Forty-Three Days (8/9)
Nov. 19th, 2008 10:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
timehasa_wayChapter 1: Sound and Vision
Chapter 2: Blood and Dust
Chapter 3: Cereal and Stitches
Chapter 4: Breakfast and Bathrooms
Chapter 5: Doctors and Bracelets
Chapter 6: Words and Knives
Chapter 7: Showers and Dates
Chapter 8: Vacations and Confessions
“It’s all his fault,” was all Jensen told everybody whenever someone was chewing them out for being late, pointing towards Jared. “He takes forever to get ready in the morning.” They seemed to be forgiven pretty quickly, and Jensen figured it was because both of them were in such good moods. It was like a fog had been lifted from the set, and it felt like family again.
But halfway through the day, Jensen’s mood changed. Well, it didn’t change completely. He was okay. He was happy. He was alive. But Jared had finished filming his less-than-a-minute scene early, and was still hanging around on set, watching Jensen work. Jensen couldn’t help but feel that there was something wrong about that. He knew Jared was relieved and happy now, too, but he also knew that Jared was tired. He could still see in Jared’s face, the way he carried himself, even after the joyful morning they’d had. He’d counted the days on Jared’s calendar that morning, and found that they’d managed to survive 43 days together.
For 43 days, Jared had been worked to the bone. For 43 days, Jared had taken care of Jensen, the dogs, and himself, also keeping Sam Winchester in his head so he could whip him out when needed. Jensen knew the past few months had messed him up, and he was still dealing with the after effects. But he hadn’t realized how much everything had affected Jared. He’d been too selfish to. Jared had carried them both for 43 days and never once complained about it, even though Jensen had driven him to seek professional help. Shit, Jensen had tried to kill himself the night of Jared’s birthday. And now Jared was still here, watching him and worrying about him, making sure he was okay.
Jensen wasn’t sure how he’d managed it, but he’d been able to find some time to himself while on set, making a few phone calls and feeling anxious and excited at the same time. Later on, during a break, he grabbed Jared and headed for his trailer, finding himself pressed up against the wall as soon as the door closed, Jared’s lips on his.
“Been wanting to do that all day,” Jared said, smiling. “You’re kicking ass out there. You feeling okay still?”
Jensen had to keep himself from frowning at those words, opting instead to kiss Jared again, making it good, rough and thrusting his tongue in and out of Jared’s mouth.
“Fuck, Jen,” was all Jared managed to say afterwards, and Jensen smiled at him, pushing him further into the trailer and into a seat.
“Wanna do somethin’ for you, Jay,” he said, standing in front of Jared awkwardly, hands shoved in the pockets of Dean’s leather jacket.
“If it involves my dick, you have my wholehearted approval.” Jensen laughed as Jared grinned wickedly.
“Sorry.” Jared pouted, and Jensen rolled his eyes. “Look, your dick can wait!”
“My dick disagrees.”
“Well, unless your dick can speak, then it has no say in the matter.”
“Maybe you’re just not listening hard enough,” Jared replied, chin high in the air.
“Enough, dude!” Jensen said, laughing again. He cleared his throat, trying to be serious, and he saw how that instantly made Jared sit up straighter, the laughter draining from his face.
“What is it?” Jared asked quickly. “What’s wrong?”
“Jay,” Jensen said affectionately, smiling sadly. “That’s what’s wrong.” Jared face scrunched up in confusion, and Jensen sighed. “You need a break, Jared.”
“What are you talking about, dude?” Jared chuckled and shrugged. “I’m fucking on a break. I don’t have any scenes this week.”
“That’s my point. You have a break from work, and you’re still here.” Jensen held up a hand when Jared’s expressions began to change from confused to hurt. “Dude. Hear me out. I’m not saying I don’t want you around, because I do. I love you, and you know that. But you need a break, man. A real one. You need to get away from all this, from the set, from the house, from me.”
“Why are you saying this?” Jared stood, staring down at him in concern. “Why would you think I need a break from you? Are you still depressed?”
“No!” Jensen protested, a little too loudly, and then sighed. “Look, it’s like you said, things aren’t just gonna go away for me. I have to work through what I’ve dealt with. But this isn’t about me Jared. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. This is about you. And why wouldn’t you need a break from me? No,” he cut Jared off when Jared opened his mouth to speak, and felt bad when Jared looked offended. “Look, you don’t have to tell me, alright? You don’t have to tell me you love me. I already know that. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t even be here right now. But Jared, it’s not a crime. You can love someone and still need to get away every once in a while. It’s okay for you to just stop for a little while.”
“Stop what?” Jared said quietly, clearly blindsided and bewildered.
“Stop worrying!” Jensen answered. “Stop taking care of everything and carrying that weight around on your shoulders. And I put that weight there, I know that. But I wanna help you take it off. I know you’re concerned about me, and I’m grateful. I am. But I’ve done nothing to help you during all of this, and I want to start making up for it.”
“You don’t have t-”
“I booked you a flight to Hawaii.” Jared stopped and stared at Jensen in shock, actually taking a step back. “I made a few phone calls earlier, “Jensen continued. “I got you a flight, and I found you one of those cottages on one of the islands.” Jared sat back down, still stunned. “Should be nice,” Jensen tried, smiling a little. “It’s more of a retreat than one of the hotels, you know? I was lucky it was still open. I just wanted you to be able to get away and relax. I figured we always joke about filming in Hawaii, so…”
“When am I supposed to leave?” Jared asked flatly, after Jensen trailed off.
“In the morning,” Jensen answered, and felt butterflies in his stomach when Jared closed his eyes and took a deep breath, body tense. “Early.” He sat down next to Jared cautiously, leaving a bit of space between them. “Are you mad at me?”
“No,” Jared said sadly, and Jensen wished he could take that tone out of Jared’s voice and replace it with something better. “I’m just confused. I mean, I don’t understand it. We just got through all of this together, and now you’re sending me away?”
“No…That’s not…Jared,” Jensen stuttered, Jared’s suddenly glassy eyes making his heart clench. “I told you, it’s not that I don’t want you here. I just…I thought it would be nice,” he said lamely, shrugging. “I wanted you to have a vacation; the one you didn’t get to have when I called you to Vancouver. I just wanna give something back, Jared. That’s all. Shit,” he cursed, suddenly realizing something that made his stomach hurt and rubbing a hand over his face.
“What?”
“You know I haven’t even thanked you yet?” he said, looking back at Jared with a pained expression. “The only reason I’m even sitting here right now is because of you, and I haven’t even thanked you,” his voice broke unexpectedly, and he looked away. “Not once.” Jared was leaning into him then, arms wrapping around him, and Jensen turned and hugged him back. “You saved my life, Jared. Everything you did, everything you planned, kept me alive.” He closed his eyes, knowing he had to say it, but the words sounded so stupid to him now; two little words that could never possibly be enough for what Jared had done. “Thank you.”
“Anytime,” Jared said, tightening his hold before pulling away.
“Take the vacation?” Jensen pleaded, suddenly feeling tired again. “Please. Let me do this for you. Go to Hawaii, relax, and drink tropical girl drinks that I’ll make fun of you for when you come back.” Jared laughed, but still looked doubtful.
“What about you?” Jared asked. “You’re still just gonna go to work and be Dean Winchester, like nothing ever happened? Jensen, you…you tried…” Jared trailed off and looked at Jensen, not having to finish that thought in order for Jensen to know what he was talking about. “I don’t know if I can just leave you here alone like that.”
“Well,” Jensen started, “For one thing, I think this episode will help me, in a way. Might sound weird, but it’s pretty heavy, and I have some emotional scenes. I’m actually looking forward to getting into it more. I think it might be therapeutic. And for another, I thought you might be worried about leaving me here by myself.”
“And?” Jared prompted.
“And,” Jensen continued, “I thought I could call my parents.” Jared cocked his head and gave him a surprised look, as if he wasn’t expecting Jensen to be ready for that. “I want this to be over, Jared,” Jensen explained. “I don’t want to stay messed up forever. I’m trying. And my parents…I haven’t talked to them, or given them any kind of explanation…I miss my family, Jared. And I figured that, if I called my parents and had them fly in while you were gone, they could stay with me, at the house. They could have the bed, and I’d take the couch, until you got back. If that’s okay?” Jared sighed.
“You’ve really put a lot of thought into this, haven’t you?” Jensen nodded, and Jared leaned forward and kissed him. “Okay. I’ll go. I’ll go, and I’ll try to relax, and let you get caught up with your parents. You should. I think it’ll be good for you.”
“It will,” Jensen agreed, smiling, even though he still felt nervous. “I think we’ll both feel a lot better by the time you come back home.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jared boarded his flight, knowing that Jensen would be staying at the airport to pick up his parents before going to work, and still feeling bad about leaving. He almost changed his mind and got off the plane a million times, worried about what might happen if he really left. But, eventually, he was thousands of feet in the air, no turning back, and he prayed that he’d made the right decision to agree to this. He turned his phone on as soon as the plane landed, immediately checking his voicemail and breathing a sigh of relief when he heard Jensen’s voice.
“Hey, Jared, it’s me. Just letting you know my parents got in safely. They say hi, by the way.”
“Hi, Jared!”
Jared smiled. Mama Ackles was awesome.
“Anyway, I hope your flight went well. Call me, or text me, or something. Let me know you got in okay.”
There was a pause, and Jared immediately recognized the unspoken, “I love you, and I’m fine; quit worrying,” in the silence.
“Have a nice vacation. I’ll just be back here, you know, working. Talk to you later, man.”
