Forty-Three Days (9/9)
Nov. 19th, 2008 10:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
timehasa_wayChapter 1: Sound and Vision
Chapter 2: Blood and Dust
Chapter 3: Cereal and Stitches
Chapter 4: Breakfast and Bathrooms
Chapter 5: Doctors and Bracelets
Chapter 6: Words and Knives
Chapter 7: Showers and Dates
Chapter 8: Vacations and Confessions
Chapter 9: Apologies and Packages
“You still owe me that blowjob, you know.”
Jensen snorted and looked over at Jared, the two of them hanging out in Jared’s trailer with the dogs. This was the first time Jared had brought the dogs to set since the beginning of the season, and it was nice to kick back and relax with the whole “family” there, so to speak.
“Maybe later,” Jensen said coyly, wiggling his eyebrows up and down, and Jared smirked. “What?” Jensen asked immediately when Jared’s expression clouded over. There was a question coming, and he just knew it.
“I know we both sort of healed a bit over the past week. Well, you did a lot,” Jared emphasized. “But, you know, we can still call Dr. Anderson, if you still feel the need to talk to somebody.”
“I don’t want to talk to anybody,” Jensen said, shaking his head and fixing Jared with a pointed stare. “I know I’m not completely fixed yet, Jared. But if I’m gonna talk to anybody, I’d rather it be you. And I will talk to you.” Jared smiled a little, seemingly satisfied with the answer.
“I still have some questions,” Jared admitted softly. “I mean, there are still times I wonder what exactly was going through your head when you…”
Jensen sighed and nodded, regarding Jared quietly before speaking again. If he was going to do this, he may as well do it, and get past the fear of opening up about it. He just had to do it a little bit at a time.
“It started early, Jay. As soon as I thought I might be going to Hell, I started to lose hope. I lost hope, I lost my faith. I didn’t start to gain either back until that day you showed me the calendar and how close we were.” Jensen shrugged, his next thought just coming to him. “I guess it was easier for me. I was setting myself up for it, you know? It’s easier to face death when you don’t have any hope or faith at all than to have it, and then have it ripped away from you at the last second. At least, that was what I thought then.”
“But you changed.”
“Yeah.” Jensen nodded again, continuing on in the same vein, hoping he wouldn’t have to talk about that particular night at that particular moment. “See, I told myself that there was no hope, and that I’d be dead long before Comic Con. I wasn’t even paying attention to time or dates, because I’d already written myself off. But when I saw that we were only a couple days away, it just all hit me, you know? Like a fuckin’ ton of bricks. I know how stupid it was, Jay,” he said, eyeing Jared. “Believe me, I do. Especially now.”
“It might’ve been stupid in some ways, but you said you had reasons,” Jared said. “I know it’s over now, but I’m still just trying to understand it. You’re not stupid, Jensen. Not even when times are that bad. I mean, ‘reasons’ goes beyond just hopelessness, right?”
Jensen looked away, not sure if he was ready for this part just yet. He wasn’t sure how Jared would react to how much sense it had made in Jensen’s head at the time. He’d really gone a long way to convince himself that it was the right thing to do, and he didn’t want Jared thinking that he was crazy enough to try it again. He knew that Jared had trusted him enough to leave him and go to Hawaii, to be alone with his parents, and to start handling sharp objects again. But would telling Jared everything that had gone through his head change that? And how would Jared react to Jensen using him as one of his reasons?
“We don’t have to talk about it now,” Jared said, his hand resting comfortably on Jensen’s knee. “It’s okay, I won’t rush you.”
“Maybe tonight?” Jensen asked, the words out of his mouth before he could second guess them. Nervous butterflies were already flitting around in his stomach at the thought of opening up so soon.
“If you’re ready.”
He wasn’t ready. And Jared didn’t ask. Jared was letting Jensen come to him in his own time, which spoke volumes about how much Jared had grown over their time apart, and Jensen knew it. He was glad to know he still had any amount of Jared’s trust, knowing how easily he could’ve lost it all and never gained it back.
“I thought it would be better for everyone else,” Jensen blurted out the next day in his trailer, Jared momentarily pausing before he threw his next dart, and Jensen knew that Jared knew what he was talking about without even asking. From being so close, they had the ability to pick up random conversations at random times of random days in such a random way that any outsider would have no fucking idea what was going on if they happened to be listening in.
“Why would you think that?” Jared asked, taking aim with another dart.
“Because when the Hellhounds got me, everyone would think I was murdered, and it would cause a huge stir, and possibly innocent people would be arrested.” Jared dropped his arm to his side and turned at stared at him blankly, and Jensen gulped. “I was really thinking ahead,” Jensen said sarcastically, smiling a little, so maybe Jared wouldn’t think he was completely insane.
“I can see that.” Jared turned, taking aim again. “Looking into the future, huh?”
“A bit.” Jensen cleared his throat, looking down at his hands, speaking his next words carefully. “I didn’t want my parents to spend the rest of their lives looking for an invisible killer. And I didn’t want you to be a suspect.”
Jared faltered, his arm jerking as if to throw the dart, then dropping to his side again, as if he wasn’t sure how to act; whether or not to show how thrown off he was, or keep acting nonchalant. Jensen stayed quiet, his heart beating a little bit faster. That was it: his first hint that Jared had been a part of this. He hoped to God he wasn’t hurting Jared as much as he thought he was.
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Jared came home the next night in desperate need of touching Jensen. He’d had Jensen slowly drawing back the curtain on his psyche the past few days, and he’d managed to snag a copy of the dailies from the week before, when he’d been away in Hawaii. And Dean crying to a young Mary Winchester was just more than he could handle.
“Broke my fucking heart, Jen,” Jared panted, tackling Jensen to the couch just after they’d walked through the door, his hand already down Jensen’s pants, stroking him. “Broke my fucking heart.”
“Just…acting,” Jensen breathed, thrusting up into Jared’s hand. “Unh…Bedroom.”
Jared nodded, and they climbed the stairs together, groping and shedding clothing along the way, laughing when Jared tripped while trying to walk and discard his pants at the same time. It surprised him a little when he ended up on his back, Jensen pinning him to the bed, but the wicked smile on Jensen’s face was a promise of things to come, and a thrill ran through his body, Jensen slowly moving down…down…down. Hot breath ghosted over his cock, and Jared nearly melted into the mattress. Jensen’s voice drifted up to his ears, low and throaty, Jensen’s fingers taking hold of Jared’s cock.
“Ready to call it even, Jay?”
Jared was pretty much past talking, answering with a grunt that he guessed Jensen took as an affirmative, because the next thing he knew, Jensen’s tongue was licking a hot, wet stripe from the base of his cock to the tip, dipping into the slit and tasting him. Jared gasped and gripped the sheets, hips jolting upward.
“Down, boy,” he heard Jensen say, Jensen’s free hand pressing down on his right hip in an attempt to keep him steady. Jared suddenly thought about asking Jensen whether or not he’d ever done this before. As far as he knew, Jensen hadn’t. But, upon lifting his head to look down at Jensen, who looked back up at him with dark eyes as he held his cock and gently took the tip in his mouth, Jared realized it really didn’t fucking matter whether or not Jensen had done this before. It only mattered that he was doing it now, to him.
Jared’s lips broke open on a moan as Jensen’s lips closed around the head of his dick, tongue caressing it as he sucked lightly, and Jared forced himself not to thrust up into Jensen’s mouth, as tempting as it was. It was experimental and slow at first, but Jared was just fine with that. The longer this lasted, the happier Jared would be. Wet heat was slowly moving further and further down his shaft as Jensen’s head began to bob over him, hand still firmly gripping the base, and Jared was suddenly reminded that it was this thought that had made him come the first time he’d realized he was attracted to Jensen. He jerked a little, and both of Jensen’s hands were on his hips now, holding him down.
Jensen was moving faster and harder, tongue swirling, gaining confidence, and when Jensen groaned in the back of his throat, Jared felt the vibrations in his dick, his eyes fluttering closed as pleasure coursed through his body. It felt so different, Jensen sucking him. Then again, it felt different when they kissed, too. Jared hadn’t expected it, but everything was different with Jensen. Everything was rougher, stronger, harder, and more animalistic. He found himself wondering what the fuck he was even thinking blocking himself off from a relationship with Jensen, when he realized he’d been missing out on this.
Jared instinctively bucked his hips when Jensen let one hand travel down his balls, tugging and rolling them in his fingers. He looked down as he did it, ready to pull back and apologize, but Jensen just fucking took it, prepared for it, and swallowed around him when he hit the back of Jensen’s throat. Jared’s head fell back on the pillow, mouth open, and he couldn’t help the way his body arched, Jensen suddenly taking him at a frantic pace, tongue, lips, and jaw working in a way Jared had never felt before. Jensen was swallowing down as much as he could, moaning incessantly around Jared, and Jared felt himself hit the back of Jensen’s throat a couple more times, Jensen’s fingers still stroking his balls.
“Jensen,” Jared croaked, eyes squeezing shut as he felt the pressure building in his body. “Jen…gonna…gonna…”
Jensen’s hands went back to his hips, holding him down forcefully, enough to bruise. Jared expected him to pull off, but he didn’t, still sucking and moaning, and Jared’s whole body tensed and shook as he came in Jensen’s mouth
“Fuck!” he cried out, fingers twisting angrily in the sheets, as he felt Jensen pulling it out of him, taking everything he had to offer into his throat and swallowing it down. Jensen finally let him slip from his mouth when his body sagged into the bed. He looked down when he heard a few hoarse coughs, a bit concerned, but then Jensen was lifting up and kneeling on the bed, hand wrapping around the base of his hard cock, and Jared noticed a wet spot on the bed where Jensen had been rutting against the mattress.
“Jesus,” Jensen groaned, gripping himself tight, and Jared knew how he felt, remembering how close he’d gotten just jerking Jensen off after they’d found out they’d beaten the Hellhounds.
“Come here,” Jared said, voice low, immediately catching Jensen’s attention. Jensen’s eyes closed, and his hand started to move. “No!” Jared snapped lifting up onto his elbows, and Jensen forced himself to stop, focusing pleading eyes on Jared. “Don’t do it yourself. Come here.” Jensen crawled up the bed towards him, and Jared gripped him and moved him until they were lying face to face on their sides next to each other. “Wanna help you,” Jared whispered, and he slung an arm over Jensen’s body, pulling him close, and moved downward, still on his side and facing Jensen, pausing every so often to kiss and taste the sweat on Jensen’s skin as he went, Jensen groaning above him.
He had no idea what he was doing, had never done this before, but when he came face to face with Jensen’s dick, he did the first thing that came to mind, his tongue flicking out and licking at the wetness he could see on the tip. It was new and different, but it was Jensen, and Jensen’s hand immediately settled on the back of his head, eventually coming around to caress his jaw. Jared licked Jensen’s shaft a few times before finally taking Jensen into his mouth, his lips spreading around Jensen’s cock. They were both still on their sides, Jared’s hand resting on Jensen’s hip, and Jared knew he’d put himself in a position where Jensen had more control over this. Jensen’s fingers slid into the hair at the base of his skull, behind his ear, and he sent a tentative thrust into Jared’s mouth, breath hitching.
“Jare,” Jensen moaned, pausing, and Jared knew it was because Jensen wasn’t going to last long. Jared simply pressed his fingers into Jensen’s hip and moaned, urging him on. He wanted this, more than he ever thought he would.
