, curling up behind him and kissing the back of his neck.
“It can still happen, alright? People are posting shit already. The hits will rise.”
“What if they don’t?” Jensen choked out. “What if this still doesn’t work?”
“Then I’m sorry,” Jared said, and Jensen could hear the tears in his voice. “I’m so fucking sorry, Jensen. I love you.”
Jensen turned over and leaned in for a desperate, sloppy kiss, his panic making him uncoordinated in his attempts. They spent the next few hours watching the hits on the fansite Jensen had pointed out over a month ago rise, Jared constantly telling him how much closer they were than before, his hands and mouth always somewhere on Jensen’s skin. Jensen wanted to say something, tons of things. He wanted to tell Jared everything he’d ever thought and felt about him, wanted to ask him to tell his family he loved them, wanted so much to speak all those last words he felt he was supposed to say. But all those words caught in his throat, and he had to concentrate enough on breathing, let alone talking. He just hoped Jared knew how much he meant to him, that he shouldn’t blame himself if he couldn’t save Jensen, and that Jensen would’ve been lost without him. Jensen gripped Jared tighter as another hour ticked away. Jesus, things couldn’t end this way. They just couldn’t.
And that’s when Jensen heard it, Jared seemingly unaware. He heard the sound of it hit the floor, and his blood ran cold, feeling on the border of hysteria. He forced himself to look, to see it, see the Devil’s Shoestring on the floor. He sobbed, grabbing Jared and kissing him, wishing his heart would just burst in his chest the way it felt like it would any moment now, instead of having to die the way he was about to.
“I love you.”
“Jensen?” Jared asked, alarmed. “Wha-”
The door slammed open, and Jensen felt his pulse racing at the sight of the Hellhound rushing the circle of dust with a menacing growl, fear and adrenaline coursing through his veins. But he wouldn’t make the same mistake he had in his dreams.
“Jared, you have to go,” he said hurriedly, and Jared looked in horror at the thinning circle, the dust blowing wildly around the room, and turned back to Jensen, shaking his head, tears flowing freely down his cheeks, looking too much like Sam did in the season finale.
“No,” Jared leaned over and reached for him, grabbing his arm. “No, I’m not leaving you. I can’t.”
“Jared, you have to!” Jensen insisted, pushing Jared away, eyeing the thin line that remained around the bed, blood pounding in his ears with the vibrations of the growl resonating around the room. “You promised!”
“I don’t care!” Jared shouted, coming back and gripping him harder, blocking his line of vision. “I won’t leave you here like this!”
Jensen was shaking his head so fast he felt dizzy and sick, images of Jared shredded and bloody on the bed swimming before his eyes. He sobbed again, pulling out of Jared’s grasp and taking him in his own, using all of the strength he could muster to shove Jared off the side of the bed and out of the way, hearing a thud as Jared hit the floor.
“JENSEN!”
Jensen cried and shook, gasping for breath, and turned back to look at the Hellhound and the dust, the circle breaking before his eyes. Demonic eyes and deadly teeth and claws were hurtling towards him, and he fell back, a scream tearing itself from his throat as he lifted his arm and covered his face, Jared’s anguished, “NO!” sounding from somewhere beyond the growl that came from above him, a burst of hot air accompanying it; the breath of a Hellhound. He heard a tearing sound, closing his eyes and feeling the pain almost before it began.
“JENSEN!”
For a moment, he thought he was dead already, and wondered how it was possible for it to have been over so quickly. It was quiet; too quiet.
“Jensen?!”
Jared? Where was he?
“Jensen?”
Something touched his arm, lowering it. He flinched and kept his eyes closed, squeezing them shut, afraid of what he’d see. What if this was Hell? What if he opened his eyes and saw Jared the way he had in his nightmare, calling out to him?
“Jensen,” Jared pleaded, sniffling, “Open your eyes. Open your eyes.”
Jensen did so slowly, eyelids lifting little by little, eventually taking in the sight of Jared leaning over him, a tentative smile tugging at the corners of Jared’s lips. He stared, confused, and flinched again when one of Jared’s tears fell onto his own cheek.