Jared took a deep, cleansing breath, suddenly feeling better about this. Jensen was okay, spending time with his family. He sent a quick text, knowing Jensen was probably busy, telling Jensen he’d made it. With that, he went to collect his luggage and head for the cottage Jensen had booked for him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It had been emotional. Jensen knew it would be. He couldn’t help but feel he’d been a shitty son, leaving his mother worrying about him all this time. He hoped both of his parents would forgive him for it. They’d sounded eager enough to see him on the phone. He waited with a bouquet of flowers in his hand, just incase. And even though he’d been looking, they’d found him before he found them, his mother’s voice suddenly sounding from behind him.
“Jensen!” He turned, and found her reaching out for him with tears in her eyes, and immediately bent to hug her. “Oh, sweetie,” she whispered, squeezing him tightly, and he closed his eyes and swallowed against the break in her voice.
“Don’t cry, Mama,” he whispered, kissing her cheek. He looked up and caught his father’s eye before feeling another pair of arms reaching around both him and his mother. “Dad,” he acknowledged, letting the feeling wash over him. For a brief moment, he felt his somewhat abandoned self-hatred return, wondering how the hell he could have denied his family this for so long. But he let it pass, forced it away, told himself he’d had no choice, and knew that to be true. He was fixing it now. Everything would be okay. “These are for you,” he said when the hug broke apart, holding the flowers out to his mother.
She accepted them gratefully, smiling and placing a hand on his cheek. Everything would be okay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jared stood out on the porch of his cottage, breathing in the warm, fresh air, a light breeze blowing through his hair. It was quiet and peaceful, beautiful scenery all around him. He was already beginning to think Jensen was right about this. Part of him still worried, still wanted to call or text Jensen every half an hour or so to make sure he was okay. But he was learning to restrain himself a bit and relax a little more. Besides, Jensen wasn’t alone.
He went back inside and collapsed on the incredibly soft mattress in the bedroom. He was in Hawaii, but he’d be completely content just sleeping for the entire week. And hey, Jensen had told him to relax, right? His phone jingled on his hip, and he grabbed it and flipped it open to read the text Jensen had sent him.
Where’d you hide the silverware? Mama’s talkin bout cookin tonight.
Shit. Jared had forgotten all about that. The question brought back harsh memories of Jensen’s suicide attempt, and he took a minute to answer, thinking hard. Would Jensen still lie to him, even now? After all that had happened, could Jensen still be depressed enough to try again? It all came down to trust, and it bothered him that he had to take this much time to think about whether or not he trusted Jensen.
This was hard; harder than he’d thought it would be. He couldn’t help but fear the worst. If he told Jensen where he’d hidden everything, and then Jensen hurt himself, it would be his fault. He’d have to explain to Jensen’s parents how he’d been dumb enough to put a knife in a suicidal Jensen’s hands. Then again, he’d already gone and allowed himself to take this vacation Jensen had set up for him in Hawaii. He’d already allowed Jensen to start taking his life back into his own hands. This was just one more step. Jensen said he didn’t want to be messed up forever. Jensen wanted his life back. He needed it, deserved it, after what he’d been through. Jared finally broke down and texted Jensen back with the answer, quick to add an, “I love you,” to the end of the message.
I love you, too. Stop worrying. I’m okay.
Then, a minute later,
Thank you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was inevitable. Eventually, Jensen would have to talk about it. He’d promised to when he’d called his parents on the phone. He thought he was ready, but his stomach still churned whenever he thought about it. And yet, here he was, late at night, sitting in the living room with his parents, the dogs happy and content on the floor, his mouth going dry whenever he thought about dropping the bomb.
He’d told himself that he wouldn’t lie anymore; not about things he didn’t have to. The end of his ordeal hadn’t completely fixed him, but he knew that what he’d been doing had to stop. All his lies of the past few months had only ruined him. His relationships had suffered, some ending, he’d hurt Jared, and he’d gotten himself so caught up in his own web that he’d nearly killed himself, which was obviously the greatest mistake he’d ever made in his life. He needed to fix things, to surround himself with friends and family again, repair his life. And, in order to do that, he had to be as honest as he could be, especially with his parents. But he knew that it would hurt.
“You can tell us anything, son,” his dad said, breaking into his thoughts. “That’s what we’re here for.”
“I know,” Jensen said, his voice small. He sounded like a child. He felt like a child. He cleared his throat, readying himself to speak, but still hesitated. “I’m sorry I didn’t call.” He was stalling and he knew it, and he mentally berated himself for having no balls. “I, um…I kind of got…depressed. I guess Dean kinda got in my head, you know? Kinda felt like everything that happened to him happened to me. And I couldn’t stop it. It just got worse.” When he paused, he could feel the silence, knowing he had their full attention, and he had to take a deep breath before continuing. “I couldn’t do the movie. I couldn’t become another character, in the same kind of setting. And I didn’t…I couldn’t talk to anybody. Felt like I was goin’ crazy. I didn’t want people to see me like that.”
“But you thought Jared could help?”
“Yeah,” Jensen said, looking up at his father. “Well, I mean, he knew how I felt, you know, being so close, and being on the same show, and dealing with all of Sam’s issues. I felt like he could at least identify with me, you know?” He grimaced apologetically, thinking that sounded a bit harsher than he’d intended. He hadn’t meant to make it sound like his parents were incapable of helping him. But they didn’t look offended, and he was thankful for that.
“And did he?” his father asked.
“He did.” Jensen nodded, knowing the worst part was coming soon. “He really helped a lot.”
“But it’s been months, Jensen,” his mother cut in. “It’s been months since your problems started. If Jared helped, why didn’t you come to us sooner?”
“Well,” Jensen started, his mouth suddenly feeling so dry he wasn’t sure he could even swallow, “It kinda got worse before it got better.” He winced at his own words. “Kinda” was an understatement. “I…” He had to stop, suddenly needing to focus on his breathing, noticing he was shaking. Christ, he was tired of being such a mess all the time. Maybe if he did this, got it off his chest, it would stop.
“You what, honey?” his mother spoke quietly, as if she was afraid of the answer.
“I, um…I got really lost,” Jensen answered, his voice wavering, and he couldn’t look at them, not now. “I was in a really dark place, and I…” He rested his head in his hands for a second, willing himself to be strong and just get through this. “I tried to commit suicide,” he said quietly, swearing he could feel the temperature drop in the room. He heard a gasp, and he didn’t have to look to know his mother was crying again. “I’m sorry,” he said, his chest heaving. “I’m so sorry. I know you’re…mad and disappointed, and I’m sorry. Jared saved me,” he continued, almost afraid to stop talking now. “He stopped me; saved my life. He just dropped everything, did everything he could for me, and I’m…I’m better now. And I wanna keep getting better, and that’s why I called you here. I just wanted to make things right again, if I could.”
Jensen wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting. He’d gone through a million different scenarios in his head, from his parents being too angry to talk to him, to both of them crying their hearts out in front of him, so upset that they had a defective son. Somehow, a hug was the last thing he’d expected, and he realized now how unfair that was. Then again, he’d done and thought a lot of unfair things since this whole thing began, his judgments and reactions thrown off from their normal positions. But he relished the feel of his parents’ arms wrapping around him a second time, this time longer and tighter.
“I’m sorry,” he said again, and his mother shushed him.
“Wouldn’t wanna lose you, son,” his father’s voice whispered in his ear, shaken, and he closed his eyes, those words heading straight for his heart. He wondered again how the hell he could ever have thought of leaving this, ending it without a word. But he was here now, alive and loved, and that was all that mattered. Everything would be okay.
It had been a long night, after a long day at work, his parents staying up late to talk to him. Fatigue finally began to claim them one by one, and his father began to climb the stairs while his mom stayed behind, sitting next to Jensen on the couch.
“Goodnight, Alan!” she sing-songed when her husband threw her a questioning glance. His dad rolled his eyes and continued on his way, and Jensen laughed.
“What is it, Mama?” Jensen asked, turning to her, her hand rubbing gentle circles into his back.
“Jared’s done a lot for you, hasn’t he?” she asked.
“Well, yeah, of course he has,” he replied, wondering why she was asking. “He took me in, saved my life.”
“You care for each other?”
It sounded half like a question and half like a statement, and Jensen froze, wondering if his mother was getting at what he thought she was getting at. It suddenly dawned on him that he’d come clean about so much but hadn’t mentioned, “Oh, yeah, and I’m in love with my best friend, who’s a guy.” He thought about it, briefly wondering how his family would react.
He and Jared used to laugh about the odd fanfiction that would be brought to their attention by Kim Manners, of all people. There were quite a few where one or both of them were disowned once they admitted their big gay love for each other. He thought now about the conversations those stories had spawned between him and Jared about their families, their parents, and how, if they were gay, they would never be treated like that. They’d be accepted and loved no matter what their choices were.
Jensen knew that to be true, and yet here he was, questioning it and hesitating, and he wasn’t even sure why. Maybe because he had confessed so much already, emotions running high, and this had been so unexpected. Of course, there was also the fact he’d already acknowledged earlier, which was that he was mentally fucked from everything he’d been through.
“Mama?” he asked uncertainly, fidgeting slightly.
“Jensen,” she said sympathetically, her hand cupping his cheek. “I’m your mother. You really think after all these years, after everything we talked about tonight, I’d turn away from you because you have feelings for another man?” Jensen’s heart swelled, and he turned his head to kiss the palm of her hand.
“I love him, Mama.” She smiled at him, and it felt good, so good, to be able to tell her. “I’ve always loved him. It just…It took us a while, you know?”
“Jared’s a good boy,” she said, nodding her head in approval. “You know we all love him. He’s practically family already.”
“What about Dad?” Jensen asked, hesitating. The exasperated look on his mother’s face made him wonder why he’d even asked, but he hadn’t been able to help it, the words slipping out before he could think about them.