Jensen started thrusting slowly, short thrusts that Jared could take over his tongue as he swirled it around, hearing Jensen gasp. With each thrust, Jensen’s hand slid in and out of Jared’s hair, and Jesus, suddenly this was so intimate. Jared took it, welcomed it, licked and swallowed as Jensen moved in and out of his mouth. It only took a few more thrusts, the last one reaching deeper than the others, Jared resisting the slight gagging feeling coming on, and suddenly Jensen’s hand was tight in his hair, yanking it, his warmth flooding Jared’s mouth. Jared swallowed rapidly, feeling lightheaded with the sound of Jensen’s hitched breathing and broken moans, the taste of Jensen’s come slipping over his tongue.
Jensen’s hand relaxed in his hair, and Jared moved back up the bed, smirking at Jensen before turning over, his back to him. Jensen came up behind him, arms wrapping around him, snuggling up close, cock twitching against Jared’s body in one last aftershock, and drew in a sharp breath.
“You smug bastard.”
Jared grinned.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jensen didn’t know why it was that night that he decided to spill everything. He didn’t know why he waited until they were both happy, sexually sated, Jensen wrapped around Jared with a hand over Jared’s steady heartbeat, to make Jared understand the pain he’d gone through. It was just one more of those times when he was speaking before he even realized it. He really needed to work on controlling his tongue.
“I have a confession to make,” he said, and he tightened his grip on Jared when he felt Jared start to turn over to face him, nerves hitting him again. “No, no. Please, just…stay. Just stay like this. It’ll be easier. Shh,” Jensen soothed, noting the change in Jared’s posture. He stroked his hand gently over Jared’s chest and planted a kiss in the crook of his neck. “Just hear me out, okay?” Jared’s hand reached up to link their fingers together over his chest, and Jensen sighed, closing his eyes before beginning. “When I tried,” Jensen started, and Jared immediately tensed, Jensen kissing his shoulder in response. He knew Jared didn’t even want to hear the words “to kill myself” at the end of that sentence; didn’t even want to think about them. He started over, making sure to leave those words out. “When I tried…I was at this point where I was only living for you. You were it, Jay. You were my only reason. I lied to you, and I acted around you. But I thought that I was doing it for you. I wanted you to be happy, and to be able to tell yourself you’d done everything to save me, so that you wouldn’t feel guilty after I’d died, and you’d be able to move on. I wanted you to believe that I believed, so that you’d never have to feel bad about yourself.”
“If you were living for me,” Jared spoke quietly, “Then why did you stop? Why did you do it?”
“Because of you,” Jensen said quietly, and Jared’s body heaved in what could only be conceived as a quiet sob. Jensen mentally cursed himself. “No, no, Jay, that’s not what I meant. Please, that’s not what I meant at all.” He kissed Jared’s shoulder again, gripping Jared’s fingers and rubbing their hands over Jared’s chest. “I thought I was hurting you. I mean, I thought a million different things. I thought about how much it made sense, because nobody wanted to die being ripped apart by Hellhounds, and maybe I could avoid going to Hell if I did it before they got me. But that wasn’t what pushed me. Jared, I was only living for you, but then I realized how much I’d messed up. You started talking about me moving in here after we’d made it past Comic Con and the threat was over, and I knew I’d faked too much. And then you were giving up everything because of me. You couldn’t have fun and have your own life, because you were too busy worrying about me. I was a burden. I was hurting you. And that night, I…”
“What?” Jared whispered, and Jensen could tell from the sound of his voice that he was crying.
“I had this dream,” Jensen continued, shivering when he thought about it, pictured it behind closed eyes. “Fucking nightmare. You came into the bedroom to check on me, and all of a sudden, my time was up. This Hellhound was coming for me, and you tried to protect me.” Jensen tightened his hold on Jared, shaking, his own tears threatening to spill. This was the first time he’d ever talked about what he’d seen in his dreams that night, and it still hurt like nothing else ever did. “When you did that…you got in the way. And it killed you, Jared.” Jensen’s voice broke, a few tears spilling onto Jared’s skin. “It just fucking killed you, just so it could get to me. I watched it happen, and I couldn’t stop it. There was so much blood everywhere, and you were screaming, and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t stop it.” He was crying against Jared’s shoulder, knew that Jared was crying with him, and had to take a moment before he could speak again. “The last thing I saw was your body, just lying there, all torn up, and I couldn’t take it, Jay. It was all my fault. You were dead, and it was because of me. And that was it. That was the last straw for me. I already knew I was hurting you, ruining your life, and then…then I thought that I’d been wrong all along. I thought I’d been living for you, but, in reality, if I chose to stay alive, I was killing you. And I couldn’t let that happen, Jared. I couldn’t. You have to understand. I was already so lost, already felt so worthless, and then seeing you die for me? It was too much…too much.”
Jared broke free of his hold and turned to face him, immediately kissing him, and all Jensen could taste was the salt of their tears.
“I’m sorry, Jared,” Jensen breathed when Jared let him go. “I’m sorry. I know it was stupid, and it was just a dream, and I shouldn’t have done it. I know I was wrong. God, I know that now. You were right. I should’ve believed you. I should’ve believed in you. But I just got so fucked up. And I shouldn’t have used you as an excuse for an easy way out. You didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry.”
“Stop,” Jared said, wrapping around him. “Just stop. No more. No more apologies, no more feeling bad about ourselves, and no more fucking crying. I get it. I understand it now. And I can’t blame you. I think about it sometimes, Jen, and I realize just how fucking strong you were. Maybe you didn’t feel strong, and maybe you messed up and got lost. But anyone would. I think about it, and I think about what it would’ve been like if it were me in your shoes, and I don’t think I could’ve done what you did. Shit, even that night, you still hesitated. The water was fucking ice in that shower. On some level, you were still hanging on, and that’s fucking amazing, Jen, you know that? So many people wouldn’t have made it, and you did. Even now, with your parents, and everything you’re telling me…you’re handling this in a way that most people couldn’t. So just stop. Don’t be sorry. Not anymore. You don’t have to be. As far as I’m concerned, you’re the most amazing fucking person on the planet right now, and I am so fucking proud of you, Jen. So proud.”
“Love you,” Jensen said, closing his eyes at the feel of Jared’s limbs wrapped around him, Jared cuddled up against his chest. There wasn’t much else he could say besides that, and they fell into a peaceful silence. The air was clear between them, and they still had each other, clinging to each other like they always had. They fell asleep tangled and woke up the same way, the connection between them stronger than ever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“What the hell is this?”
Jared came down the stairs yawning that Saturday, Jensen actually up before him, which was a rare occurrence.
“What the hell is what?” he asked, kissing Jensen and going to grab himself some cereal.
“Looks like I got a package from Chad,” Jensen replied, face screwed up in confusion. Jared froze. He’d forgotten to tell Jensen that he’d told Chad about them. Shit. Jensen tore open the package and read the card he found inside out loud. “Hey, Sugar Daddy, congratulations. Hope you’re taking good care of my boy. P.S.: I’ve been after that ass for years. Love, Chad.” Jensen glanced at Jared, a look Jared wasn’t sure how to decipher, and then reached inside the box on the dining room table. Jared’s mouth fell open when Jensen pulled out a giant pink double-ended dildo and an equally giant tube of lube. Jensen paused before looking at Jared again. “What the fuck is this?” he asked, voice hard, as he held the items up in his hands.
“Oh…wow…Jensen, I-I,” Jared stuttered, faltering under Jensen’s suddenly angry gaze. “Dude…I meant to tell you, I just forgot! And I didn’t even tell Chad! I swear! He just figured it out on his own!”
Jensen’s lips twitched, and then all of a sudden Jensen was losing it, laughing his ass off and practically falling onto the floor. Jared stood there for a minute, stunned, the sound of Jensen’s laughter catching him by surprise. But it wasn’t long before he joined in, never able to resist when Jensen laughed like that, the same way he did when Jared had ripped his pants back in the second year of filming. It was the best laugh Jared had ever heard, and he’d almost forgotten what it had sounded like, not having heard it since the whole mess with the Hellhounds started.
“You told Chad, huh?” Jensen said, finally catching his breath, still planted on the floor. “Oh, man. This is the funniest shit I’ve ever seen. Remind me to thank him later. Well…you know…right after I shove this up your ass.”
“Yeah, in your dreams, dude,” Jared laughed. “Besides, I think the whole point of that is to have it shoved up both our asses.”
“Chad.” Jensen shook his head, still smiling, and stood back up, placing the items back in the box.
“Dude!” Jared protested, and Jensen looked over at him. “Don’t put them both away! We can still use the lube!”
“Really?” Jensen asked, raising an eyebrow, and Jared felt the color rise to his cheeks. They hadn’t gone that far yet, hadn’t even talked about it, and now… “We could use it now,” Jensen offered, seemingly nonchalant. “But, you know, I’ll let you eat your cereal first.”
Jared wasn’t hungry at all anymore. Again, he had no idea what he was doing, but he’d be damned if he wasn’t going to do it. He made his way over to Jensen, reaching up and slowly sliding Jensen’s glasses off before kissing him thoroughly. He dropped the glasses on the table next to the box and stepped away.
“Fuck cereal,” he said. “I can always eat later.” Jensen looked at him in mock surprise.
“I never thought I’d see the day that you refused food, Jared. You feeling okay?”
“I’m fuckin’ horny, and when you’re standing in front of me like that, sex comes before food.” Harley ran to the back door and barked, and Jared groaned. These dogs had the worst timing ever.
“I’ll just take this upstairs.” Jensen held up the lube and grinned. “Let me know when Harley’s done taking a shit.”
“Son of a bitch!” Jared cursed, heading to the door to let the dogs out, hearing Jensen laughing as he slowly made his way up the stairs. “Come on, come on,” Jared chanted, bouncing impatiently on the balls of his feet as he watched his dogs mill around the backyard. “Damnit, just do it! THANK YOU!”
He let the dogs back in and shut the door, and when he turned to head back through the house, he saw clothes all over the floor. Jensen’s clothes. That he’d just been wearing. On the floor. Leading to the stairs. Jared stripped immediately, wasting no time, and stumbled up the stairs and into the bedroom, met with the sight of a stark naked Jensen, back to him, facing the nightstand, where Jensen had placed the lube and some condoms, looking a bit unsure of himself. Condoms. Shit. He was about to make a crack about Jensen being a boy scout in a previous life, and how maybe Dean should dress up as one in the next episode, when he noticed something entirely wrong with this picture. He came up behind Jensen and kissed the back of his neck, smiling a little when Jensen jolted slightly in surprise.
“You don’t need these anymore,” he whispered in Jensen’s ear, and he felt Jensen shudder when Jared’s hot breath blew over his skin. Before Jensen could ask what he was talking about, Jared was running fingertips down the length of Jensen’s arm, pushing at the bracelet on Jensen’s wrist, rolling it off until it made an audible thump on the floor. He heard Jensen gasp slightly, knew it must have felt strange to have the things he’d relied on for protection for so long suddenly taken off of his body. They’d practically become a part of Jensen. Jared hadn’t even noticed that they shouldn’t be there until now.
He repeated the process with Jensen’s other arm, hearing the bracelet hit the floor, and pausing over Jensen’s wrist, his fingers placed lightly over the pulse he found there. It quickened beneath his fingertips, and Jensen’s breath heaved, Jensen leaning his head back onto Jared’s shoulder, lips parted and eyes closed.