“You’re alive,” Jared told him, barely able to speak. “Jensen, you’re alive.”
“Jared?” Jensen rasped, slowly becoming aware of the feeling of oxygen filling his lungs, of tears drying on his cheeks, his chest rising and falling, and his heart beating steadily in his chest. Realization began to dawn, his heartbeat speeding up a bit as his eyes widened. “Jared?” he asked, his voice rising a notch. He sat bolt upright when Jared nodded, Jared moving out of his way so he could look around the room.
“Is it gone?” Jared asked quietly, his tone anxious and hopeful.
Jensen stared at the broken circle, the dust scattered around the room, the Devil’s Shoestring on the floor, and he listened intently, watching for any sign of something he’d missed. But there was nothing. There was no whine, no growl, no demonic eyes, and no flash of black. He grabbed for the laptop, clicking to refresh the fansite with shaky fingers. It took him a few moments of staring at the number of hits to realize they’d reached just over ten thousand, the digits not making any sense to him at first. He lifted a hand to his chest, gasping in surprise when his fingers reached through a tear in his shirt just over his heart. He looked down, staring at a scrape that hadn’t quite broken the skin, a few of the beads on his necklace broken open, the contents inside spilling out. He was in a daze, his brain still playing catch-up, and he turned around to face Jared, who stared back at him with wide eyes.
“It’s gone,” he heard himself saying, his voice holding a certain sense of wonder, and Jared’s face lit up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“It worked,” Jared said, feeling the grin spreading on his face. “It worked!” He clapped his hands together and laughed loudly, bouncing slightly on the mattress, so happy he thought he might explode. “We fucking made it!” He grabbed Jensen and shook him, still laughing, and trying to pull the other man out of his daze. “Jensen, you’re alive! It’s OVER!”
Jensen’s wide, shocked eyes focused on his, and he immediately brought their lips together, kissing Jensen softly, both of them kneeling on the bed. It took a moment for Jensen to respond, his lips slack against Jared’s, and then Jensen suddenly came alive, pushing forward into Jared and grabbing at him. Their lips clashed as they panted, hands pulling at each other’s bodies. Jared fit his hand between them, into the opening clawed through Jensen’s shirt, running his fingertips over the scrape above Jensen’s heart, and Jensen’s hands fisted in his hair, pulling him closer, moaning into his mouth.
Jared’s hand skimmed over warm skin and gripped the jagged edge of the tear in Jensen’s shirt, pulling and tearing it the rest of the way, Jensen’s front exposed. Jensen broke away, shucking the torn shirt easily, then returned, hungrily seeking Jared’s mouth again. Jared joined in the heated kiss, his tongue flicking against Jensen’s, his hands automatically moving to fumble with Jensen’s belt, surging forward when it fell open. Jensen kept moving closer into him, kept mouthing at his skin, biting at his lips, hands in his hair.
It was a rush to get Jensen’s jeans open and push them down and out of the way along with Jensen’s boxers, Jared’s hand immediately wrapping around Jensen’s cock, already hard. It was amazing, hearing Jensen’s startled gasp in his ear as his body surged against him, feeling Jensen hot, heavy, alive and throbbing in his hand. He moved his hand up and down the shaft experimentally, and Jensen’s hands fell to his back, gripping his shirt, Jensen whimpering against his shoulder. Jared looked down between them, feeling his own cock jerk in the confines of his clothes when he took in the sight of Jensen, full and flushed in his hand. He watched as he gave Jensen another stroke, twisting his wrist, and saw pre-come appear the tip, glistening and wet. Jensen was already moaning when Jared swiped at it with his thumb, fisting Jensen’s cock eagerly now, twisting his wrist on every upstroke.