“Listen to me.” She leaned forward, grasping his hands in hers, eyes bright with amusement. “We may be from Texas, and proud of it, but that doesn’t mean we haven’t opened our minds beyond the Bible Belt.” Jensen laughed, and she hugged him, holding him tight. “You’re our boy. We love you no matter what.”
It didn’t surprise Jensen the next day when his father made a point of casually asking if he’d heard from Jared. And it didn’t surprise him after he answered, when his father responded with, “He’s a good kid,” in a purposely nonchalant tone, patting Jensen on the back. Jensen grinned. Everything would be okay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jared sat out on the porch, the night air clean and clear, having already gone out and stuffed himself full of food and drinks that he’d forgotten the names of, but knew that just the ingredients would make Jensen laugh, anyway. He pulled out his phone, thinking of all the people he hadn’t talked to, family included. His sister stood out in his mind, having been the one he woke in the middle of the night to drive him to the airport back when this whole mess was just starting and hers was the first number he dialed.
“Jared! It’s about damn time!”
“I know, I know,” Jared said, grinning, happy to hear voice again. “I’m sorry. Things just got a little crazy for a while, but it’s all good now. How was the move?”
“Fine. It went pretty well. Would’ve gone better if I had my gigantor brother helping me, though.”
“I know,” Jared sighed, knowing she was just ribbing him, but still feeling bad about the way he’d left her. “But your gigantor brother will make it up to you, though. I promise.”
“It’s alright. Just tell Jensen that if he wants to compete with the little sister for attention, he’s gonna lose.”
Jared should’ve laughed, but didn’t, and Megan immediately became concerned.
“Jensen’s okay, isn’t he?”
“Yeah, yeah,” Jared said quickly, and began contemplating how much he should tell her almost deciding to play the entire thing off as no big deal. But this was his little sister, and he could trust her, had to get it out to someone other than his shrink. He tried his best to not get too emotional, but failed miserably, knowing he sounded like shit run over twice when he spoke again. “Megan, he tried to kill himself.” He heard a sharp intake of breath on the line and closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose, willing himself not to cry again. He and Jensen had done enough crying to last them a lifetime. “He almost died. I came so close to losing him. It was terrifying, Meg. I’ve never been so scared in my life.”
“God. Jared, I’m so sorry. I had no idea things were that bad. Are you…Is he…”
“Yeah.” He could tell that she’d started crying, and gave in a little bit, letting some of his own tears go and sniffling. “Yeah, we’re okay. He’s better now. Or he’s getting better. And I’m okay.”
“Good. God, Jensen…I can’t imagine…”
Somehow, it made Jared feel better, knowing that his family cared just as much about Jensen as he did. He knew his sister could understand his pain, and understand it well, and it somehow made things easier on him, because he wasn’t the only one.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I’m getting there,” Jared said, wiping his eyes. “I’m actually in Hawaii right now.”
“What?? What the hell are you doing in Hawaii?”
“Believe it or not, Jensen sent me here,” he said, smiling a little. “Told me I needed a vacation after everything we’d been through, and everything I’d done for him. He’s back in Vancouver, with his parents visiting at the house.”
“Well, from the way you sound, I’d say he was right. But what about the show?”
“It’s a Dean episode this week, so, perfect timing.” He chuckled, thinking how much that phrase suited his and Jensen’s lives now. “But listen, I won’t keep you long, and I have a lot of other people to hit up who’re gonna be pissed at me. I just wanted to call you to say I’m sorry for being such a shitty big brother lately.”
“Jared, you’re the best big brother anyone could ask for. Just don’t tell Jeff I said that. And give Jensen a hug for me when you get back to Vancouver.”
“I will definitely do that.”
It felt good, sitting out there by himself, taking to his family. He called his brother, called his parents. He could feel the tension in his body slowly ebbing away, his mind slowly coming to grips with what he’d been through with Jensen. He smiled, wondering who else he could call and talk to at this hour, mindful of the time difference. He shifted, leaning back into his seat and getting more comfortable, and dialed another number.
“Asshole! You haven’t called me!”
“You haven’t called me, either!” Jared laughed, bringing the phone back to his ear after having to move it away when Chad had shouted into the phone.
“I told you, bitch, whoever tops last has the responsibility to call.”
“And I told you that that’s never gonna happen.”
“Whatever. You know you want me. What have you been up to? You still up in Bumblefuck workin’ with Ackles? How is he, anyway?”
Jared didn’t miss the note of concern in Chad’s voice. It was there, clear and sharp. He knew there was probably talk about Jensen within the industry or at least among people at the network. He doubted it was anything extreme, but probably much like it was with the crew on their own set, everybody having heard about Jensen dropping out of his movie unexpectedly and becoming a recluse.
“Better,” Jared said. “He hit a rough patch, and I’ve been helping him through it. Things got pretty intense for a while, but he’s okay now.”
“Good, I’m glad to hear it. People have been talking, man, jumping to conclusions, and I’m tired of havin’ to bitch slap these motherfuckers.”
“Thanks, Chad,” Jared said sincerely. He was always grateful for a friend who would defend them no matter what. Chad and Jensen were mostly friends through Jared, but Chad still wouldn’t allow anyone to talk shit about Jensen.
“No problem. And hey, now that he’s better, we can all go back to our happy little lives, with you two humping like bunnies up in Vancouver, and me here in LA, pining for you.”
Jared hesitated at the joke for all of 3 seconds, and then found himself wondering how Chad was so quick on the uptake.
“DUDE. You’re…Shit! No way! Well, congratu-fuckin’-lations, buddy, I hope he’s good at the reach-around, becau-”
“CHAD,” Jared cut in, laughing. “Relax, we haven’t gotten there yet.”
“‘Yet’ is the key word in that sentence, my friend. All I can say is I’m jealous. I’ve been after your ass for fuckin’ years, man. Longer than he has. You should tell him that. Man better appreciate what he’s got.”
“He does,” Jared said, finding himself happier every time he talked about this, realizing just how much Jensen had done for him by giving him this trip. “I’m callin’ you from Hawaii, dude. Jensen sent me here for a vacation, since I don’t have any scenes this week. Told me to relax after everything we’d been through.”
“Son of a bitch, I knew I should’ve stopped goin’ for the pussy! I should’ve just settled down and gotten myself a sugar daddy, like you did.”
Jared grinned. Jensen would crack up at being referred to as a sugar daddy. He hoped Jensen wouldn’t mind that he’d told Chad. They hadn’t talked about telling anybody about their relationship yet, and this was the first time he’d spilled the beans. But he was too happy and relaxed to think that Jensen would have a problem with it, and he spent the rest of the night shooting the shit with his friends, feeling free for the first time in months.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jensen’s cell rang the next day while he was in the kitchen with his parents, pots and pans and food everywhere. He saw Jared’s name pop up on the screen, and answered it, setting the phone down on the counter.
“You’re on speakerphone!” he warned playfully. “So no cussin’! My mama can hear you.”
“Jensen, you know me. I’m a perfect gentleman. I don’t even know any cuss words. Hi, Mama Ackles!”
“Hello, Jared!” was chorused by both of Jensen’s parents, and Jensen almost honest to God giggled.
“Ah, Papa Ackles is there, too! Awesome! How y’all guys doin’?”
“They’re makin’ a mess of your kitchen,” Jensen answered, and his mother smacked him with a dish towel. “Well, Mama is. You’re missin’ some good ol’ Texas cookin’, dude.”
“Aw, man, now I’m jealous!”
“Don’t you worry, Jared,” his mom called out, opening the oven. “There will be leftovers. I’ve made sure of that.” Jensen watched her shove a giant tray of food into the oven and laughed.
“Holy shit, dude, she’s makin’ enough for an entire football team. Hey!” He raised his arm, still laughing, the dish towel flying his way again.
“You cussed.”
Jensen hung up on him, just for good measure.
He didn’t hear from Jared again until late the next night, when he found himself slumped on the couch, idly flipping through the channels on the TV while picking at some leftovers from his mother’s dinners. It had been a long day, and he wasn’t quite ready to turn in yet. Dean had had his heartbroken from his mom-from-the-past and cried to her that day, and it had actually felt good to get through that. He was surprised when his cell phone rumbled, and he picked it up off of the coffee table, flipping it open to read the text he’d been sent.
Dreamt about you blowing me. Miss you.
Jensen shook his head and laughed, his stomach fluttering with heat at the same time. Only Jared would say something that crude and follow it up with such a sentimental statement. He smirked as he typed out his answer.
Fuck you. Only thing you miss right now is my lips.
He waited for a response, and got one momentarily.
Fuckin cocksucking lips, Jen, and you know it.
Jensen leaned forward, moving the plate in his lap to the coffee table, not even caring when the dogs lapped at the food they found there. He grinned evilly. Two could play at this game. His fingers moved rapidly, sending multiple texts over the next few minutes, surprised that Jared wasn’t even trying to get a word in.
Does that get you hard?
Sent.
Want me to do it when you get home?
Sent.
Want me to taste you?
Sent.
Gonna do it, Jay.
Sent.
Gonna taste you, swallow you down.
Sent.
Gonna feel you in my throat.
Sent.
“Are you still up, sweetie?”
Jensen snapped his phone closed, cheeks coloring, smiling awkwardly at his mom. And damn, if he hadn’t already gotten himself a little hard.
“Yeah, just not ready to sleep yet, I guess,” he said, fidgeting. “Just one of those nights, you know? What are you doing up?”
“Just getting myself a drink,” she replied, heading out to the kitchen.
Jensen’s phone buzzed, and he opened it to find a picture message downloading. He waited, eyes flicking nervously to the kitchen, then widening substantially when he saw the picture of Jared’s spent cock suddenly pop up on his phone, come visible on Jared’s skin.