“You’re safe now,” Jared breathed, nuzzling into Jensen’s neck. “You don’t need these anymore.” He opened his mouth, teeth grazing lightly over the skin of Jensen’s neck before closing over the necklace placed around it. He bit down hard and yanked as hard as he could, the necklace breaking and falling away. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he thanked God that that worked the way it did, because it would’ve been a lot less sexier if he’d ended up just choking Jensen or chipping a tooth. He turned his head back to Jensen’s neck, licking and sucking at the pulse he could feel pounding rapidly, his fingers still resting on the pulse point in Jensen’s wrist.
“Jared,” Jensen gasped, threading his fingers through Jared’s hair. “Jesus.”
Jared moved, feeling like his body was on fire, and trailed the tip of his tongue halfway down Jensen’s spine, all too pleased with himself when he felt Jensen shiver. He knelt down on the floor behind Jensen, running his hand down Jensen’s leg to the anklet placed there, Jensen lifting his foot slightly so Jared could pull it off, repeating the process with the opposite leg. He placed his hands on Jensen’s hips and looked up at the body above him. Naked. Completely naked, now. No more barriers. Jensen was free.
Jared moved his hands down, cupping Jensen’s ass, suddenly realizing his face was mere inches away from it. Jensen shifted a little, and Jared looked up again, searching for any signs of tension or discomfort, but there were none. He turned his eyes back to the sight in front of him, completely unsure of what he was doing, and just going with every gut feeling he had. He used his hands to part Jensen’s ass, eyes zeroing in on the hole in front of him, and the wave of lust that hit him was nearly overwhelming. He moved closer, driven by the force of it, and felt like he was in a daze, almost on autopilot, his brain unable to comprehend anything more than the need pulsing through his body. He opened his mouth, letting his breath blow over that spot, and he heard Jensen gasp in surprise, breath hitching. Suddenly, he was moving even closer, closing his eyes and letting his tongue flick out of his mouth, licking over Jensen. He felt the muscle there contract, felt Jensen buck forward but settle back again, and he gripped Jensen harder, tongue flitting out repeatedly, circling and tasting, just barely pushing in. Jensen was making noises that went straight to Jared’s dick, and Jared reached around to feel for Jensen’s cock as he continued rimming him, pressing his tongue in further whenever he could, surprised to find Jensen damn near rock hard.
Jared pulled back when he felt Jensen’s legs start shaking and wiped his mouth on the back of his hand. He placed both hands back on Jensen, opening him up again, and ran a thumb over Jensen’s slick entrance. Jensen made a low sound of approval, and Jared slowly stood, moving his index finger to flirt with Jensen’s hole, rubbing around it and teasing it, feeling it give a little when he pressed in. He held onto Jensen with his other hand, stabilizing him, erection pressing into Jensen’s hip.
“Jensen. Jen,” Jared groaned, his head on Jensen’s shoulder, biting at Jensen’s earlobe. “Wanna…” It was amazing, the way he couldn’t even form words correctly, the sudden need to be inside Jensen now, now, now consuming him completely. And yet, he hadn’t thought he’d be the first to do this. After feeling Jensen on top of him, thrusting against him, and feeling the tentative but sure glide of Jensen’s dick in his mouth, he’d found himself way past curious about what it would feel like to have Jensen fuck him. But it was like a switch had been flipped inside of him, and he suddenly craved Jensen more than he ever had anything in his life, pre-come already spilling over his dick.
“Gonna fuck me, Jay?” Jensen asked, voice rough and raw, and he pressed back against Jared’s finger.
“Yeah,” was all Jared could manage. “Yeah.” He finally collected himself enough to conjure up three more words. “On the bed.”
“How do you want me?” Jared gripped himself, tight, not expecting the question, and how fucking hot was that coming from Jensen’s mouth?
“Knees,” Jared forced out, and Jensen started moving away. “Hands and knees.”
He watched as Jensen did what he was told, climbing onto the bed and settling himself on all fours, head hanging submissively between his shoulders, hard cock jutting out beneath him. Jared had never seen anything more beautiful in his life. Jared grabbed for the lube and the condoms and moved behind Jensen on the bed, dropping the items beside him. He laid a hand on the small of Jensen’s back, and felt Jensen flinch a little, a slight tremble beneath his fingers, and he suddenly realized the enormity of what they were about to do.
“Nervous, Jen?” he asked quietly, and Jensen’s head lifted and twisted towards him, looking back at him over his shoulder.
“Trust you,” was all Jensen said, smiling shyly, and Jared leaned forward, moving his hand and kissing Jensen’s back. “Do it.” Jensen dropped his head back down again. “Fuck me.”
Jared fumbled with the lube before popping it open. It figured that he would get clumsy now. He coated his fingers with a liberal amount of it, pressing the tip of one against Jensen, feeling Jensen clench beneath it. He steadied himself, kneeling behind Jensen, one hand on Jensen’s hip, as he rubbed over Jensen’s hole gently, eventually pressing the tip of his finger in. He pushed past the bit of resistance he found there, groaning at how tight Jensen was, and paid close attention to Jensen’s breathing and posture. He slid his finger in and out a few times, eventually driving it deeper, and heard Jensen grunt, pushing back against him. He watched as Jensen’s body relaxed, as Jensen rocked back onto him repeatedly, and held onto Jensen while he added another finger, Jensen inhaling sharply.
“Fuck!” Jensen suddenly cried out, Jared driving his fingers in deep on an angle, and Jared was almost afraid that he’d hurt him. “Again,” Jensen pleaded. “Do it again.” It wasn’t until Jensen was moaning and fucking himself on three of Jared’s fingers that Jared reached for the condom, hurriedly ripping it open with his teeth and sliding it on, adding a bit of lube.
“Jen...”
“Do it,” Jensen repeated, voice strained.
Jared removed his fingers and lined himself up with Jensen’s hole, guiding himself in with one hand. He gasped at the feel of Jensen opening up and then squeezing around him, holding back and taking his time sliding in, resting his head between Jensen’s shoulder blades when he’d finally made it all the way.
“Oh, fuck, Jared.”
“Jensen,” Jared breathed, squeezing his eyes shut and restraining himself. “Are you okay?”
His only answer was Jensen pushing back into him, and Jared groaned loudly, pulling back and thrusting in with a snap of his hips. Jensen moaned and fell forward, sliding down onto his elbows, ass still pushing back up to meet Jared. Jared planted his hands down on either side of Jensen’s body, pulling back and thrusting again, dimly aware of a guttural groan forcing its way out of his throat. They moved together, Jared pressing in deeper with each thrust, Jensen pressing back against him. Jared knew he wasn’t going to last, letting himself go, fucking Jensen hard and fast, hips moving at a frantic pace. He moved one hand up and under Jensen’s body, wrapping his fingers around Jensen’s cock and jerking it, Jensen nearly shouting his approval, bucking forward into the hot grip of Jared’s fingers, still wet with lube. He heard Jensen muttering his name over and over again, heard his own voice grow louder in response, and he thrusted hard, rotating his hips and pumping Jensen’s cock, and suddenly Jensen was crying out and clenching around him, body stiff and shaking as he came over Jared’s fingers. Jared wasn’t far behind, two more driving thrusts sending him falling forward onto Jensen, hips jerking helplessly as he filled the condom.
They collapsed on the bed, Jensen groaning beneath Jared, and Jared reached down to grip the base of his dick, pulling out of Jensen with a grunt and quickly discarding the condom. He fell onto Jensen again, trying desperately to catch his breath, and finally rolled off of Jensen when he realized Jensen was trying to do the same. Jensen shifted uncomfortably, and Jared realized he was probably lying there in his own come. He grabbed Jensen, pulling him over close on the bed, and Jensen flopped limply, falling half on Jared and half beside him.
“Y’alright?” Jared drawled tiredly, pressing a chaste kiss to Jensen’s lips.
“Mmm,” Jensen grunted. “Where the fuck d’you learn to do all that?”
“I didn’t,” Jared laughed. “I just kinda did what came naturally.”
“Yeah, well,” Jensen stretched and kissed Jared back, “I came, naturally.” Jared’s laugh turned into a yawn, and he was glad that this was a Saturday, and they had nowhere to be except here, in bed, with each other. “Now I really have to thank Chad later.”
“Well, he thinks you were taking my ass, so I’m sure he’ll be surprised when he hears it was the other way around,” Jared said, smirking. Jensen kissed him again, nipping at his bottom lip.
“I’ll get you next time, asshole.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jensen hadn’t counted on next time being so soon. It was funny, he used to hate mornings with a passion, preferring to sleep through them. But now? Now that he was in a relationship with Jared, mornings almost always meant sex. He was beginning to enjoy the sun peeking through the curtains in the bedroom, the dogs barking to be fed. Because he knew that, when he woke up, he’d probably be treated to an orgasm. Or two.
The morning after Jared had fucked him, Jensen suddenly found himself working Jared open with the lube Chad had sent them, and man did Jensen owe that man a trip to Hawaii. Jared was writhing beneath him, taking his fingers and begging for more. And then Jared’s legs were wrapping around him and he was thrusting inside, barely giving Jared time to adjust before doing it again. He didn’t know what he’d expected this to be like, but he hadn’t expected Jared to feel so perfect around him, or for Jared to be clawing at his back like a fucking animal and biting down on his shoulder, which only made him fuck Jared harder. And nothing gave him more satisfaction than seeing Jared arch unexpectedly beneath him, coming even before Jensen could snake a hand between their bodies to jack him as they fucked. He smiled smugly after he’d finished and pulled out, lying down beside Jared, Jared halfheartedly punching him in the arm.
“We should clean up,” Jensen said, looking down at their bodies and then catching Jared’s eye. “You really made a mess.”
Jared punched him again. And Jensen started thinking that maybe the dildo Chad had given him wasn’t such a gag gift, after all.
They read over the next script together, laughing at how ridiculous it was. Jensen shook his head, knowing he’d be hoarse for the next week. There was no way they’d be able to get through these scenes without Jared laughing through a bunch of takes, which was why he tried to prepare beforehand, cornering Jared in his trailer before they started shooting the next day.
“Okay,” Jensen said, maneuvering Jared over towards the mini fridge in the trailer. The dogs watched them curiously. “I know you’re gonna be hysterical on set, so how ‘bout you just get all this out of your system now? That fridge?” He pointed to it. “That’s the locker you’re gonna open.” Jared smirked, but nodded. “On three, ready? One…Two…Three!”
Jared flung the fridge door open, and Jensen screamed like a goddamn woman, reminding himself of the scream Jared had pulled off while they were shooting Jus In Bello the season before, the dogs barking in response. Jared immediately collapsed onto the trailer floor, body jumping with laughter, hardly able to breathe. Jensen couldn’t help but laugh with him, startled by a sudden knock on the trailer door. He opened it to find one of the crew members standing there, looking concerned.
“Everything okay in here? I thought I heard screaming.”
Jensen heard Jared cackling behind him and doubled over in laughter himself, confusing the hell out of the man standing in front of him.
“No, we’re fine,” Jensen assured him, gasping for breath. “Seriously, dude, we’re fine. Thanks.” He closed the door and turned back to Jared, who was still giggling on the floor, the fridge door hanging open. “Maybe practicing is a bad idea.”