Jensen lifted his head from Jared’s shoulder, breathing heavily, and caught Jared’s lips in a quick, dirty kiss. Jared watched when Jensen pulled away, watched when the color deepened in his cheeks, his mouth falling open as he moaned helplessly, eyes squeezing shut in pleasure. Jensen’s hands were on his shoulders now, gripping for support, and Jared hissed when that grip grew tighter, knowing he’d have bruises there later. Jared tightened his own grip, and Jensen fell into him again, head on his shoulder, whimpering softly.
He felt it starting, Jensen swelling and stiffening even more in Jared’s hand, his voice growing louder in Jared’s ear, and Jared’s mouth fell open in silent sympathy with Jensen’s heightened ecstasy, his own dick begging for attention. And then Jensen was shaking and pulsing, his come shooting out between their bodies. Jared felt it flowing over his hand, saw it catch on his shirt, Jensen’s skin. Jensen finished and sagged against him, and Jared rushed to get his own belt and pants undone, pulling his dick out and stroking it, Jensen’s warm come on his hand easing the way.
“Jare,” Jensen slurred, reaching down for him. But Jared was already close, so close, after making Jensen fall apart in his arms, and it only took him a few more frantic strokes to come, making even more of a mess between them.
Jensen pushed, and Jared fell backwards onto the mattress, straightening his legs out as he fell. He looked up, surprised to see Jensen up and moving, watching him take his clothes off the rest of the way and toss them on the floor. Jared smiled gratefully as Jensen undressed him, then grabbed for the torn shirt, cleaning them both off with it, moving the laptop, and climbing back into bed.
“Would’ve helped you,” Jensen said tiredly, kissing Jared and laying down on top of him.
“Mmm,” Jared wrapped his arms around Jensen, sighing happily. He’d never been happier, never felt as euphoric as he did right now. “You already did. I got most of the way there just getting you there.”
“Jared?” Jensen asked, and Jared knew there was something wrong just from the sound of Jensen’s voice. They should both be excited and relieved and celebrating right now, and Jensen suddenly sounded so damn scared again. “Tell me this is real.”
“It’s real, Jensen,” Jared soothed, his fingertips running up and down Jensen’s spine. “It’s all over. You’re safe now. This is real.”
“I’m sorry,” Jensen apologized. “I know I should be happy, and I am. It’s just…after all this time of trying to figure out what’s real and what’s not, and all this stuff going on in my head…”
“It’s okay,” Jared said when Jensen paused. “Just because it’s over, that doesn’t mean you’re gonna just snap back to normal. This shit was intense, man. It really fucked you up. That doesn’t just go away. But you’ll get better. I’ll help you.”
“I’m just scared,” Jensen admitted. “I’m afraid that if I go to sleep tonight, when I wake up, this will all be gone; like it’s all some kind of trick. We spent all this time trying to make it to today, and now I’m afraid of what’ll happen tomorrow. I’ve lost so much since all of this started, and I don’t want this taken away from me, too.”
Jared was silent. He didn’t know what to say to that. There was no way to ease that fear in Jensen. The only possible solution to the problem was Jensen just getting over his fear and going to sleep, waking up to his new life the next day. Jared suddenly felt tired himself, and it surprised him. A few minutes ago, he thought he’d be up all night celebrating. But then he realized they’d made it through 43 days. They’d gone through 43 days of worrying and suffering and pain, and he could feel it like an ache in his body. The relief that it was over now was giving way to exhaustion. He knew there would still be things they’d have to deal with, as Jensen wasn’t completely stable yet, and probably wouldn’t be for a while. He knew that things couldn’t just suddenly be sunshine and rainbows, and that the things Jensen had done would come back to haunt him, too. But they could deal with it. If they’d just dealt with the last 43 days, they could deal with any problems that were leftover.
“Sleep, Jensen,” Jared said tiredly, rolling Jensen off of him and grabbing for Jensen’s contacts case. Jensen hesitantly accepted it and removed his contacts, placing the case back on the nightstand, blinking up at Jared from where he lay on his back. “It’s over,” Jared repeated, kissing Jensen lightly on the lips and laying on top of him, head resting on his chest. “Just sleep.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jensen woke up to the sound of the alarm clock and reached his hand out, smacking at it until it stopped making that incessant fucking beeping sound. He heard a small, “Mmm,” from below him, and felt arms wrapping around him, lips pressing to his chest. He immediately grabbed his glasses and slid them on, opening his eyes and lifting his head to look down at Jared; Jared, wrapped around him and grinning up at him.