“Goodnight, sweetie!”
“Night, Mom!” Jensen blurted out as she headed for the stairs, aware of how shrill his voice sounded. She looked at him curiously, and he offered her a smile. “Shit!” he cursed when she’d gone up the stairs and he’d heard the bedroom door close, grinding his palm against his crotch and groaning. He quickly sent Jared another text.
You evil bastard. My mom was in the room!
He had no doubt Jared was laughing his ass off somewhere in Hawaii.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jared’s last day in Hawaii didn’t feel like any other last days of any other vacation. Usually, on the last day of a vacation, he’d feel at least a little disappointed, not wanting to leave the safe haven he’d created for himself where work and time didn’t matter. But his last day in Hawaii was just enough. It was satisfying. Jensen had asked him to go there to take a break and get better, and he did, as much as he possibly could. He guessed Hawaii itself was a sort of job, then, with a goal. He’d reached that goal, and he was actually looking forward to leaving this time around. He was looking forward to going home. And it struck him as a little odd that his default thought of home wasn’t his family home in Texas anymore. It was rainy Vancouver, with Jensen and his dogs. He laughed a little at himself when he realized he was looking forward to leaving beautiful, sunny Hawaii in order to get back to dreary, rainy Vancouver. But life was funny like that sometimes.
A delayed flight and a few hours later, he was there, in YVR, walking through the airport with his luggage. Jensen was standing there waiting for him, and it made Jared’s heart beat faster when they both broke out into blinding grins upon seeing one another. They hugged, nothing more than what would seem friendly to passersby, and headed out into the parking lot, loading up the car and heading home.
“It’s so good to see you, Jensen,” Jared said happily, almost unable to take his eyes off Jensen as Jensen drove them home. “You look great.” It was true. Jensen looked so much better, more like Jensen, than he had in months.
“So do you,” Jensen said, reaching over and patting Jared’s knee. “Looks like the trip did you some good.”
“Oh, yeah, it was great. It was pretty much just what I needed. Thank you.” Jensen nodded in response. “How did everything go with your parents?”
“Great,” Jensen said, flashing a smile at Jared. But there was something else there, some sort of nervousness, that Jared picked up on. He almost reverted back to worrying and hovering over Jensen, demanding to know what was wrong. Instead, he took a deep breath and waited. Jensen hadn’t betrayed his trust at any point during their time apart. Jared could at least try to trust him to tell him what was wrong when they got home.
Walking through the door, Jared was hit with the lingering smell of home-cooked food, as well as Harley and Sadie barreling into them. He bent down to greet them, still happy to see them so active again after the way they’d acted when the Hellhound was around. When he stood back up and took a look around, he was surprised to see a number of multicolored balloons floating around the living room.
“What’s all this?” he asked, brow furrowed in confusion as he turned to Jensen. Jensen flushed slightly and fidgeted, pulling Jared’s luggage away and leaving it by the door. When he straightened again, he wore a shy smile on his face.
“This is your birthday!” Jensen motioned around the room at the balloons, and a “Happy Birthday” banner that Jared had just noticed on the stairs. “I, uh…I wanted to…make up for…”
Jared’s hand went to his chest the way it always did, even at conventions, when he was overwhelmed and touched by something someone else had done for him. Jensen didn’t have to finish that sentence. Jared knew. Jared’s birthday had been overrun with worry and hurt, from Jensen forgetting it to Jensen trying to commit suicide that night after they’d returned from the bar. And now this…Jensen was giving him a real birthday, so that he wouldn’t always have to look back at the year he turned 26 as “the year Jensen tried to kill himself.”
“Jen,” Jared said softly, but Jensen was suddenly grabbing him by the arm and pulling him into the dining room.
“I had my parents help a little bit,” Jensen said sheepishly, pointing at the dining room table. “This was Mama’s contribution.”
Jared couldn’t hold back from grinning and bouncing like a 5-year-old when he saw the enormous cake laid out in front of him, and he caught Jensen rolling his eyes affectionately. Jared had already been disappointed that his delayed flight had cost him a chance to see Jensen’s parents, but now he really wished they were still here, so he could thank them in person.
“Mama Ackles made me a cake??” He bounced some more, reaching out to take just a little bit of icing off with his finger, popping it into his mouth.
“You’re like a child,” Jensen said, grinning through an exaggerated sigh. “She also left you this.” He picked a card up off of the table, thrusting it against Jared’s chest, and pouted a little. “She wouldn’t let me read it.”
“That’s because it isn’t for you, asshole!” Jared said, grabbing the card out of Jensen’s hands. He started tearing the envelope open, but Jensen stopped him, dragging him towards the stairs and pausing at the bottom of them, hesitating nervously.
“I did something while you were away, Jared,” Jensen said, and Jared once again calmed himself from automatically assuming the worst. “I had my dad help me.” Okay, that meant the worst hadn’t happened.
Jensen looked like he wanted to say more, but didn’t, instead holding onto Jared’s arm and pulling him up the stairs, leading him to the “guest room.” Jared always used air quotes when referring to it, because he’d been too damn lazy to put anything in it ever since he’d moved in. He’d meant for it to be a guest room. It just wasn’t yet, which was why Jensen always ended up sleeping on the couch whenever he crashed there. Well…except…now they tended to sleep in the same bed. Jensen put his hand on the knob, but turned to him before opening the door.
“Do you remember what you said to me?” Jensen asked, looking more and more nervous by the second. “Do you remember what you told me you really wanted for your birthday that day when we were sitting on the couch?”
“Yeah,” Jared said, giving Jensen a puzzled look. “Yeah, I told you I just wanted you.”
“Well,” Jensen said, smiling a little as he opened the door, “You got me.”
Jared stared for a minute, uncomprehending. The room was just full of boxes. Was this some kind of fucked up riddle he had to figure out?
“I figured this was the only place to really store all my stuff,” Jensen said. And then it clicked.
This was Jensen’s stuff. These boxes belonged to Jensen. Jensen had moved in with him. Not just packed a suitcase for a temporary stay while they held off some pesky Hellhounds. Jensen had for real moved in with him.
“This is what you wanted, right?” Jensen was asking, looking up at him. “I mean, your offer…I wasn’t sure if I should just assume…”
Jared held up his free hand, and Jensen stopped talking. He looked down at the card he held in his other hand, and finished opening up the envelope. It might’ve been wrong to keep Jensen in suspense, but so far, everything that was happening for his birthday was pretty fucking awesome, and he wanted to be sure he experienced it all before he let loose. He was pretty sure Jensen would appreciate only having to deal with one super happy Jared reaction instead of two.
He opened the card and saw more handwriting than he expected, and he leaned out of the way when Jensen tried to peer at it over his shoulder. He felt his throat get tight as he read what Jensen’s mother had written for him. What she wrote was so much more than just wishing him a happy birthday. It was thanking him for taking care of Jensen in his time of need. It was thanking him for saving Jensen’s life. It was thanking him for helping to bring Jensen back to his family. And then it was approval…
“You told them?” Jared whispered as he looked back at Jensen. “You told them everything? About what you did, and about…about us?”
“Jared…” Jensen’s eyes widened. “What did she say?” He tried again to peer at card, his movements a bit frantic, and then gave up, running a hand through his hair. “I was gonna tell you,” he said sincerely, as if begging Jared to believe him. “I didn’t mean for you to find out like…I’m sorry.”
Jared dropped the card on the floor, gripped the front of Jensen’s shirt, and shoved him up against the wall, his lips crashing down on Jensen’s. Jensen made a surprised noise before responding, opening up and returning the kiss. Jensen’s tongue flicked into his mouth, and heat rose in Jared’s body. He pulled away, hands cupping Jensen’s face, and Jensen looked up at him with a dazed expression.
“You,” Jared started, “Are the best…” He trailed off, realizing he was about to add the word “boyfriend” into the mix, which just sounded way too girly. They were still men, for Christ’s sake. He decided to just cut himself off there, repeating the shortened statement. “You are the best. The best, Jen. Ever.”
“So…I take it you’re okay with the fact that I told them about us?” Jensen asked, a slow smile creeping onto his face.
“Jensen,” Jared said, his hands moving to Jensen’s shoulders, “This…all of this…is just…” He sighed, not really knowing how to put what he felt into words, then laughed a little, patting Jensen before moving away and leaning on the wall, looking at him. “The progress you’ve made this week? It makes the steps I’ve made seem so small in comparison, dude. And I’m happy about that. Just…thank you, for everything. For the trip, and the birthday, and you. Everything we’ve been through…I wouldn’t change it, man. I wouldn’t change a thing, even when it hurt.” And just like that, Jared saw all the nervousness in Jensen’s body drop away. It warmed him to know that this was the only reason for Jensen’s nervous behavior, and that nothing else was going on beneath the surface. “You ready to live with me?”
“Been doing it already, dude,” Jensen responded, crossing his arms over his chest. “We do everything else together, so we may as well live in the same house.”
Chapter 9: Apologies and Packages
Chapter 2: Blood and Dust
Chapter 3: Cereal and Stitches
Chapter 4: Breakfast and Bathrooms
Chapter 5: Doctors and Bracelets
Chapter 6: Words and Knives
Chapter 7: Showers and Dates
Chapter 8: Vacations and Confessions
“It’s all his fault,” was all Jensen told everybody whenever someone was chewing them out for being late, pointing towards Jared. “He takes forever to get ready in the morning.” They seemed to be forgiven pretty quickly, and Jensen figured it was because both of them were in such good moods. It was like a fog had been lifted from the set, and it felt like family again.