They filmed the scream, and Jared still cracked up, and Jensen still wound up hoarse, but the episode was so much fun to shoot that it really didn’t matter. Even though Jensen’s throat hurt, this felt good, the two of them up to their same old shenanigans on a set that felt like home. This season was a blast now that he was out of the woods, and he was glad to know that the ratings were high enough to carry them on for one more. Feeling completely on top of his game, Jensen even went for an impromptu performance of “Eye of the Tiger” when Jared purposely missed his cue to bring Dean out of his personal jam session in the Impala. It was the highlight of the week, the director promising to make Jensen famous for it, and Jared laughing hysterically for about ten minutes. Jared grabbed Jensen afterwards, pulling him off to the side, speaking quietly, still smiling from the stunt he’d just seen Jensen pull.
“Who’re you living for now, Jen?”
Jensen knew why Jared was asking, knew that Jared wanted him to be happy and enjoy his own life after admitting that Jared had been his sole reason for living just before his suicide attempt. Jensen grinned back at him with unbridled joy, and realized the truth of his words as he was saying them.
“Myself. I’m living for myself.”
He could see Jared holding himself back from wrapping him up in a hug, and knew that this was how he should’ve handled things all along. He couldn’t base the relevance of his life solely on the needs of another person. He had to be invested in the things he was doing, in being alive himself, and in realizing that he had a purpose. And he was now, happier than he’d ever been, realizing just how important it was for him to acknowledge that change.
They flew into LA that weekend, Jensen seeking out the friends he’d ignored over the past months, hoping he hadn’t lost them completely. But his life was coming back to him in full force, and it wasn’t long before he and Jared were seated at a bar, surrounded by the gang Jensen had known for years, Jared coming to know them gradually as he got to know Jensen. It did surprise him a little when Danneel showed up and approached him, though he knew it shouldn’t have. She was a part of this group of friends, too, and it was only natural that they would see each other again at some point. Jared was busy wrapped up in a conversation with one of the guys, but Jensen knew that he’d noticed her, too, when his elbow discreetly bumped Jensen’s in a show of moral support. An apology was already on his lips when Danneel walked to up to him, but he paused when she simply smiled at him and rubbed a comforting hand along on his arm.
“You okay?” she asked, and Jensen knew that the talk about him had probably intensified and spread before it had stopped.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he replied, looking back at her. “What about you?”
“I’m fine,” she said, her smile slowly fading. “And I’m sorry. I should’ve known something was really bothering you, and I should’ve been more understanding.”
“What?” Jensen blurted out, genuinely surprised. “No! No, no, no, don’t do that. Don’t do that to yourself. What happened between us was my fault, Danny, and I accept that. I was a shitty boyfriend, and you had every right to kick my ass to the curb. I don’t blame you for that.”
“Well, I still want you to know that I’m sorry,” she insisted. “And I’m sorry that it took his long for us to talk again.”
“Me too,” Jensen admitted quietly. Danneel looked up at him shyly, hands stuffed in the pockets of her jeans.
“Can we still be friends?”
“Well,” Jensen reached back and set his empty beer down on the bar, “I’m sure you’ll be seeing my ugly mug around here, anyway, so I don’t see why not.” They smiled at each other, and Jensen was glad this was happening; that he’d somehow managed to fix all the relationships he’d broken.
“Are you…?” Danneel trailed off, her voice low, and her head tilted in a slight nod towards Jared. Jensen felt nervous for all of five seconds, but his mood refused to change. He figured his friends would all find out sooner or later. It wasn’t like he was keeping Jared a secret. He nodded, and her smile grew as she leaned forward and hugged him. “That’s great. I’m glad you’re happy. And that you’re okay.” She pulled back and stared at him for a few seconds, hand resting gently on his arm again. “It’s good to finally see you again, Jensen.”
“It’s good to see you, too.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam’s powers were a bitch to act out. Especially when Jensen was standing off camera making fun of the faces Jared was making while Sam was using them. Jared found that out when he was exorcising Samhain, Jensen’s head popping up in the background. One glance over at him, and Jensen was mimicking Sam’s painful concentration expressions with such a goofy twist that Jared couldn’t help but laugh. Sam cracking up in the middle of exorcising a demon didn’t really work in a scene. Jared just hoped that none of that showed in the actual episode, and that he’d somehow managed to make Sam look as badass as he was supposed to.
“Dude, you looked constipated,” Jensen laughed, poking fun at Jared as they walked off the set.
“Yes, Jensen, that’s exactly why my nose was bleeding,” Jared commented sarcastically.
“I know, man. That must be one massive shit Sam has to take.” Jared shoved him. “What?” Jensen asked innocently. “I’m just sayin’! I feel bad for the guy! Why do you think Dean looked so sad?”
“Because his brother’s gonna kill him,” Jared snapped. “Admit it, Sam’s so much more badass than Dean is now.”
“Yeah, you might be right about that. You’re exorcising demons with your mind, and I’m screaming at kittens.”
“And wearing lederhosen,” Jared added, chuckling at the memory.
“This is true.” Jensen nodded solemnly, then began shaking his head. “Oh, Dean. Dean, Dean, Dean.”
“I’m glad you’re happy, Jensen,” Jared said, bumping shoulders with him. “It’s been nice seeing you like this again.”
“Funny,” Jensen replied, looking thoughtful, “Danneel said the same thing.”
“She did?” Jared had meant to ask about the full extent of Jensen’s conversation with Danneel, but had never gotten around to it.
“Yeah, right after I told her about us.” That never failed to make Jared grin like an idiot. “Good to know so many people feel that way. I mean, I’m lucky, you know?”
“A lot of people care about you, Jensen. And it has nothing to do with luck.” Jensen ducked his head shyly and shrugged. The man may have realized his self worth, but he still didn’t take compliments very well. He was still incredibly modest. Jared loved it. “While we’re on the subject of past loves,” Jared started, catching Jensen’s attention, “Sandy sends her best. She says we make a great team.”
“Yeah? You talked to her?”
“I did.” Jared nodded, happy that they’d both been able to settle things with their exes. “Just recently. We were friends before everything, and it’s not like we had a big fight or anything, so…”
“So, it’s not like you can’t be friends now,” Jensen finished, patting Jared’s shoulder. “I get it. So, our friends and family know. About us, I mean. We still keeping work out of it? I don’t mind, either way. Just asking.”
“Actually, I still haven’t told my family,” Jared answered, feeling a little bad for letting Jensen shoulder that responsibility without having done it himself. “I just feel like I wanna do it in person, you know?”
“Fair enough. I was able to look my mama in the eye and tell her, so you should, too.”
“Damn,” Jared muttered as they reached their trailers, shaking his head in disbelief, the moment hitting him with a poignancy he hadn’t felt before.
“What?”
“Nothing, it’s just…Do you believe this?” he asked, motioning between him and Jensen. “I dunno, I’m just having one of these moments where I’m like, ‘How did I get here?’ A few years ago, we’d been working on the same network and had never even heard of each other, and we were both dating beautiful women, because we were pretty damn sure we were straight as arrows. Now here we are, best fuckin’ friends, working on a show that keeps growing with a crew that feels like fuckin’ family, and we’re…us. We’re together, man.”
“You’re just realizing this now?” Jensen playfully shoved him up the steps to his trailer. “You’ve become quite acquainted with my dick, Jare. Figured that might be a clue about where our relationship was headed.”
“I know that,” Jared said, entering his trailer and rolling his eyes, patting his dogs as he walked in. “It’s just,” he reached into his fridge, grabbing a couple beers and handing one to Jensen, “Think back to what your life was like then. Did you ever think you’d end up here, like this, with me?”
“No,” Jensen said honestly, popping his beer open with Dean’s ring and lifting the bottle towards Jared. “And I gotta say, I don’t know where my head is at.” Jared smirked and clinked their bottles together, both of them taking a swig afterwards.
“It’s just crazy how things change, you know?” Jared took a seat, settling in comfortably. “So unexpected.” He paused, suddenly realizing what his words could mean. If this change in their relationship was so unexpected, he guessed it was always possible for it to change again. But he didn’t think it would.
“We’ll always be together, Jared,” Jensen assured, interrupting his thought process and wrapping an arm around his shoulders. “One way or another, we always will. Not like we can go through something like this together and not be, you know? Now put the game on, will ya? This ain’t the Lifetime channel, and we ain’t women.” There was a brief moment of silence before Jensen leaned into him. “Jay? You ever wonder what we’d do if it happened again?”
“If what happened again?” Jared asked, looking down at him.
“What happened to me,” Jensen answered. “The Hellhounds. Or something like that.” He shrugged. “It happened once, and now the show’s even bigger than it was then. What if it happens again? We don’t even know how this whole series is supposed to end. I mean…what if?”
“You shouldn’t ask that question, Jensen. It’s bad for your health.” Jared got up and grabbed the laptop he’d hauled to set with him, having meant to show Jensen something on it earlier, and sat back down next to him. “First off, no matter what happens, we deal with it, and we deal with it together. Just like we did with you. Second, I don’t think it’ll happen again, because I’m still pretty sure the fans can only make things that don’t exist become real, and I doubt we’ll be dealing with things like Hellhounds as intensely as we did before. And third?” Jared opened the laptop, pulling up the same fansite they’d been watching throughout Jensen’s ordeal, then turned back to Jensen with an expectant look on his face. Jensen stared.
“Third?” Jensen prompted, clearly not recognizing the site Jared showed him. Jared grinned.
“No more spirit sigil. The layout’s been changed.”
Extras
Chapter 2: Blood and Dust
Chapter 3: Cereal and Stitches
Chapter 4: Breakfast and Bathrooms
Chapter 5: Doctors and Bracelets
Chapter 6: Words and Knives
Chapter 7: Showers and Dates
Chapter 8: Vacations and Confessions
Chapter 9: Apologies and Packages
“You still owe me that blowjob, you know.”
Jensen snorted and looked over at Jared, the two of them hanging out in Jared’s trailer with the dogs. This was the first time Jared had brought the dogs to set since the beginning of the season, and it was nice to kick back and relax with the whole “family” there, so to speak.
“Maybe later,” Jensen said coyly, wiggling his eyebrows up and down, and Jared smirked. “What?” Jensen asked immediately when Jared’s expression clouded over. There was a question coming, and he just knew it.
“I know we both sort of healed a bit over the past week. Well, you did a lot,” Jared emphasized. “But, you know, we can still call Dr. Anderson, if you still feel the need to talk to somebody.”
“I don’t want to talk to anybody,” Jensen said, shaking his head and fixing Jared with a pointed stare. “I know I’m not completely fixed yet, Jared. But if I’m gonna talk to anybody, I’d rather it be you. And I will talk to you.” Jared smiled a little, seemingly satisfied with the answer.
“I still have some questions,” Jared admitted softly. “I mean, there are still times I wonder what exactly was going through your head when you…”
Jensen sighed and nodded, regarding Jared quietly before speaking again. If he was going to do this, he may as well do it, and get past the fear of opening up about it. He just had to do it a little bit at a time.
“It started early, Jay. As soon as I thought I might be going to Hell, I started to lose hope. I lost hope, I lost my faith. I didn’t start to gain either back until that day you showed me the calendar and how close we were.” Jensen shrugged, his next thought just coming to him. “I guess it was easier for me. I was setting myself up for it, you know? It’s easier to face death when you don’t have any hope or faith at all than to have it, and then have it ripped away from you at the last second. At least, that was what I thought then.”
“But you changed.”