“Morning,” Jared chuckled, and Jensen’s heart leapt in his chest. “Yeah,” Jared said, and Jensen guessed he was responding to the big goofy grin that was probably gracing his own face now, too. “This is real.”
Before Jensen could respond, he heard jingling, and both of them turned their heads to the doorway, Sadie and Harley charging in. Harley jumped onto the bed, using his body to knock Jared off of Jensen and settle over him himself. For a split-second, Jensen almost screamed, a reflex from having Hellhounds jumping at him for months, now. But then he felt a warm tongue sliding repeatedly over his face, and he heard Sadie barking, and Jared shouting at Harley and laughing. Joy was suddenly bursting through him, and he laughed and squirmed under Harley, reaching up to pat and scratch the big dog.
“Harley, that’s enough!” And suddenly Jared was above him again, pushing Harley out of the way, the dog responding with an unhappy grunt. Jared shook his head at Harley and laughed. “Little brat.” He turned back to Jensen. “You okay?”
“Yeah!” Jensen answered, laughing breathlessly and patting the bed. “Where’s your girl?”
He sat up as Sadie bounded onto the mattress, tail wagging, and he laughed and scratched her behind the ears. He’d missed this, having the dogs actually respond to him with more than just a growl and running away. It made him feel alive and normal again, just like waking up with Jared wrapped around him, even though that was pretty new to them both. Jared eventually shooed the dogs away and came up behind Jensen, kissing his neck, erection pressed up against his backside, and Jensen groaned.
“Are you happy now?” Jared whispered in his ear, nipping the lobe.
“Yeah,” Jensen breathed, half hard and leaning back onto Jared, smiling. “But we have to get ready for work.”
“Fuck you!” Jared playfully shoved Jensen forward, and Jensen fell onto the bed laughing. Jared fell on top of him, and suddenly they were wrestling, laughing and breathless, stopping every so often to steal kisses and rut against each other, always fighting for the upper hand. They eventually fell off the bed, Jared landing on top of Jensen.
“Fucking giant,” Jensen grunted, still smiling, even with the wind knocked out of him. Jared looked at him and smiled, hair hanging in his face, and bent down to kiss him. They were still making out, naked and hard and moaning, when Jensen heard a beep from out front. “Shit!” Jensen cursed, laughing when he swore he heard Jared growl.
Chapter 8: Vacations and Confessions
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-11-20 09:49 pm (UTC)The last couple of lines had me grinning like an idiot, it was cute!
I'm going to read the other two chapters tomorrow.
no subject
Date: 2008-11-21 04:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-21 09:29 pm (UTC)They made it, God I can feel myself relaxing, they made it, Jensen made it!!
I think I kinda knew what was going to happen, that you were going to leave to the very last second, but that didn't stop my heart from pounding and then me getting all excited cause... they made it!!!!
*bounces*
I know it's probably going to be a tough road back to normal, and everything they've been through is going to be a permanent fixture in their lives, but at least they've gotten something out of it all. Each other!!
Fucking amazing chapter, really loved it.
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2008-11-22 12:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-22 09:57 am (UTC)My God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I´m SO fucking happy!!!! Actually Jensen is RIGHT, no hellhound around him!!! yeahhhhhh, and now it´s a Jared around him!!!!! yeah yeah!!!!
*KSSSSS*
no subject
Date: 2008-11-23 05:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-23 04:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-23 08:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-24 09:33 pm (UTC)Cat
no subject
Date: 2008-11-25 05:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-04 02:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-04 04:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-13 08:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-10 06:40 am (UTC)Thanks for writing this and sharing.
no subject
Date: 2010-03-15 06:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-05 12:44 pm (UTC)