But halfway through the day, Jensen’s mood changed. Well, it didn’t change completely. He was okay. He was happy. He was alive. But Jared had finished filming his less-than-a-minute scene early, and was still hanging around on set, watching Jensen work. Jensen couldn’t help but feel that there was something wrong about that. He knew Jared was relieved and happy now, too, but he also knew that Jared was tired. He could still see in Jared’s face, the way he carried himself, even after the joyful morning they’d had. He’d counted the days on Jared’s calendar that morning, and found that they’d managed to survive 43 days together.
For 43 days, Jared had been worked to the bone. For 43 days, Jared had taken care of Jensen, the dogs, and himself, also keeping Sam Winchester in his head so he could whip him out when needed. Jensen knew the past few months had messed him up, and he was still dealing with the after effects. But he hadn’t realized how much everything had affected Jared. He’d been too selfish to. Jared had carried them both for 43 days and never once complained about it, even though Jensen had driven him to seek professional help. Shit, Jensen had tried to kill himself the night of Jared’s birthday. And now Jared was still here, watching him and worrying about him, making sure he was okay.
Jensen wasn’t sure how he’d managed it, but he’d been able to find some time to himself while on set, making a few phone calls and feeling anxious and excited at the same time. Later on, during a break, he grabbed Jared and headed for his trailer, finding himself pressed up against the wall as soon as the door closed, Jared’s lips on his.
“Been wanting to do that all day,” Jared said, smiling. “You’re kicking ass out there. You feeling okay still?”
Jensen had to keep himself from frowning at those words, opting instead to kiss Jared again, making it good, rough and thrusting his tongue in and out of Jared’s mouth.
“Fuck, Jen,” was all Jared managed to say afterwards, and Jensen smiled at him, pushing him further into the trailer and into a seat.
“Wanna do somethin’ for you, Jay,” he said, standing in front of Jared awkwardly, hands shoved in the pockets of Dean’s leather jacket.
“If it involves my dick, you have my wholehearted approval.” Jensen laughed as Jared grinned wickedly.
“Sorry.” Jared pouted, and Jensen rolled his eyes. “Look, your dick can wait!”
“My dick disagrees.”
“Well, unless your dick can speak, then it has no say in the matter.”
“Maybe you’re just not listening hard enough,” Jared replied, chin high in the air.
“Enough, dude!” Jensen said, laughing again. He cleared his throat, trying to be serious, and he saw how that instantly made Jared sit up straighter, the laughter draining from his face.
“What is it?” Jared asked quickly. “What’s wrong?”
“Jay,” Jensen said affectionately, smiling sadly. “That’s what’s wrong.” Jared face scrunched up in confusion, and Jensen sighed. “You need a break, Jared.”
“What are you talking about, dude?” Jared chuckled and shrugged. “I’m fucking on a break. I don’t have any scenes this week.”
“That’s my point. You have a break from work, and you’re still here.” Jensen held up a hand when Jared’s expressions began to change from confused to hurt. “Dude. Hear me out. I’m not saying I don’t want you around, because I do. I love you, and you know that. But you need a break, man. A real one. You need to get away from all this, from the set, from the house, from me.”
“Why are you saying this?” Jared stood, staring down at him in concern. “Why would you think I need a break from you? Are you still depressed?”
“No!” Jensen protested, a little too loudly, and then sighed. “Look, it’s like you said, things aren’t just gonna go away for me. I have to work through what I’ve dealt with. But this isn’t about me Jared. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. This is about you. And why wouldn’t you need a break from me? No,” he cut Jared off when Jared opened his mouth to speak, and felt bad when Jared looked offended. “Look, you don’t have to tell me, alright? You don’t have to tell me you love me. I already know that. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t even be here right now. But Jared, it’s not a crime. You can love someone and still need to get away every once in a while. It’s okay for you to just stop for a little while.”
“Stop what?” Jared said quietly, clearly blindsided and bewildered.
“Stop worrying!” Jensen answered. “Stop taking care of everything and carrying that weight around on your shoulders. And I put that weight there, I know that. But I wanna help you take it off. I know you’re concerned about me, and I’m grateful. I am. But I’ve done nothing to help you during all of this, and I want to start making up for it.”
“You don’t have t-”
“I booked you a flight to Hawaii.” Jared stopped and stared at Jensen in shock, actually taking a step back. “I made a few phone calls earlier, “Jensen continued. “I got you a flight, and I found you one of those cottages on one of the islands.” Jared sat back down, still stunned. “Should be nice,” Jensen tried, smiling a little. “It’s more of a retreat than one of the hotels, you know? I was lucky it was still open. I just wanted you to be able to get away and relax. I figured we always joke about filming in Hawaii, so…”
“When am I supposed to leave?” Jared asked flatly, after Jensen trailed off.
“In the morning,” Jensen answered, and felt butterflies in his stomach when Jared closed his eyes and took a deep breath, body tense. “Early.” He sat down next to Jared cautiously, leaving a bit of space between them. “Are you mad at me?”
“No,” Jared said sadly, and Jensen wished he could take that tone out of Jared’s voice and replace it with something better. “I’m just confused. I mean, I don’t understand it. We just got through all of this together, and now you’re sending me away?”
“No…That’s not…Jared,” Jensen stuttered, Jared’s suddenly glassy eyes making his heart clench. “I told you, it’s not that I don’t want you here. I just…I thought it would be nice,” he said lamely, shrugging. “I wanted you to have a vacation; the one you didn’t get to have when I called you to Vancouver. I just wanna give something back, Jared. That’s all. Shit,” he cursed, suddenly realizing something that made his stomach hurt and rubbing a hand over his face.
“What?”
“You know I haven’t even thanked you yet?” he said, looking back at Jared with a pained expression. “The only reason I’m even sitting here right now is because of you, and I haven’t even thanked you,” his voice broke unexpectedly, and he looked away. “Not once.” Jared was leaning into him then, arms wrapping around him, and Jensen turned and hugged him back. “You saved my life, Jared. Everything you did, everything you planned, kept me alive.” He closed his eyes, knowing he had to say it, but the words sounded so stupid to him now; two little words that could never possibly be enough for what Jared had done. “Thank you.”
“Anytime,” Jared said, tightening his hold before pulling away.
“Take the vacation?” Jensen pleaded, suddenly feeling tired again. “Please. Let me do this for you. Go to Hawaii, relax, and drink tropical girl drinks that I’ll make fun of you for when you come back.” Jared laughed, but still looked doubtful.
“What about you?” Jared asked. “You’re still just gonna go to work and be Dean Winchester, like nothing ever happened? Jensen, you…you tried…” Jared trailed off and looked at Jensen, not having to finish that thought in order for Jensen to know what he was talking about. “I don’t know if I can just leave you here alone like that.”
“Well,” Jensen started, “For one thing, I think this episode will help me, in a way. Might sound weird, but it’s pretty heavy, and I have some emotional scenes. I’m actually looking forward to getting into it more. I think it might be therapeutic. And for another, I thought you might be worried about leaving me here by myself.”
“And?” Jared prompted.
“And,” Jensen continued, “I thought I could call my parents.” Jared cocked his head and gave him a surprised look, as if he wasn’t expecting Jensen to be ready for that. “I want this to be over, Jared,” Jensen explained. “I don’t want to stay messed up forever. I’m trying. And my parents…I haven’t talked to them, or given them any kind of explanation…I miss my family, Jared. And I figured that, if I called my parents and had them fly in while you were gone, they could stay with me, at the house. They could have the bed, and I’d take the couch, until you got back. If that’s okay?” Jared sighed.
“You’ve really put a lot of thought into this, haven’t you?” Jensen nodded, and Jared leaned forward and kissed him. “Okay. I’ll go. I’ll go, and I’ll try to relax, and let you get caught up with your parents. You should. I think it’ll be good for you.”
“It will,” Jensen agreed, smiling, even though he still felt nervous. “I think we’ll both feel a lot better by the time you come back home.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jared boarded his flight, knowing that Jensen would be staying at the airport to pick up his parents before going to work, and still feeling bad about leaving. He almost changed his mind and got off the plane a million times, worried about what might happen if he really left. But, eventually, he was thousands of feet in the air, no turning back, and he prayed that he’d made the right decision to agree to this. He turned his phone on as soon as the plane landed, immediately checking his voicemail and breathing a sigh of relief when he heard Jensen’s voice.
“Hey, Jared, it’s me. Just letting you know my parents got in safely. They say hi, by the way.”
“Hi, Jared!”
Jared smiled. Mama Ackles was awesome.
“Anyway, I hope your flight went well. Call me, or text me, or something. Let me know you got in okay.”
There was a pause, and Jared immediately recognized the unspoken, “I love you, and I’m fine; quit worrying,” in the silence.
“Have a nice vacation. I’ll just be back here, you know, working. Talk to you later, man.”
Jared took a deep, cleansing breath, suddenly feeling better about this. Jensen was okay, spending time with his family. He sent a quick text, knowing Jensen was probably busy, telling Jensen he’d made it. With that, he went to collect his luggage and head for the cottage Jensen had booked for him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It had been emotional. Jensen knew it would be. He couldn’t help but feel he’d been a shitty son, leaving his mother worrying about him all this time. He hoped both of his parents would forgive him for it. They’d sounded eager enough to see him on the phone. He waited with a bouquet of flowers in his hand, just incase. And even though he’d been looking, they’d found him before he found them, his mother’s voice suddenly sounding from behind him.
“Jensen!” He turned, and found her reaching out for him with tears in her eyes, and immediately bent to hug her. “Oh, sweetie,” she whispered, squeezing him tightly, and he closed his eyes and swallowed against the break in her voice.