“Yeah.” Jensen nodded again, continuing on in the same vein, hoping he wouldn’t have to talk about that particular night at that particular moment. “See, I told myself that there was no hope, and that I’d be dead long before Comic Con. I wasn’t even paying attention to time or dates, because I’d already written myself off. But when I saw that we were only a couple days away, it just all hit me, you know? Like a fuckin’ ton of bricks. I know how stupid it was, Jay,” he said, eyeing Jared. “Believe me, I do. Especially now.”
“It might’ve been stupid in some ways, but you said you had reasons,” Jared said. “I know it’s over now, but I’m still just trying to understand it. You’re not stupid, Jensen. Not even when times are that bad. I mean, ‘reasons’ goes beyond just hopelessness, right?”
Jensen looked away, not sure if he was ready for this part just yet. He wasn’t sure how Jared would react to how much sense it had made in Jensen’s head at the time. He’d really gone a long way to convince himself that it was the right thing to do, and he didn’t want Jared thinking that he was crazy enough to try it again. He knew that Jared had trusted him enough to leave him and go to Hawaii, to be alone with his parents, and to start handling sharp objects again. But would telling Jared everything that had gone through his head change that? And how would Jared react to Jensen using him as one of his reasons?
“We don’t have to talk about it now,” Jared said, his hand resting comfortably on Jensen’s knee. “It’s okay, I won’t rush you.”
“Maybe tonight?” Jensen asked, the words out of his mouth before he could second guess them. Nervous butterflies were already flitting around in his stomach at the thought of opening up so soon.
“If you’re ready.”
He wasn’t ready. And Jared didn’t ask. Jared was letting Jensen come to him in his own time, which spoke volumes about how much Jared had grown over their time apart, and Jensen knew it. He was glad to know he still had any amount of Jared’s trust, knowing how easily he could’ve lost it all and never gained it back.
“I thought it would be better for everyone else,” Jensen blurted out the next day in his trailer, Jared momentarily pausing before he threw his next dart, and Jensen knew that Jared knew what he was talking about without even asking. From being so close, they had the ability to pick up random conversations at random times of random days in such a random way that any outsider would have no fucking idea what was going on if they happened to be listening in.
“Why would you think that?” Jared asked, taking aim with another dart.
“Because when the Hellhounds got me, everyone would think I was murdered, and it would cause a huge stir, and possibly innocent people would be arrested.” Jared dropped his arm to his side and turned at stared at him blankly, and Jensen gulped. “I was really thinking ahead,” Jensen said sarcastically, smiling a little, so maybe Jared wouldn’t think he was completely insane.
“I can see that.” Jared turned, taking aim again. “Looking into the future, huh?”
“A bit.” Jensen cleared his throat, looking down at his hands, speaking his next words carefully. “I didn’t want my parents to spend the rest of their lives looking for an invisible killer. And I didn’t want you to be a suspect.”
Jared faltered, his arm jerking as if to throw the dart, then dropping to his side again, as if he wasn’t sure how to act; whether or not to show how thrown off he was, or keep acting nonchalant. Jensen stayed quiet, his heart beating a little bit faster. That was it: his first hint that Jared had been a part of this. He hoped to God he wasn’t hurting Jared as much as he thought he was.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jared came home the next night in desperate need of touching Jensen. He’d had Jensen slowly drawing back the curtain on his psyche the past few days, and he’d managed to snag a copy of the dailies from the week before, when he’d been away in Hawaii. And Dean crying to a young Mary Winchester was just more than he could handle.
“Broke my fucking heart, Jen,” Jared panted, tackling Jensen to the couch just after they’d walked through the door, his hand already down Jensen’s pants, stroking him. “Broke my fucking heart.”
“Just…acting,” Jensen breathed, thrusting up into Jared’s hand. “Unh…Bedroom.”
Jared nodded, and they climbed the stairs together, groping and shedding clothing along the way, laughing when Jared tripped while trying to walk and discard his pants at the same time. It surprised him a little when he ended up on his back, Jensen pinning him to the bed, but the wicked smile on Jensen’s face was a promise of things to come, and a thrill ran through his body, Jensen slowly moving down…down…down. Hot breath ghosted over his cock, and Jared nearly melted into the mattress. Jensen’s voice drifted up to his ears, low and throaty, Jensen’s fingers taking hold of Jared’s cock.
“Ready to call it even, Jay?”
Jared was pretty much past talking, answering with a grunt that he guessed Jensen took as an affirmative, because the next thing he knew, Jensen’s tongue was licking a hot, wet stripe from the base of his cock to the tip, dipping into the slit and tasting him. Jared gasped and gripped the sheets, hips jolting upward.
“Down, boy,” he heard Jensen say, Jensen’s free hand pressing down on his right hip in an attempt to keep him steady. Jared suddenly thought about asking Jensen whether or not he’d ever done this before. As far as he knew, Jensen hadn’t. But, upon lifting his head to look down at Jensen, who looked back up at him with dark eyes as he held his cock and gently took the tip in his mouth, Jared realized it really didn’t fucking matter whether or not Jensen had done this before. It only mattered that he was doing it now, to him.
Jared’s lips broke open on a moan as Jensen’s lips closed around the head of his dick, tongue caressing it as he sucked lightly, and Jared forced himself not to thrust up into Jensen’s mouth, as tempting as it was. It was experimental and slow at first, but Jared was just fine with that. The longer this lasted, the happier Jared would be. Wet heat was slowly moving further and further down his shaft as Jensen’s head began to bob over him, hand still firmly gripping the base, and Jared was suddenly reminded that it was this thought that had made him come the first time he’d realized he was attracted to Jensen. He jerked a little, and both of Jensen’s hands were on his hips now, holding him down.
Jensen was moving faster and harder, tongue swirling, gaining confidence, and when Jensen groaned in the back of his throat, Jared felt the vibrations in his dick, his eyes fluttering closed as pleasure coursed through his body. It felt so different, Jensen sucking him. Then again, it felt different when they kissed, too. Jared hadn’t expected it, but everything was different with Jensen. Everything was rougher, stronger, harder, and more animalistic. He found himself wondering what the fuck he was even thinking blocking himself off from a relationship with Jensen, when he realized he’d been missing out on this.
Jared instinctively bucked his hips when Jensen let one hand travel down his balls, tugging and rolling them in his fingers. He looked down as he did it, ready to pull back and apologize, but Jensen just fucking took it, prepared for it, and swallowed around him when he hit the back of Jensen’s throat. Jared’s head fell back on the pillow, mouth open, and he couldn’t help the way his body arched, Jensen suddenly taking him at a frantic pace, tongue, lips, and jaw working in a way Jared had never felt before. Jensen was swallowing down as much as he could, moaning incessantly around Jared, and Jared felt himself hit the back of Jensen’s throat a couple more times, Jensen’s fingers still stroking his balls.
“Jensen,” Jared croaked, eyes squeezing shut as he felt the pressure building in his body. “Jen…gonna…gonna…”
Jensen’s hands went back to his hips, holding him down forcefully, enough to bruise. Jared expected him to pull off, but he didn’t, still sucking and moaning, and Jared’s whole body tensed and shook as he came in Jensen’s mouth
“Fuck!” he cried out, fingers twisting angrily in the sheets, as he felt Jensen pulling it out of him, taking everything he had to offer into his throat and swallowing it down. Jensen finally let him slip from his mouth when his body sagged into the bed. He looked down when he heard a few hoarse coughs, a bit concerned, but then Jensen was lifting up and kneeling on the bed, hand wrapping around the base of his hard cock, and Jared noticed a wet spot on the bed where Jensen had been rutting against the mattress.
“Jesus,” Jensen groaned, gripping himself tight, and Jared knew how he felt, remembering how close he’d gotten just jerking Jensen off after they’d found out they’d beaten the Hellhounds.
“Come here,” Jared said, voice low, immediately catching Jensen’s attention. Jensen’s eyes closed, and his hand started to move. “No!” Jared snapped lifting up onto his elbows, and Jensen forced himself to stop, focusing pleading eyes on Jared. “Don’t do it yourself. Come here.” Jensen crawled up the bed towards him, and Jared gripped him and moved him until they were lying face to face on their sides next to each other. “Wanna help you,” Jared whispered, and he slung an arm over Jensen’s body, pulling him close, and moved downward, still on his side and facing Jensen, pausing every so often to kiss and taste the sweat on Jensen’s skin as he went, Jensen groaning above him.
He had no idea what he was doing, had never done this before, but when he came face to face with Jensen’s dick, he did the first thing that came to mind, his tongue flicking out and licking at the wetness he could see on the tip. It was new and different, but it was Jensen, and Jensen’s hand immediately settled on the back of his head, eventually coming around to caress his jaw. Jared licked Jensen’s shaft a few times before finally taking Jensen into his mouth, his lips spreading around Jensen’s cock. They were both still on their sides, Jared’s hand resting on Jensen’s hip, and Jared knew he’d put himself in a position where Jensen had more control over this. Jensen’s fingers slid into the hair at the base of his skull, behind his ear, and he sent a tentative thrust into Jared’s mouth, breath hitching.
“Jare,” Jensen moaned, pausing, and Jared knew it was because Jensen wasn’t going to last long. Jared simply pressed his fingers into Jensen’s hip and moaned, urging him on. He wanted this, more than he ever thought he would.
Jensen started thrusting slowly, short thrusts that Jared could take over his tongue as he swirled it around, hearing Jensen gasp. With each thrust, Jensen’s hand slid in and out of Jared’s hair, and Jesus, suddenly this was so intimate. Jared took it, welcomed it, licked and swallowed as Jensen moved in and out of his mouth. It only took a few more thrusts, the last one reaching deeper than the others, Jared resisting the slight gagging feeling coming on, and suddenly Jensen’s hand was tight in his hair, yanking it, his warmth flooding Jared’s mouth. Jared swallowed rapidly, feeling lightheaded with the sound of Jensen’s hitched breathing and broken moans, the taste of Jensen’s come slipping over his tongue.
Jensen’s hand relaxed in his hair, and Jared moved back up the bed, smirking at Jensen before turning over, his back to him. Jensen came up behind him, arms wrapping around him, snuggling up close, cock twitching against Jared’s body in one last aftershock, and drew in a sharp breath.
“You smug bastard.”
Jared grinned.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jensen didn’t know why it was that night that he decided to spill everything. He didn’t know why he waited until they were both happy, sexually sated, Jensen wrapped around Jared with a hand over Jared’s steady heartbeat, to make Jared understand the pain he’d gone through. It was just one more of those times when he was speaking before he even realized it. He really needed to work on controlling his tongue.
“I have a confession to make,” he said, and he tightened his grip on Jared when he felt Jared start to turn over to face him, nerves hitting him again. “No, no. Please, just…stay. Just stay like this. It’ll be easier. Shh,” Jensen soothed, noting the change in Jared’s posture. He stroked his hand gently over Jared’s chest and planted a kiss in the crook of his neck. “Just hear me out, okay?” Jared’s hand reached up to link their fingers together over his chest, and Jensen sighed, closing his eyes before beginning. “When I tried,” Jensen started, and Jared immediately tensed, Jensen kissing his shoulder in response. He knew Jared didn’t even want to hear the words “to kill myself” at the end of that sentence; didn’t even want to think about them. He started over, making sure to leave those words out. “When I tried…I was at this point where I was only living for you. You were it, Jay. You were my only reason. I lied to you, and I acted around you. But I thought that I was doing it for you. I wanted you to be happy, and to be able to tell yourself you’d done everything to save me, so that you wouldn’t feel guilty after I’d died, and you’d be able to move on. I wanted you to believe that I believed, so that you’d never have to feel bad about yourself.”