“Don’t cry, Mama,” he whispered, kissing her cheek. He looked up and caught his father’s eye before feeling another pair of arms reaching around both him and his mother. “Dad,” he acknowledged, letting the feeling wash over him. For a brief moment, he felt his somewhat abandoned self-hatred return, wondering how the hell he could have denied his family this for so long. But he let it pass, forced it away, told himself he’d had no choice, and knew that to be true. He was fixing it now. Everything would be okay. “These are for you,” he said when the hug broke apart, holding the flowers out to his mother.
She accepted them gratefully, smiling and placing a hand on his cheek. Everything would be okay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jared stood out on the porch of his cottage, breathing in the warm, fresh air, a light breeze blowing through his hair. It was quiet and peaceful, beautiful scenery all around him. He was already beginning to think Jensen was right about this. Part of him still worried, still wanted to call or text Jensen every half an hour or so to make sure he was okay. But he was learning to restrain himself a bit and relax a little more. Besides, Jensen wasn’t alone.
He went back inside and collapsed on the incredibly soft mattress in the bedroom. He was in Hawaii, but he’d be completely content just sleeping for the entire week. And hey, Jensen had told him to relax, right? His phone jingled on his hip, and he grabbed it and flipped it open to read the text Jensen had sent him.
Where’d you hide the silverware? Mama’s talkin bout cookin tonight.
Shit. Jared had forgotten all about that. The question brought back harsh memories of Jensen’s suicide attempt, and he took a minute to answer, thinking hard. Would Jensen still lie to him, even now? After all that had happened, could Jensen still be depressed enough to try again? It all came down to trust, and it bothered him that he had to take this much time to think about whether or not he trusted Jensen.
This was hard; harder than he’d thought it would be. He couldn’t help but fear the worst. If he told Jensen where he’d hidden everything, and then Jensen hurt himself, it would be his fault. He’d have to explain to Jensen’s parents how he’d been dumb enough to put a knife in a suicidal Jensen’s hands. Then again, he’d already gone and allowed himself to take this vacation Jensen had set up for him in Hawaii. He’d already allowed Jensen to start taking his life back into his own hands. This was just one more step. Jensen said he didn’t want to be messed up forever. Jensen wanted his life back. He needed it, deserved it, after what he’d been through. Jared finally broke down and texted Jensen back with the answer, quick to add an, “I love you,” to the end of the message.
I love you, too. Stop worrying. I’m okay.
Then, a minute later,
Thank you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was inevitable. Eventually, Jensen would have to talk about it. He’d promised to when he’d called his parents on the phone. He thought he was ready, but his stomach still churned whenever he thought about it. And yet, here he was, late at night, sitting in the living room with his parents, the dogs happy and content on the floor, his mouth going dry whenever he thought about dropping the bomb.
He’d told himself that he wouldn’t lie anymore; not about things he didn’t have to. The end of his ordeal hadn’t completely fixed him, but he knew that what he’d been doing had to stop. All his lies of the past few months had only ruined him. His relationships had suffered, some ending, he’d hurt Jared, and he’d gotten himself so caught up in his own web that he’d nearly killed himself, which was obviously the greatest mistake he’d ever made in his life. He needed to fix things, to surround himself with friends and family again, repair his life. And, in order to do that, he had to be as honest as he could be, especially with his parents. But he knew that it would hurt.
“You can tell us anything, son,” his dad said, breaking into his thoughts. “That’s what we’re here for.”
“I know,” Jensen said, his voice small. He sounded like a child. He felt like a child. He cleared his throat, readying himself to speak, but still hesitated. “I’m sorry I didn’t call.” He was stalling and he knew it, and he mentally berated himself for having no balls. “I, um…I kind of got…depressed. I guess Dean kinda got in my head, you know? Kinda felt like everything that happened to him happened to me. And I couldn’t stop it. It just got worse.” When he paused, he could feel the silence, knowing he had their full attention, and he had to take a deep breath before continuing. “I couldn’t do the movie. I couldn’t become another character, in the same kind of setting. And I didn’t…I couldn’t talk to anybody. Felt like I was goin’ crazy. I didn’t want people to see me like that.”
“But you thought Jared could help?”
“Yeah,” Jensen said, looking up at his father. “Well, I mean, he knew how I felt, you know, being so close, and being on the same show, and dealing with all of Sam’s issues. I felt like he could at least identify with me, you know?” He grimaced apologetically, thinking that sounded a bit harsher than he’d intended. He hadn’t meant to make it sound like his parents were incapable of helping him. But they didn’t look offended, and he was thankful for that.
“And did he?” his father asked.
“He did.” Jensen nodded, knowing the worst part was coming soon. “He really helped a lot.”
“But it’s been months, Jensen,” his mother cut in. “It’s been months since your problems started. If Jared helped, why didn’t you come to us sooner?”
“Well,” Jensen started, his mouth suddenly feeling so dry he wasn’t sure he could even swallow, “It kinda got worse before it got better.” He winced at his own words. “Kinda” was an understatement. “I…” He had to stop, suddenly needing to focus on his breathing, noticing he was shaking. Christ, he was tired of being such a mess all the time. Maybe if he did this, got it off his chest, it would stop.
“You what, honey?” his mother spoke quietly, as if she was afraid of the answer.
“I, um…I got really lost,” Jensen answered, his voice wavering, and he couldn’t look at them, not now. “I was in a really dark place, and I…” He rested his head in his hands for a second, willing himself to be strong and just get through this. “I tried to commit suicide,” he said quietly, swearing he could feel the temperature drop in the room. He heard a gasp, and he didn’t have to look to know his mother was crying again. “I’m sorry,” he said, his chest heaving. “I’m so sorry. I know you’re…mad and disappointed, and I’m sorry. Jared saved me,” he continued, almost afraid to stop talking now. “He stopped me; saved my life. He just dropped everything, did everything he could for me, and I’m…I’m better now. And I wanna keep getting better, and that’s why I called you here. I just wanted to make things right again, if I could.”
Jensen wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting. He’d gone through a million different scenarios in his head, from his parents being too angry to talk to him, to both of them crying their hearts out in front of him, so upset that they had a defective son. Somehow, a hug was the last thing he’d expected, and he realized now how unfair that was. Then again, he’d done and thought a lot of unfair things since this whole thing began, his judgments and reactions thrown off from their normal positions. But he relished the feel of his parents’ arms wrapping around him a second time, this time longer and tighter.
“I’m sorry,” he said again, and his mother shushed him.
“Wouldn’t wanna lose you, son,” his father’s voice whispered in his ear, shaken, and he closed his eyes, those words heading straight for his heart. He wondered again how the hell he could ever have thought of leaving this, ending it without a word. But he was here now, alive and loved, and that was all that mattered. Everything would be okay.
It had been a long night, after a long day at work, his parents staying up late to talk to him. Fatigue finally began to claim them one by one, and his father began to climb the stairs while his mom stayed behind, sitting next to Jensen on the couch.
“Goodnight, Alan!” she sing-songed when her husband threw her a questioning glance. His dad rolled his eyes and continued on his way, and Jensen laughed.
“What is it, Mama?” Jensen asked, turning to her, her hand rubbing gentle circles into his back.
“Jared’s done a lot for you, hasn’t he?” she asked.
“Well, yeah, of course he has,” he replied, wondering why she was asking. “He took me in, saved my life.”
“You care for each other?”
It sounded half like a question and half like a statement, and Jensen froze, wondering if his mother was getting at what he thought she was getting at. It suddenly dawned on him that he’d come clean about so much but hadn’t mentioned, “Oh, yeah, and I’m in love with my best friend, who’s a guy.” He thought about it, briefly wondering how his family would react.
He and Jared used to laugh about the odd fanfiction that would be brought to their attention by Kim Manners, of all people. There were quite a few where one or both of them were disowned once they admitted their big gay love for each other. He thought now about the conversations those stories had spawned between him and Jared about their families, their parents, and how, if they were gay, they would never be treated like that. They’d be accepted and loved no matter what their choices were.
Jensen knew that to be true, and yet here he was, questioning it and hesitating, and he wasn’t even sure why. Maybe because he had confessed so much already, emotions running high, and this had been so unexpected. Of course, there was also the fact he’d already acknowledged earlier, which was that he was mentally fucked from everything he’d been through.
“Mama?” he asked uncertainly, fidgeting slightly.
“Jensen,” she said sympathetically, her hand cupping his cheek. “I’m your mother. You really think after all these years, after everything we talked about tonight, I’d turn away from you because you have feelings for another man?” Jensen’s heart swelled, and he turned his head to kiss the palm of her hand.
“I love him, Mama.” She smiled at him, and it felt good, so good, to be able to tell her. “I’ve always loved him. It just…It took us a while, you know?”
“Jared’s a good boy,” she said, nodding her head in approval. “You know we all love him. He’s practically family already.”
“What about Dad?” Jensen asked, hesitating. The exasperated look on his mother’s face made him wonder why he’d even asked, but he hadn’t been able to help it, the words slipping out before he could think about them.
“Listen to me.” She leaned forward, grasping his hands in hers, eyes bright with amusement. “We may be from Texas, and proud of it, but that doesn’t mean we haven’t opened our minds beyond the Bible Belt.” Jensen laughed, and she hugged him, holding him tight. “You’re our boy. We love you no matter what.”
It didn’t surprise Jensen the next day when his father made a point of casually asking if he’d heard from Jared. And it didn’t surprise him after he answered, when his father responded with, “He’s a good kid,” in a purposely nonchalant tone, patting Jensen on the back. Jensen grinned. Everything would be okay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jared sat out on the porch, the night air clean and clear, having already gone out and stuffed himself full of food and drinks that he’d forgotten the names of, but knew that just the ingredients would make Jensen laugh, anyway. He pulled out his phone, thinking of all the people he hadn’t talked to, family included. His sister stood out in his mind, having been the one he woke in the middle of the night to drive him to the airport back when this whole mess was just starting and hers was the first number he dialed.
“Jared! It’s about damn time!”
“I know, I know,” Jared said, grinning, happy to hear voice again. “I’m sorry. Things just got a little crazy for a while, but it’s all good now. How was the move?”
“Fine. It went pretty well. Would’ve gone better if I had my gigantor brother helping me, though.”
“I know,” Jared sighed, knowing she was just ribbing him, but still feeling bad about the way he’d left her. “But your gigantor brother will make it up to you, though. I promise.”
“It’s alright. Just tell Jensen that if he wants to compete with the little sister for attention, he’s gonna lose.”
Jared should’ve laughed, but didn’t, and Megan immediately became concerned.
“Jensen’s okay, isn’t he?”
“Yeah, yeah,” Jared said quickly, and began contemplating how much he should tell her almost deciding to play the entire thing off as no big deal. But this was his little sister, and he could trust her, had to get it out to someone other than his shrink. He tried his best to not get too emotional, but failed miserably, knowing he sounded like shit run over twice when he spoke again. “Megan, he tried to kill himself.” He heard a sharp intake of breath on the line and closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose, willing himself not to cry again. He and Jensen had done enough crying to last them a lifetime. “He almost died. I came so close to losing him. It was terrifying, Meg. I’ve never been so scared in my life.”
“God. Jared, I’m so sorry. I had no idea things were that bad. Are you…Is he…”
“Yeah.” He could tell that she’d started crying, and gave in a little bit, letting some of his own tears go and sniffling. “Yeah, we’re okay. He’s better now. Or he’s getting better. And I’m okay.”
“Good. God, Jensen…I can’t imagine…”
Somehow, it made Jared feel better, knowing that his family cared just as much about Jensen as he did. He knew his sister could understand his pain, and understand it well, and it somehow made things easier on him, because he wasn’t the only one.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I’m getting there,” Jared said, wiping his eyes. “I’m actually in Hawaii right now.”
“What?? What the hell are you doing in Hawaii?”
“Believe it or not, Jensen sent me here,” he said, smiling a little. “Told me I needed a vacation after everything we’d been through, and everything I’d done for him. He’s back in Vancouver, with his parents visiting at the house.”
“Well, from the way you sound, I’d say he was right. But what about the show?”
“It’s a Dean episode this week, so, perfect timing.” He chuckled, thinking how much that phrase suited his and Jensen’s lives now. “But listen, I won’t keep you long, and I have a lot of other people to hit up who’re gonna be pissed at me. I just wanted to call you to say I’m sorry for being such a shitty big brother lately.”
“Jared, you’re the best big brother anyone could ask for. Just don’t tell Jeff I said that. And give Jensen a hug for me when you get back to Vancouver.”
“I will definitely do that.”
It felt good, sitting out there by himself, taking to his family. He called his brother, called his parents. He could feel the tension in his body slowly ebbing away, his mind slowly coming to grips with what he’d been through with Jensen. He smiled, wondering who else he could call and talk to at this hour, mindful of the time difference. He shifted, leaning back into his seat and getting more comfortable, and dialed another number.
“Asshole! You haven’t called me!”
“You haven’t called me, either!” Jared laughed, bringing the phone back to his ear after having to move it away when Chad had shouted into the phone.
“I told you, bitch, whoever tops last has the responsibility to call.”
“And I told you that that’s never gonna happen.”
“Whatever. You know you want me. What have you been up to? You still up in Bumblefuck workin’ with Ackles? How is he, anyway?”
Jared didn’t miss the note of concern in Chad’s voice. It was there, clear and sharp. He knew there was probably talk about Jensen within the industry or at least among people at the network. He doubted it was anything extreme, but probably much like it was with the crew on their own set, everybody having heard about Jensen dropping out of his movie unexpectedly and becoming a recluse.
“Better,” Jared said. “He hit a rough patch, and I’ve been helping him through it. Things got pretty intense for a while, but he’s okay now.”
“Good, I’m glad to hear it. People have been talking, man, jumping to conclusions, and I’m tired of havin’ to bitch slap these motherfuckers.”
“Thanks, Chad,” Jared said sincerely. He was always grateful for a friend who would defend them no matter what. Chad and Jensen were mostly friends through Jared, but Chad still wouldn’t allow anyone to talk shit about Jensen.
“No problem. And hey, now that he’s better, we can all go back to our happy little lives, with you two humping like bunnies up in Vancouver, and me here in LA, pining for you.”
Jared hesitated at the joke for all of 3 seconds, and then found himself wondering how Chad was so quick on the uptake.
“DUDE. You’re…Shit! No way! Well, congratu-fuckin’-lations, buddy, I hope he’s good at the reach-around, becau-”
“CHAD,” Jared cut in, laughing. “Relax, we haven’t gotten there yet.”
“‘Yet’ is the key word in that sentence, my friend. All I can say is I’m jealous. I’ve been after your ass for fuckin’ years, man. Longer than he has. You should tell him that. Man better appreciate what he’s got.”
“He does,” Jared said, finding himself happier every time he talked about this, realizing just how much Jensen had done for him by giving him this trip. “I’m callin’ you from Hawaii, dude. Jensen sent me here for a vacation, since I don’t have any scenes this week. Told me to relax after everything we’d been through.”
“Son of a bitch, I knew I should’ve stopped goin’ for the pussy! I should’ve just settled down and gotten myself a sugar daddy, like you did.”
Jared grinned. Jensen would crack up at being referred to as a sugar daddy. He hoped Jensen wouldn’t mind that he’d told Chad. They hadn’t talked about telling anybody about their relationship yet, and this was the first time he’d spilled the beans. But he was too happy and relaxed to think that Jensen would have a problem with it, and he spent the rest of the night shooting the shit with his friends, feeling free for the first time in months.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jensen’s cell rang the next day while he was in the kitchen with his parents, pots and pans and food everywhere. He saw Jared’s name pop up on the screen, and answered it, setting the phone down on the counter.
“You’re on speakerphone!” he warned playfully. “So no cussin’! My mama can hear you.”
“Jensen, you know me. I’m a perfect gentleman. I don’t even know any cuss words. Hi, Mama Ackles!”
“Hello, Jared!” was chorused by both of Jensen’s parents, and Jensen almost honest to God giggled.
“Ah, Papa Ackles is there, too! Awesome! How y’all guys doin’?”
“They’re makin’ a mess of your kitchen,” Jensen answered, and his mother smacked him with a dish towel. “Well, Mama is. You’re missin’ some good ol’ Texas cookin’, dude.”
“Aw, man, now I’m jealous!”
“Don’t you worry, Jared,” his mom called out, opening the oven. “There will be leftovers. I’ve made sure of that.” Jensen watched her shove a giant tray of food into the oven and laughed.
“Holy shit, dude, she’s makin’ enough for an entire football team. Hey!” He raised his arm, still laughing, the dish towel flying his way again.
“You cussed.”
Jensen hung up on him, just for good measure.
He didn’t hear from Jared again until late the next night, when he found himself slumped on the couch, idly flipping through the channels on the TV while picking at some leftovers from his mother’s dinners. It had been a long day, and he wasn’t quite ready to turn in yet. Dean had had his heartbroken from his mom-from-the-past and cried to her that day, and it had actually felt good to get through that. He was surprised when his cell phone rumbled, and he picked it up off of the coffee table, flipping it open to read the text he’d been sent.
Dreamt about you blowing me. Miss you.
Jensen shook his head and laughed, his stomach fluttering with heat at the same time. Only Jared would say something that crude and follow it up with such a sentimental statement. He smirked as he typed out his answer.
Fuck you. Only thing you miss right now is my lips.
He waited for a response, and got one momentarily.
Fuckin cocksucking lips, Jen, and you know it.
Jensen leaned forward, moving the plate in his lap to the coffee table, not even caring when the dogs lapped at the food they found there. He grinned evilly. Two could play at this game. His fingers moved rapidly, sending multiple texts over the next few minutes, surprised that Jared wasn’t even trying to get a word in.
Does that get you hard?
Sent.
Want me to do it when you get home?
Sent.
Want me to taste you?
Sent.
Gonna do it, Jay.
Sent.
Gonna taste you, swallow you down.
Sent.
Gonna feel you in my throat.
Sent.
“Are you still up, sweetie?”
Jensen snapped his phone closed, cheeks coloring, smiling awkwardly at his mom. And damn, if he hadn’t already gotten himself a little hard.
“Yeah, just not ready to sleep yet, I guess,” he said, fidgeting. “Just one of those nights, you know? What are you doing up?”
“Just getting myself a drink,” she replied, heading out to the kitchen.
Jensen’s phone buzzed, and he opened it to find a picture message downloading. He waited, eyes flicking nervously to the kitchen, then widening substantially when he saw the picture of Jared’s spent cock suddenly pop up on his phone, come visible on Jared’s skin.
“Goodnight, sweetie!”
“Night, Mom!” Jensen blurted out as she headed for the stairs, aware of how shrill his voice sounded. She looked at him curiously, and he offered her a smile. “Shit!” he cursed when she’d gone up the stairs and he’d heard the bedroom door close, grinding his palm against his crotch and groaning. He quickly sent Jared another text.
You evil bastard. My mom was in the room!
He had no doubt Jared was laughing his ass off somewhere in Hawaii.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jared’s last day in Hawaii didn’t feel like any other last days of any other vacation. Usually, on the last day of a vacation, he’d feel at least a little disappointed, not wanting to leave the safe haven he’d created for himself where work and time didn’t matter. But his last day in Hawaii was just enough. It was satisfying. Jensen had asked him to go there to take a break and get better, and he did, as much as he possibly could. He guessed Hawaii itself was a sort of job, then, with a goal. He’d reached that goal, and he was actually looking forward to leaving this time around. He was looking forward to going home. And it struck him as a little odd that his default thought of home wasn’t his family home in Texas anymore. It was rainy Vancouver, with Jensen and his dogs. He laughed a little at himself when he realized he was looking forward to leaving beautiful, sunny Hawaii in order to get back to dreary, rainy Vancouver. But life was funny like that sometimes.