“If you were living for me,” Jared spoke quietly, “Then why did you stop? Why did you do it?”
“Because of you,” Jensen said quietly, and Jared’s body heaved in what could only be conceived as a quiet sob. Jensen mentally cursed himself. “No, no, Jay, that’s not what I meant. Please, that’s not what I meant at all.” He kissed Jared’s shoulder again, gripping Jared’s fingers and rubbing their hands over Jared’s chest. “I thought I was hurting you. I mean, I thought a million different things. I thought about how much it made sense, because nobody wanted to die being ripped apart by Hellhounds, and maybe I could avoid going to Hell if I did it before they got me. But that wasn’t what pushed me. Jared, I was only living for you, but then I realized how much I’d messed up. You started talking about me moving in here after we’d made it past Comic Con and the threat was over, and I knew I’d faked too much. And then you were giving up everything because of me. You couldn’t have fun and have your own life, because you were too busy worrying about me. I was a burden. I was hurting you. And that night, I…”
“What?” Jared whispered, and Jensen could tell from the sound of his voice that he was crying.
“I had this dream,” Jensen continued, shivering when he thought about it, pictured it behind closed eyes. “Fucking nightmare. You came into the bedroom to check on me, and all of a sudden, my time was up. This Hellhound was coming for me, and you tried to protect me.” Jensen tightened his hold on Jared, shaking, his own tears threatening to spill. This was the first time he’d ever talked about what he’d seen in his dreams that night, and it still hurt like nothing else ever did. “When you did that…you got in the way. And it killed you, Jared.” Jensen’s voice broke, a few tears spilling onto Jared’s skin. “It just fucking killed you, just so it could get to me. I watched it happen, and I couldn’t stop it. There was so much blood everywhere, and you were screaming, and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t stop it.” He was crying against Jared’s shoulder, knew that Jared was crying with him, and had to take a moment before he could speak again. “The last thing I saw was your body, just lying there, all torn up, and I couldn’t take it, Jay. It was all my fault. You were dead, and it was because of me. And that was it. That was the last straw for me. I already knew I was hurting you, ruining your life, and then…then I thought that I’d been wrong all along. I thought I’d been living for you, but, in reality, if I chose to stay alive, I was killing you. And I couldn’t let that happen, Jared. I couldn’t. You have to understand. I was already so lost, already felt so worthless, and then seeing you die for me? It was too much…too much.”
Jared broke free of his hold and turned to face him, immediately kissing him, and all Jensen could taste was the salt of their tears.
“I’m sorry, Jared,” Jensen breathed when Jared let him go. “I’m sorry. I know it was stupid, and it was just a dream, and I shouldn’t have done it. I know I was wrong. God, I know that now. You were right. I should’ve believed you. I should’ve believed in you. But I just got so fucked up. And I shouldn’t have used you as an excuse for an easy way out. You didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry.”
“Stop,” Jared said, wrapping around him. “Just stop. No more. No more apologies, no more feeling bad about ourselves, and no more fucking crying. I get it. I understand it now. And I can’t blame you. I think about it sometimes, Jen, and I realize just how fucking strong you were. Maybe you didn’t feel strong, and maybe you messed up and got lost. But anyone would. I think about it, and I think about what it would’ve been like if it were me in your shoes, and I don’t think I could’ve done what you did. Shit, even that night, you still hesitated. The water was fucking ice in that shower. On some level, you were still hanging on, and that’s fucking amazing, Jen, you know that? So many people wouldn’t have made it, and you did. Even now, with your parents, and everything you’re telling me…you’re handling this in a way that most people couldn’t. So just stop. Don’t be sorry. Not anymore. You don’t have to be. As far as I’m concerned, you’re the most amazing fucking person on the planet right now, and I am so fucking proud of you, Jen. So proud.”
“Love you,” Jensen said, closing his eyes at the feel of Jared’s limbs wrapped around him, Jared cuddled up against his chest. There wasn’t much else he could say besides that, and they fell into a peaceful silence. The air was clear between them, and they still had each other, clinging to each other like they always had. They fell asleep tangled and woke up the same way, the connection between them stronger than ever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“What the hell is this?”
Jared came down the stairs yawning that Saturday, Jensen actually up before him, which was a rare occurrence.
“What the hell is what?” he asked, kissing Jensen and going to grab himself some cereal.
“Looks like I got a package from Chad,” Jensen replied, face screwed up in confusion. Jared froze. He’d forgotten to tell Jensen that he’d told Chad about them. Shit. Jensen tore open the package and read the card he found inside out loud. “Hey, Sugar Daddy, congratulations. Hope you’re taking good care of my boy. P.S.: I’ve been after that ass for years. Love, Chad.” Jensen glanced at Jared, a look Jared wasn’t sure how to decipher, and then reached inside the box on the dining room table. Jared’s mouth fell open when Jensen pulled out a giant pink double-ended dildo and an equally giant tube of lube. Jensen paused before looking at Jared again. “What the fuck is this?” he asked, voice hard, as he held the items up in his hands.
“Oh…wow…Jensen, I-I,” Jared stuttered, faltering under Jensen’s suddenly angry gaze. “Dude…I meant to tell you, I just forgot! And I didn’t even tell Chad! I swear! He just figured it out on his own!”
Jensen’s lips twitched, and then all of a sudden Jensen was losing it, laughing his ass off and practically falling onto the floor. Jared stood there for a minute, stunned, the sound of Jensen’s laughter catching him by surprise. But it wasn’t long before he joined in, never able to resist when Jensen laughed like that, the same way he did when Jared had ripped his pants back in the second year of filming. It was the best laugh Jared had ever heard, and he’d almost forgotten what it had sounded like, not having heard it since the whole mess with the Hellhounds started.
“You told Chad, huh?” Jensen said, finally catching his breath, still planted on the floor. “Oh, man. This is the funniest shit I’ve ever seen. Remind me to thank him later. Well…you know…right after I shove this up your ass.”
“Yeah, in your dreams, dude,” Jared laughed. “Besides, I think the whole point of that is to have it shoved up both our asses.”
“Chad.” Jensen shook his head, still smiling, and stood back up, placing the items back in the box.
“Dude!” Jared protested, and Jensen looked over at him. “Don’t put them both away! We can still use the lube!”
“Really?” Jensen asked, raising an eyebrow, and Jared felt the color rise to his cheeks. They hadn’t gone that far yet, hadn’t even talked about it, and now… “We could use it now,” Jensen offered, seemingly nonchalant. “But, you know, I’ll let you eat your cereal first.”
Jared wasn’t hungry at all anymore. Again, he had no idea what he was doing, but he’d be damned if he wasn’t going to do it. He made his way over to Jensen, reaching up and slowly sliding Jensen’s glasses off before kissing him thoroughly. He dropped the glasses on the table next to the box and stepped away.
“Fuck cereal,” he said. “I can always eat later.” Jensen looked at him in mock surprise.
“I never thought I’d see the day that you refused food, Jared. You feeling okay?”
“I’m fuckin’ horny, and when you’re standing in front of me like that, sex comes before food.” Harley ran to the back door and barked, and Jared groaned. These dogs had the worst timing ever.
“I’ll just take this upstairs.” Jensen held up the lube and grinned. “Let me know when Harley’s done taking a shit.”
“Son of a bitch!” Jared cursed, heading to the door to let the dogs out, hearing Jensen laughing as he slowly made his way up the stairs. “Come on, come on,” Jared chanted, bouncing impatiently on the balls of his feet as he watched his dogs mill around the backyard. “Damnit, just do it! THANK YOU!”
He let the dogs back in and shut the door, and when he turned to head back through the house, he saw clothes all over the floor. Jensen’s clothes. That he’d just been wearing. On the floor. Leading to the stairs. Jared stripped immediately, wasting no time, and stumbled up the stairs and into the bedroom, met with the sight of a stark naked Jensen, back to him, facing the nightstand, where Jensen had placed the lube and some condoms, looking a bit unsure of himself. Condoms. Shit. He was about to make a crack about Jensen being a boy scout in a previous life, and how maybe Dean should dress up as one in the next episode, when he noticed something entirely wrong with this picture. He came up behind Jensen and kissed the back of his neck, smiling a little when Jensen jolted slightly in surprise.
“You don’t need these anymore,” he whispered in Jensen’s ear, and he felt Jensen shudder when Jared’s hot breath blew over his skin. Before Jensen could ask what he was talking about, Jared was running fingertips down the length of Jensen’s arm, pushing at the bracelet on Jensen’s wrist, rolling it off until it made an audible thump on the floor. He heard Jensen gasp slightly, knew it must have felt strange to have the things he’d relied on for protection for so long suddenly taken off of his body. They’d practically become a part of Jensen. Jared hadn’t even noticed that they shouldn’t be there until now.
He repeated the process with Jensen’s other arm, hearing the bracelet hit the floor, and pausing over Jensen’s wrist, his fingers placed lightly over the pulse he found there. It quickened beneath his fingertips, and Jensen’s breath heaved, Jensen leaning his head back onto Jared’s shoulder, lips parted and eyes closed.
“You’re safe now,” Jared breathed, nuzzling into Jensen’s neck. “You don’t need these anymore.” He opened his mouth, teeth grazing lightly over the skin of Jensen’s neck before closing over the necklace placed around it. He bit down hard and yanked as hard as he could, the necklace breaking and falling away. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he thanked God that that worked the way it did, because it would’ve been a lot less sexier if he’d ended up just choking Jensen or chipping a tooth. He turned his head back to Jensen’s neck, licking and sucking at the pulse he could feel pounding rapidly, his fingers still resting on the pulse point in Jensen’s wrist.
“Jared,” Jensen gasped, threading his fingers through Jared’s hair. “Jesus.”
Jared moved, feeling like his body was on fire, and trailed the tip of his tongue halfway down Jensen’s spine, all too pleased with himself when he felt Jensen shiver. He knelt down on the floor behind Jensen, running his hand down Jensen’s leg to the anklet placed there, Jensen lifting his foot slightly so Jared could pull it off, repeating the process with the opposite leg. He placed his hands on Jensen’s hips and looked up at the body above him. Naked. Completely naked, now. No more barriers. Jensen was free.
Jared moved his hands down, cupping Jensen’s ass, suddenly realizing his face was mere inches away from it. Jensen shifted a little, and Jared looked up again, searching for any signs of tension or discomfort, but there were none. He turned his eyes back to the sight in front of him, completely unsure of what he was doing, and just going with every gut feeling he had. He used his hands to part Jensen’s ass, eyes zeroing in on the hole in front of him, and the wave of lust that hit him was nearly overwhelming. He moved closer, driven by the force of it, and felt like he was in a daze, almost on autopilot, his brain unable to comprehend anything more than the need pulsing through his body. He opened his mouth, letting his breath blow over that spot, and he heard Jensen gasp in surprise, breath hitching. Suddenly, he was moving even closer, closing his eyes and letting his tongue flick out of his mouth, licking over Jensen. He felt the muscle there contract, felt Jensen buck forward but settle back again, and he gripped Jensen harder, tongue flitting out repeatedly, circling and tasting, just barely pushing in. Jensen was making noises that went straight to Jared’s dick, and Jared reached around to feel for Jensen’s cock as he continued rimming him, pressing his tongue in further whenever he could, surprised to find Jensen damn near rock hard.