A delayed flight and a few hours later, he was there, in YVR, walking through the airport with his luggage. Jensen was standing there waiting for him, and it made Jared’s heart beat faster when they both broke out into blinding grins upon seeing one another. They hugged, nothing more than what would seem friendly to passersby, and headed out into the parking lot, loading up the car and heading home.
“It’s so good to see you, Jensen,” Jared said happily, almost unable to take his eyes off Jensen as Jensen drove them home. “You look great.” It was true. Jensen looked so much better, more like Jensen, than he had in months.
“So do you,” Jensen said, reaching over and patting Jared’s knee. “Looks like the trip did you some good.”
“Oh, yeah, it was great. It was pretty much just what I needed. Thank you.” Jensen nodded in response. “How did everything go with your parents?”
“Great,” Jensen said, flashing a smile at Jared. But there was something else there, some sort of nervousness, that Jared picked up on. He almost reverted back to worrying and hovering over Jensen, demanding to know what was wrong. Instead, he took a deep breath and waited. Jensen hadn’t betrayed his trust at any point during their time apart. Jared could at least try to trust him to tell him what was wrong when they got home.
Walking through the door, Jared was hit with the lingering smell of home-cooked food, as well as Harley and Sadie barreling into them. He bent down to greet them, still happy to see them so active again after the way they’d acted when the Hellhound was around. When he stood back up and took a look around, he was surprised to see a number of multicolored balloons floating around the living room.
“What’s all this?” he asked, brow furrowed in confusion as he turned to Jensen. Jensen flushed slightly and fidgeted, pulling Jared’s luggage away and leaving it by the door. When he straightened again, he wore a shy smile on his face.
“This is your birthday!” Jensen motioned around the room at the balloons, and a “Happy Birthday” banner that Jared had just noticed on the stairs. “I, uh…I wanted to…make up for…”
Jared’s hand went to his chest the way it always did, even at conventions, when he was overwhelmed and touched by something someone else had done for him. Jensen didn’t have to finish that sentence. Jared knew. Jared’s birthday had been overrun with worry and hurt, from Jensen forgetting it to Jensen trying to commit suicide that night after they’d returned from the bar. And now this…Jensen was giving him a real birthday, so that he wouldn’t always have to look back at the year he turned 26 as “the year Jensen tried to kill himself.”
“Jen,” Jared said softly, but Jensen was suddenly grabbing him by the arm and pulling him into the dining room.
“I had my parents help a little bit,” Jensen said sheepishly, pointing at the dining room table. “This was Mama’s contribution.”
Jared couldn’t hold back from grinning and bouncing like a 5-year-old when he saw the enormous cake laid out in front of him, and he caught Jensen rolling his eyes affectionately. Jared had already been disappointed that his delayed flight had cost him a chance to see Jensen’s parents, but now he really wished they were still here, so he could thank them in person.
“Mama Ackles made me a cake??” He bounced some more, reaching out to take just a little bit of icing off with his finger, popping it into his mouth.
“You’re like a child,” Jensen said, grinning through an exaggerated sigh. “She also left you this.” He picked a card up off of the table, thrusting it against Jared’s chest, and pouted a little. “She wouldn’t let me read it.”
“That’s because it isn’t for you, asshole!” Jared said, grabbing the card out of Jensen’s hands. He started tearing the envelope open, but Jensen stopped him, dragging him towards the stairs and pausing at the bottom of them, hesitating nervously.
“I did something while you were away, Jared,” Jensen said, and Jared once again calmed himself from automatically assuming the worst. “I had my dad help me.” Okay, that meant the worst hadn’t happened.
Jensen looked like he wanted to say more, but didn’t, instead holding onto Jared’s arm and pulling him up the stairs, leading him to the “guest room.” Jared always used air quotes when referring to it, because he’d been too damn lazy to put anything in it ever since he’d moved in. He’d meant for it to be a guest room. It just wasn’t yet, which was why Jensen always ended up sleeping on the couch whenever he crashed there. Well…except…now they tended to sleep in the same bed. Jensen put his hand on the knob, but turned to him before opening the door.
“Do you remember what you said to me?” Jensen asked, looking more and more nervous by the second. “Do you remember what you told me you really wanted for your birthday that day when we were sitting on the couch?”
“Yeah,” Jared said, giving Jensen a puzzled look. “Yeah, I told you I just wanted you.”
“Well,” Jensen said, smiling a little as he opened the door, “You got me.”
Jared stared for a minute, uncomprehending. The room was just full of boxes. Was this some kind of fucked up riddle he had to figure out?
“I figured this was the only place to really store all my stuff,” Jensen said. And then it clicked.
This was Jensen’s stuff. These boxes belonged to Jensen. Jensen had moved in with him. Not just packed a suitcase for a temporary stay while they held off some pesky Hellhounds. Jensen had for real moved in with him.
“This is what you wanted, right?” Jensen was asking, looking up at him. “I mean, your offer…I wasn’t sure if I should just assume…”
Jared held up his free hand, and Jensen stopped talking. He looked down at the card he held in his other hand, and finished opening up the envelope. It might’ve been wrong to keep Jensen in suspense, but so far, everything that was happening for his birthday was pretty fucking awesome, and he wanted to be sure he experienced it all before he let loose. He was pretty sure Jensen would appreciate only having to deal with one super happy Jared reaction instead of two.
He opened the card and saw more handwriting than he expected, and he leaned out of the way when Jensen tried to peer at it over his shoulder. He felt his throat get tight as he read what Jensen’s mother had written for him. What she wrote was so much more than just wishing him a happy birthday. It was thanking him for taking care of Jensen in his time of need. It was thanking him for saving Jensen’s life. It was thanking him for helping to bring Jensen back to his family. And then it was approval…
“You told them?” Jared whispered as he looked back at Jensen. “You told them everything? About what you did, and about…about us?”
“Jared…” Jensen’s eyes widened. “What did she say?” He tried again to peer at card, his movements a bit frantic, and then gave up, running a hand through his hair. “I was gonna tell you,” he said sincerely, as if begging Jared to believe him. “I didn’t mean for you to find out like…I’m sorry.”
Jared dropped the card on the floor, gripped the front of Jensen’s shirt, and shoved him up against the wall, his lips crashing down on Jensen’s. Jensen made a surprised noise before responding, opening up and returning the kiss. Jensen’s tongue flicked into his mouth, and heat rose in Jared’s body. He pulled away, hands cupping Jensen’s face, and Jensen looked up at him with a dazed expression.
“You,” Jared started, “Are the best…” He trailed off, realizing he was about to add the word “boyfriend” into the mix, which just sounded way too girly. They were still men, for Christ’s sake. He decided to just cut himself off there, repeating the shortened statement. “You are the best. The best, Jen. Ever.”
“So…I take it you’re okay with the fact that I told them about us?” Jensen asked, a slow smile creeping onto his face.
“Jensen,” Jared said, his hands moving to Jensen’s shoulders, “This…all of this…is just…” He sighed, not really knowing how to put what he felt into words, then laughed a little, patting Jensen before moving away and leaning on the wall, looking at him. “The progress you’ve made this week? It makes the steps I’ve made seem so small in comparison, dude. And I’m happy about that. Just…thank you, for everything. For the trip, and the birthday, and you. Everything we’ve been through…I wouldn’t change it, man. I wouldn’t change a thing, even when it hurt.” And just like that, Jared saw all the nervousness in Jensen’s body drop away. It warmed him to know that this was the only reason for Jensen’s nervous behavior, and that nothing else was going on beneath the surface. “You ready to live with me?”
“Been doing it already, dude,” Jensen responded, crossing his arms over his chest. “We do everything else together, so we may as well live in the same house.”
Chapter 9: Apologies and Packages
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-11-21 08:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-22 12:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-21 10:24 pm (UTC)This is just perfect. I love how you worked everything out, how they managed to work through so much even though they weren't together.
It's like, they found the strength they had in themselves again, they could find themselves again so that they had a whole person to give to the other.
Love this so much. :D
*bounces*
no subject
Date: 2008-11-22 12:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-22 11:01 am (UTC)They are in love!!! *sigh*
And Jensen´s parents are sooooo good, and Chad xDDDDDDDDDDDD
no subject
Date: 2008-11-23 05:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-23 06:21 pm (UTC)And the text bit was awsome... can't wait to go read the next chapter...
no subject
Date: 2008-11-23 08:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-26 03:56 am (UTC)He said y'all! He hasn't said y'all once in this fic, so that means everything must be okay now! Also, do you think that if we get ten thousand fangirls to concentrate really really hard at the Tibetan symbol, the boys will get their gay on for each other? >.>
Ok! Squeeing over, keeping reading.
no subject
Date: 2008-11-26 06:05 pm (UTC)LOL, we could always try!! :P
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Date: 2008-12-03 06:22 am (UTC)I loved it all so much, especially Chad! He cracked me up and made me giggle. You have a knack with the boys' dialogue, and all in all it was a great ride.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-03 10:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-01 11:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-02 06:16 am (UTC)Settin' Up Shop on this Bad Boy
Date: 2009-02-04 07:36 am (UTC)Re: Settin' Up Shop on this Bad Boy
Date: 2009-02-04 05:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-13 08:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-10 07:09 am (UTC)Thanks for writing and sharing.
no subject
Date: 2010-03-15 06:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-05 01:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-11 03:52 am (UTC)