Jared pulled back when he felt Jensen’s legs start shaking and wiped his mouth on the back of his hand. He placed both hands back on Jensen, opening him up again, and ran a thumb over Jensen’s slick entrance. Jensen made a low sound of approval, and Jared slowly stood, moving his index finger to flirt with Jensen’s hole, rubbing around it and teasing it, feeling it give a little when he pressed in. He held onto Jensen with his other hand, stabilizing him, erection pressing into Jensen’s hip.
“Jensen. Jen,” Jared groaned, his head on Jensen’s shoulder, biting at Jensen’s earlobe. “Wanna…” It was amazing, the way he couldn’t even form words correctly, the sudden need to be inside Jensen now, now, now consuming him completely. And yet, he hadn’t thought he’d be the first to do this. After feeling Jensen on top of him, thrusting against him, and feeling the tentative but sure glide of Jensen’s dick in his mouth, he’d found himself way past curious about what it would feel like to have Jensen fuck him. But it was like a switch had been flipped inside of him, and he suddenly craved Jensen more than he ever had anything in his life, pre-come already spilling over his dick.
“Gonna fuck me, Jay?” Jensen asked, voice rough and raw, and he pressed back against Jared’s finger.
“Yeah,” was all Jared could manage. “Yeah.” He finally collected himself enough to conjure up three more words. “On the bed.”
“How do you want me?” Jared gripped himself, tight, not expecting the question, and how fucking hot was that coming from Jensen’s mouth?
“Knees,” Jared forced out, and Jensen started moving away. “Hands and knees.”
He watched as Jensen did what he was told, climbing onto the bed and settling himself on all fours, head hanging submissively between his shoulders, hard cock jutting out beneath him. Jared had never seen anything more beautiful in his life. Jared grabbed for the lube and the condoms and moved behind Jensen on the bed, dropping the items beside him. He laid a hand on the small of Jensen’s back, and felt Jensen flinch a little, a slight tremble beneath his fingers, and he suddenly realized the enormity of what they were about to do.
“Nervous, Jen?” he asked quietly, and Jensen’s head lifted and twisted towards him, looking back at him over his shoulder.
“Trust you,” was all Jensen said, smiling shyly, and Jared leaned forward, moving his hand and kissing Jensen’s back. “Do it.” Jensen dropped his head back down again. “Fuck me.”
Jared fumbled with the lube before popping it open. It figured that he would get clumsy now. He coated his fingers with a liberal amount of it, pressing the tip of one against Jensen, feeling Jensen clench beneath it. He steadied himself, kneeling behind Jensen, one hand on Jensen’s hip, as he rubbed over Jensen’s hole gently, eventually pressing the tip of his finger in. He pushed past the bit of resistance he found there, groaning at how tight Jensen was, and paid close attention to Jensen’s breathing and posture. He slid his finger in and out a few times, eventually driving it deeper, and heard Jensen grunt, pushing back against him. He watched as Jensen’s body relaxed, as Jensen rocked back onto him repeatedly, and held onto Jensen while he added another finger, Jensen inhaling sharply.
“Fuck!” Jensen suddenly cried out, Jared driving his fingers in deep on an angle, and Jared was almost afraid that he’d hurt him. “Again,” Jensen pleaded. “Do it again.” It wasn’t until Jensen was moaning and fucking himself on three of Jared’s fingers that Jared reached for the condom, hurriedly ripping it open with his teeth and sliding it on, adding a bit of lube.
“Jen...”
“Do it,” Jensen repeated, voice strained.
Jared removed his fingers and lined himself up with Jensen’s hole, guiding himself in with one hand. He gasped at the feel of Jensen opening up and then squeezing around him, holding back and taking his time sliding in, resting his head between Jensen’s shoulder blades when he’d finally made it all the way.
“Oh, fuck, Jared.”
“Jensen,” Jared breathed, squeezing his eyes shut and restraining himself. “Are you okay?”
His only answer was Jensen pushing back into him, and Jared groaned loudly, pulling back and thrusting in with a snap of his hips. Jensen moaned and fell forward, sliding down onto his elbows, ass still pushing back up to meet Jared. Jared planted his hands down on either side of Jensen’s body, pulling back and thrusting again, dimly aware of a guttural groan forcing its way out of his throat. They moved together, Jared pressing in deeper with each thrust, Jensen pressing back against him. Jared knew he wasn’t going to last, letting himself go, fucking Jensen hard and fast, hips moving at a frantic pace. He moved one hand up and under Jensen’s body, wrapping his fingers around Jensen’s cock and jerking it, Jensen nearly shouting his approval, bucking forward into the hot grip of Jared’s fingers, still wet with lube. He heard Jensen muttering his name over and over again, heard his own voice grow louder in response, and he thrusted hard, rotating his hips and pumping Jensen’s cock, and suddenly Jensen was crying out and clenching around him, body stiff and shaking as he came over Jared’s fingers. Jared wasn’t far behind, two more driving thrusts sending him falling forward onto Jensen, hips jerking helplessly as he filled the condom.
They collapsed on the bed, Jensen groaning beneath Jared, and Jared reached down to grip the base of his dick, pulling out of Jensen with a grunt and quickly discarding the condom. He fell onto Jensen again, trying desperately to catch his breath, and finally rolled off of Jensen when he realized Jensen was trying to do the same. Jensen shifted uncomfortably, and Jared realized he was probably lying there in his own come. He grabbed Jensen, pulling him over close on the bed, and Jensen flopped limply, falling half on Jared and half beside him.
“Y’alright?” Jared drawled tiredly, pressing a chaste kiss to Jensen’s lips.
“Mmm,” Jensen grunted. “Where the fuck d’you learn to do all that?”
“I didn’t,” Jared laughed. “I just kinda did what came naturally.”
“Yeah, well,” Jensen stretched and kissed Jared back, “I came, naturally.” Jared’s laugh turned into a yawn, and he was glad that this was a Saturday, and they had nowhere to be except here, in bed, with each other. “Now I really have to thank Chad later.”
“Well, he thinks you were taking my ass, so I’m sure he’ll be surprised when he hears it was the other way around,” Jared said, smirking. Jensen kissed him again, nipping at his bottom lip.
“I’ll get you next time, asshole.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jensen hadn’t counted on next time being so soon. It was funny, he used to hate mornings with a passion, preferring to sleep through them. But now? Now that he was in a relationship with Jared, mornings almost always meant sex. He was beginning to enjoy the sun peeking through the curtains in the bedroom, the dogs barking to be fed. Because he knew that, when he woke up, he’d probably be treated to an orgasm. Or two.
The morning after Jared had fucked him, Jensen suddenly found himself working Jared open with the lube Chad had sent them, and man did Jensen owe that man a trip to Hawaii. Jared was writhing beneath him, taking his fingers and begging for more. And then Jared’s legs were wrapping around him and he was thrusting inside, barely giving Jared time to adjust before doing it again. He didn’t know what he’d expected this to be like, but he hadn’t expected Jared to feel so perfect around him, or for Jared to be clawing at his back like a fucking animal and biting down on his shoulder, which only made him fuck Jared harder. And nothing gave him more satisfaction than seeing Jared arch unexpectedly beneath him, coming even before Jensen could snake a hand between their bodies to jack him as they fucked. He smiled smugly after he’d finished and pulled out, lying down beside Jared, Jared halfheartedly punching him in the arm.
“We should clean up,” Jensen said, looking down at their bodies and then catching Jared’s eye. “You really made a mess.”
Jared punched him again. And Jensen started thinking that maybe the dildo Chad had given him wasn’t such a gag gift, after all.
They read over the next script together, laughing at how ridiculous it was. Jensen shook his head, knowing he’d be hoarse for the next week. There was no way they’d be able to get through these scenes without Jared laughing through a bunch of takes, which was why he tried to prepare beforehand, cornering Jared in his trailer before they started shooting the next day.
“Okay,” Jensen said, maneuvering Jared over towards the mini fridge in the trailer. The dogs watched them curiously. “I know you’re gonna be hysterical on set, so how ‘bout you just get all this out of your system now? That fridge?” He pointed to it. “That’s the locker you’re gonna open.” Jared smirked, but nodded. “On three, ready? One…Two…Three!”
Jared flung the fridge door open, and Jensen screamed like a goddamn woman, reminding himself of the scream Jared had pulled off while they were shooting Jus In Bello the season before, the dogs barking in response. Jared immediately collapsed onto the trailer floor, body jumping with laughter, hardly able to breathe. Jensen couldn’t help but laugh with him, startled by a sudden knock on the trailer door. He opened it to find one of the crew members standing there, looking concerned.
“Everything okay in here? I thought I heard screaming.”
Jensen heard Jared cackling behind him and doubled over in laughter himself, confusing the hell out of the man standing in front of him.
“No, we’re fine,” Jensen assured him, gasping for breath. “Seriously, dude, we’re fine. Thanks.” He closed the door and turned back to Jared, who was still giggling on the floor, the fridge door hanging open. “Maybe practicing is a bad idea.”
They filmed the scream, and Jared still cracked up, and Jensen still wound up hoarse, but the episode was so much fun to shoot that it really didn’t matter. Even though Jensen’s throat hurt, this felt good, the two of them up to their same old shenanigans on a set that felt like home. This season was a blast now that he was out of the woods, and he was glad to know that the ratings were high enough to carry them on for one more. Feeling completely on top of his game, Jensen even went for an impromptu performance of “Eye of the Tiger” when Jared purposely missed his cue to bring Dean out of his personal jam session in the Impala. It was the highlight of the week, the director promising to make Jensen famous for it, and Jared laughing hysterically for about ten minutes. Jared grabbed Jensen afterwards, pulling him off to the side, speaking quietly, still smiling from the stunt he’d just seen Jensen pull.
“Who’re you living for now, Jen?”
Jensen knew why Jared was asking, knew that Jared wanted him to be happy and enjoy his own life after admitting that Jared had been his sole reason for living just before his suicide attempt. Jensen grinned back at him with unbridled joy, and realized the truth of his words as he was saying them.
“Myself. I’m living for myself.”
He could see Jared holding himself back from wrapping him up in a hug, and knew that this was how he should’ve handled things all along. He couldn’t base the relevance of his life solely on the needs of another person. He had to be invested in the things he was doing, in being alive himself, and in realizing that he had a purpose. And he was now, happier than he’d ever been, realizing just how important it was for him to acknowledge that change.
They flew into LA that weekend, Jensen seeking out the friends he’d ignored over the past months, hoping he hadn’t lost them completely. But his life was coming back to him in full force, and it wasn’t long before he and Jared were seated at a bar, surrounded by the gang Jensen had known for years, Jared coming to know them gradually as he got to know Jensen. It did surprise him a little when Danneel showed up and approached him, though he knew it shouldn’t have. She was a part of this group of friends, too, and it was only natural that they would see each other again at some point. Jared was busy wrapped up in a conversation with one of the guys, but Jensen knew that he’d noticed her, too, when his elbow discreetly bumped Jensen’s in a show of moral support. An apology was already on his lips when Danneel walked to up to him, but he paused when she simply smiled at him and rubbed a comforting hand along on his arm.
“You okay?” she asked, and Jensen knew that the talk about him had probably intensified and spread before it had stopped.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he replied, looking back at her. “What about you?”
“I’m fine,” she said, her smile slowly fading. “And I’m sorry. I should’ve known something was really bothering you, and I should’ve been more understanding.”
“What?” Jensen blurted out, genuinely surprised. “No! No, no, no, don’t do that. Don’t do that to yourself. What happened between us was my fault, Danny, and I accept that. I was a shitty boyfriend, and you had every right to kick my ass to the curb. I don’t blame you for that.”
“Well, I still want you to know that I’m sorry,” she insisted. “And I’m sorry that it took his long for us to talk again.”
“Me too,” Jensen admitted quietly. Danneel looked up at him shyly, hands stuffed in the pockets of her jeans.
“Can we still be friends?”
“Well,” Jensen reached back and set his empty beer down on the bar, “I’m sure you’ll be seeing my ugly mug around here, anyway, so I don’t see why not.” They smiled at each other, and Jensen was glad this was happening; that he’d somehow managed to fix all the relationships he’d broken.
“Are you…?” Danneel trailed off, her voice low, and her head tilted in a slight nod towards Jared. Jensen felt nervous for all of five seconds, but his mood refused to change. He figured his friends would all find out sooner or later. It wasn’t like he was keeping Jared a secret. He nodded, and her smile grew as she leaned forward and hugged him. “That’s great. I’m glad you’re happy. And that you’re okay.” She pulled back and stared at him for a few seconds, hand resting gently on his arm again. “It’s good to finally see you again, Jensen.”
“It’s good to see you, too.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam’s powers were a bitch to act out. Especially when Jensen was standing off camera making fun of the faces Jared was making while Sam was using them. Jared found that out when he was exorcising Samhain, Jensen’s head popping up in the background. One glance over at him, and Jensen was mimicking Sam’s painful concentration expressions with such a goofy twist that Jared couldn’t help but laugh. Sam cracking up in the middle of exorcising a demon didn’t really work in a scene. Jared just hoped that none of that showed in the actual episode, and that he’d somehow managed to make Sam look as badass as he was supposed to.
“Dude, you looked constipated,” Jensen laughed, poking fun at Jared as they walked off the set.
“Yes, Jensen, that’s exactly why my nose was bleeding,” Jared commented sarcastically.
“I know, man. That must be one massive shit Sam has to take.” Jared shoved him. “What?” Jensen asked innocently. “I’m just sayin’! I feel bad for the guy! Why do you think Dean looked so sad?”
“Because his brother’s gonna kill him,” Jared snapped. “Admit it, Sam’s so much more badass than Dean is now.”
“Yeah, you might be right about that. You’re exorcising demons with your mind, and I’m screaming at kittens.”
“And wearing lederhosen,” Jared added, chuckling at the memory.
“This is true.” Jensen nodded solemnly, then began shaking his head. “Oh, Dean. Dean, Dean, Dean.”
“I’m glad you’re happy, Jensen,” Jared said, bumping shoulders with him. “It’s been nice seeing you like this again.”
“Funny,” Jensen replied, looking thoughtful, “Danneel said the same thing.”
“She did?” Jared had meant to ask about the full extent of Jensen’s conversation with Danneel, but had never gotten around to it.
“Yeah, right after I told her about us.” That never failed to make Jared grin like an idiot. “Good to know so many people feel that way. I mean, I’m lucky, you know?”
“A lot of people care about you, Jensen. And it has nothing to do with luck.” Jensen ducked his head shyly and shrugged. The man may have realized his self worth, but he still didn’t take compliments very well. He was still incredibly modest. Jared loved it. “While we’re on the subject of past loves,” Jared started, catching Jensen’s attention, “Sandy sends her best. She says we make a great team.”
“Yeah? You talked to her?”
“I did.” Jared nodded, happy that they’d both been able to settle things with their exes. “Just recently. We were friends before everything, and it’s not like we had a big fight or anything, so…”
“So, it’s not like you can’t be friends now,” Jensen finished, patting Jared’s shoulder. “I get it. So, our friends and family know. About us, I mean. We still keeping work out of it? I don’t mind, either way. Just asking.”
“Actually, I still haven’t told my family,” Jared answered, feeling a little bad for letting Jensen shoulder that responsibility without having done it himself. “I just feel like I wanna do it in person, you know?”
“Fair enough. I was able to look my mama in the eye and tell her, so you should, too.”
“Damn,” Jared muttered as they reached their trailers, shaking his head in disbelief, the moment hitting him with a poignancy he hadn’t felt before.
“What?”
“Nothing, it’s just…Do you believe this?” he asked, motioning between him and Jensen. “I dunno, I’m just having one of these moments where I’m like, ‘How did I get here?’ A few years ago, we’d been working on the same network and had never even heard of each other, and we were both dating beautiful women, because we were pretty damn sure we were straight as arrows. Now here we are, best fuckin’ friends, working on a show that keeps growing with a crew that feels like fuckin’ family, and we’re…us. We’re together, man.”
“You’re just realizing this now?” Jensen playfully shoved him up the steps to his trailer. “You’ve become quite acquainted with my dick, Jare. Figured that might be a clue about where our relationship was headed.”
“I know that,” Jared said, entering his trailer and rolling his eyes, patting his dogs as he walked in. “It’s just,” he reached into his fridge, grabbing a couple beers and handing one to Jensen, “Think back to what your life was like then. Did you ever think you’d end up here, like this, with me?”
“No,” Jensen said honestly, popping his beer open with Dean’s ring and lifting the bottle towards Jared. “And I gotta say, I don’t know where my head is at.” Jared smirked and clinked their bottles together, both of them taking a swig afterwards.
“It’s just crazy how things change, you know?” Jared took a seat, settling in comfortably. “So unexpected.” He paused, suddenly realizing what his words could mean. If this change in their relationship was so unexpected, he guessed it was always possible for it to change again. But he didn’t think it would.
“We’ll always be together, Jared,” Jensen assured, interrupting his thought process and wrapping an arm around his shoulders. “One way or another, we always will. Not like we can go through something like this together and not be, you know? Now put the game on, will ya? This ain’t the Lifetime channel, and we ain’t women.” There was a brief moment of silence before Jensen leaned into him. “Jay? You ever wonder what we’d do if it happened again?”
“If what happened again?” Jared asked, looking down at him.
“What happened to me,” Jensen answered. “The Hellhounds. Or something like that.” He shrugged. “It happened once, and now the show’s even bigger than it was then. What if it happens again? We don’t even know how this whole series is supposed to end. I mean…what if?”
“You shouldn’t ask that question, Jensen. It’s bad for your health.” Jared got up and grabbed the laptop he’d hauled to set with him, having meant to show Jensen something on it earlier, and sat back down next to him. “First off, no matter what happens, we deal with it, and we deal with it together. Just like we did with you. Second, I don’t think it’ll happen again, because I’m still pretty sure the fans can only make things that don’t exist become real, and I doubt we’ll be dealing with things like Hellhounds as intensely as we did before. And third?” Jared opened the laptop, pulling up the same fansite they’d been watching throughout Jensen’s ordeal, then turned back to Jensen with an expectant look on his face. Jensen stared.
“Third?” Jensen prompted, clearly not recognizing the site Jared showed him. Jared grinned.
“No more spirit sigil. The layout’s been changed.”
Extras
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-11-20 06:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-21 04:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-20 08:02 pm (UTC)*pets them*
And the fans saved the day! Heeeee!
:)
Fun stuff.
no subject
Date: 2008-11-21 04:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-20 08:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-21 04:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-20 09:23 pm (UTC)Thanks for sharing.
no subject
Date: 2008-11-21 04:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-20 10:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-21 04:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-20 11:33 pm (UTC)I hope you realize that now I'm going to be poking you all the time for little sequel ficlets and all sorts of follow-ups. all the TIME.
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Date: 2008-11-21 04:47 am (UTC)And...I've kind of already thought about little sequel ficlets and follow-ups. But you didn't hear me say that. Or you did. And it'll just increase your poking. :P
no subject
Date: 2008-11-21 12:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-21 04:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-21 07:07 am (UTC)I hope you will keep on writing. I'd like to see more from you.
no subject
Date: 2008-11-22 12:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-21 03:08 pm (UTC)The attempted suicide on Jared's birthday was heartbreaking. It was so sad that he thought he was doing it so his parents wouldn't keep looking for a killer, or god forbid, people think Jared did it. If Jensen died ripped apart at Jared's home, Jared would probably be in jail as soon as the cops found the body. How could Jared possibly explain that?
Also, as poison_Girl_t pointed out, I'm glad yo continued the story until Jensen was mentally well again, not just out of physical danger. This really made me happy.
Great Job with this story. I Hope you write more Jared and Jensen.
no subject
Date: 2008-11-22 12:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-21 03:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-22 12:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-21 07:05 pm (UTC)*hugs* dix
no subject
Date: 2008-11-22 12:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-21 07:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-22 01:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-21 07:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-22 01:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-21 09:06 pm (UTC)I'm seriously tempted to print out this story so I can read it again and again and again, lol. I really loved it! The plot was great, I loved how you wrote the boys.
This story just had everything: angst, fear, humor, cuteness, hotnes ...
Well done!
no subject
Date: 2008-11-22 01:02 am (UTC)I'm really happy you liked this so much, and thank you so much for your comments! :)
no subject
Date: 2008-11-21 11:25 pm (UTC)This was amazing. Very original and really clever how you worked it all together.
And damn they're so hot together the way you wrote them.
Loved this the whole way through.
Thank you so much for this, it really was a gift. :)
*hugs you tight*
no subject
Date: 2008-11-22 01:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-22 01:50 am (UTC)Thanks for a great story.
no subject
Date: 2008-11-23 05:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-22 05:15 pm (UTC)I'm putting it in my memories ;o)
no subject
Date: 2008-11-23 05:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-22 11:46 pm (UTC)I'm sad it's over though, I couldn't stop smiling when I read it. Great job!
no subject
Date: 2008-11-23 05:19 am (UTC)Thank you!! :)
no subject
Date: 2008-11-23 07:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-23 08:47 pm (UTC)I actually don't have anything else up right now, but hopefully I'll either unlock some old stuff soon or write some more!
(no subject)
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Date: 2008-11-24 02:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-24 03:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-24 10:52 pm (UTC)Huff... glad that they made it through and made up... and well, if they ever pick on the sign again, and Jared gets slapped with mind-boggling powers to deal with Angels after his ass, well... then that's just how it is, I wouldn't mind. That was epic, really!!
Cat
no subject
Date: 2008-11-25 05:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-27 04:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-28 04:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-29 07:26 pm (UTC)it was so intense and deep, just amazing what you did with it!
thanks for sharing :)
no subject
Date: 2008-11-30 01:34 am (UTC)Finally Finished!!! *Grins Proudly*
Date: 2008-12-01 04:42 pm (UTC)Evanescence-Angel Of Mine
Re: Finally Finished!!! *Grins Proudly*
Date: 2008-12-01 08:38 pm (UTC)Thank you so much for the comment, and I'm really glad you liked the story! Hopefully I'll get to writing more soon.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 09:19 am (UTC)It's really a beautiful story. Thank you so much for writing.
Right now, I kinda believe that this case was really the true reason why Jensen moved to Jared's house :))
For me, the true climax of the story is when Jensen tried to kill himself. Jared was so furious, yet he still took care of his friend. But, the suicide attempt was the turning point for everything; the nature of their relationship, the case Jensen faced.
In short, I love this story so much. I adore your brilliant idea!
*hugs you*
no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 08:56 pm (UTC)Thank you so much for your comment!! *HUGS*
(no subject)
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